BEL MOONEY: ‘I’ve been shunned by my family’

Dear Bel,

I am at the end of my tether and don’t know where to turn. I lost my son (45) last year through alcoholism. His father and I divorced 20 years ago and both remarried, certainly happily in his case. He was a serial cheat who put the children through hell.

My son was driven to succeed and build a good life for his family, he was also driven by his materialistic wife.

They have two lovely boys, but his wife allowed them to witness all sorts of hell, due to my son’s drinking. She didn’t want to call time on the relationship while he was still functioning and bringing in a good income.

When she finally told him to leave he spent a year in a depressing flat and quickly deteriorated. She wouldn’t let the boys see him (which I can understand) and he cried for them every day.

It was me who spent all my time trying to get help, taking him to A&E, to psychiatrist appointments all over the country, eventually losing my job as a result.

It was me who once stayed awake for two nights, dealing with the police etc — until he was eventually found dead in his flat.

At the age of 63 it’s not been easy to find work and I’ve had to settle for a low-paid clerical job until I can retire. This is really where the problem is.

My ex-husband and his wife are retired and financially comfortable. They can see the boys whenever they like. I feel bitter and resentful that they seem to have hijacked my grief and my grandsons.

I’m my son’s mother — not the new wife. Yes, I know this is selfish and unreasonable.

The last straw has come when even though we all arranged to get together on the anniversary of his death, it now turns out that it’s just going to be his dad and his wife, the boys as well as my daughter and her children.

How do I accept being left out gracefully? How do I move on? It’s brought back all the bitterness and jealousy of the divorce, as well as the loss of my son.

Please give me some advice.

PENNY

Your story is very sad indeed. What you have endured would tax the strongest person. It might be that your son’s fatal addiction could be traced back to his father’s ill-treatment of the family — whatever the truth, your current ill-feeling is understandable.

Yet bitterness, like acid, corrodes everything it touches. Entirely destructive, it can eat away at affection, making people not want to see the sad, isolated one who has chosen to embrace pain, jealousy and rage.

Does that sound harsh? It’s just meant to be true. So many things in your email worry me that I must point them out, in order to advise.

‘It was me who spent all my time trying to get help, taking him to A&E, to psychiatrist appointments all over the country, eventually losing my job as a result,’ writes Penny

First, you imply that your own second marriage is less than happy, which (I suspect) fuels resentment and jealousy of your first husband.

Second, you describe your daughter-in-law as ‘materialistic’ and suggest she stayed with your tragic son because of his salary until she could bear it no more.

You blame her for exposing your grandsons to their father’s drinking. But what would you have had her do? Throw him out sooner?

Witnessing your son’s deterioration and taking on the burden of care must have been terrible. One result is that you have a job that’s beneath you. Then you say, ‘This is really where the problem is.’

Having read this several times I think you’re implying your lack of money is a factor in your being estranged from the family, whereas your ex-husband is financially OK and so has access to the grandsons.

This interpretation would link to your description of your daughter-in-law as ‘materialistic.’ Is this fair? Is this really true?

Nobody can ‘highjack’ your grief. I have nothing but compassion for your loss. But if you resent your ex-husband’s access to your grandsons, it might be useful to wonder

if he’s a welcome visitor because he and his second wife are happy.

You describe yourself as ‘selfish and unreasonable’ — so please examine those words carefully and consider what to do about them. I sympathise with those feelings of

being left out of the gathering to mark the anniversary of your son’s death — but maybe your daughter and daughter-in-law are worried it might be too much for you.

If you constantly carry ‘bitterness and jealousy’ and angry grief to the family table, it can make everyone else feel even more miserable.

Of course, I’d prefer them to rally round you. But perhaps hostility to your ex, his wife and your daughter-in-law has become a fence that keeps them out.

I hope you accept their decision with grace, because vowing to do so (reflecting on what I have written) will give you a chance to ‘move on’. You have two sets of

grandchildren to forge good relationships with and retirement to anticipate.

I hope that now you no longer have the agony of worrying about your poor son, you can work on your marriage and try to make positive plans for a future with your whole family.

 I love him more than he loves me

Dear Bel,

We have been married for 45 years and I think I have always known that I love my husband more than he loves me.

He recently found a female friend who he talks about all the time both to me and other people. This makes me feel embarrassed and foolish.

He keeps telling everyone he married me because when he came back to the UK after a year abroad all his friends had got married — implying I was all that was left!

I was 16 when he came back and I didn’t start going out with him until I was nearly 19, we got married when I was 20.

I never considered myself on the shelf at 19. I married him because I love him.

I have asked him if he is seeing someone else but he said: how can he as he comes back to me every night? That has done nothing to quell my fears.

I don’t think he will leave me but believe he stays with me out of pity. I don’t want that.

I feel sure if I instigated a split with him he would go along with it. We have spoken about it and he has never said that’s not what he wants — so I must assume that it is what he wants, but he won’t do anything about it.

Over the past year he has behaved in such a way that even our friends and children think ‘something is going on’.

I think because he has found this friend it has given him the courage to say what he feels about me and our marriage.

I am concerned about being on my own emotionally and financially.

My heart is broken and I think we will not be together much longer.

It would be good to get some advice from someone not close to my problem to help me make that decision.

TESSA

Some people believe in the power of prayer, others in the ability of intense ‘visualisation’ to influence events — and there are those who reckon you can get what you want by simply asking the universe to give it to you.

I offer no opinions there — but I do believe in self-fulfilling prophesies. The term was coined in 1948 by the American sociologist Robert Merton to describe ‘a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the originally false conception come true’.

In other words, you get an idea in your head then consistently act in such a way that the notion turns out to be ‘true.’ Obviously it has a huge relevance to the upbringing of children (I once heard an indifferent young mother in a children’s ward describe her baby as ‘naughty.’). But I also believe it to be a factor in many relationships.

Here you are, telling me that you are the also-ran in this marriage. You’ve never believed he loves you, think he stays with you ‘out of pity’, and constantly cross-examine him about a potential split caused by a woman friend you think he wants to be with.

You ‘must assume’ (you say) a whole lot of destructive negatives — because you’ve decided to believe they are true. Your suspicions — surely based on nothing much at all — are determined enough to make you ‘heart-broken’ because ‘we will not be together much longer.’

What are you doing? To be frank, if your husband has indeed ‘behaved in such a way’ that people think ‘something is going on’ — it could be because you have made life so anxious, so needy, so dreary, that he is relieved to escape to the conversation of a lady who doesn’t make him feel thoroughly depressed.

Honestly, I do feel very sorry for anybody who appears so set on unhappiness. Of course, it could be that your suspicions are correct, and he is fonder of this lady than he should be.

But if I were in your shoes — afraid of being ‘on my own both emotionally and financially’ — I would do something about turning myself into the kind of wife who is a delight to be with.

I know a woman whose husband (working abroad) developed a mega-crush on a stunning colleague.

The wife was scared and angry — but very wise, too. So she made sure that what was waiting for him on Friday nights was utterly captivating on every level. The marriage flourished.

Please try to change your mind set — now. Investigate Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and try a couple of sessions with a local therapist. Do the exercise of ‘flipping’ all your negative statements to make positive ones. You can throw your marriage a lifeline right now — but not if you are so intent on drowning it in your tears.

AND FINALLY: Life will pass you by if you just wallow

The rising divorce rate has created a generation of lonely middle-aged men and women. It’s almost certainly not what they planned; they had their dreams — but life got in the way.

More and more baby-boomers (45-64) are living alone, while the number of over-75s alone has risen from 1.78 million to 2.21 million in the past 20 years. And loneliness is a problem often met in this column.

The other week I had supper in London with a very old friend. Since her husband ended their marriage (his infidelity) years ago, she’s lived alone. I asked whether she ever felt unhappy and/or afraid of the future.

I want to share her inspiring reply — because we can all learn from this forever-young 65 year old. She feels lucky to be close to her two sons, one of whom is married with two children.

So her first concern is to be a cheerful, hands-on mum and granny, for whom nothing is too much trouble and who never moans.

Then, she is still close to her ex-husband — so much so that his current lady confided he would do anything for her. She believes it absolutely.

There are no recriminations in this story — none of the negatives that tear children apart and infect family life. Do I hear you say it’s impossible? No, it is not. I tell you, too many people choose to nurse blame and make themselves miserable.

Third, my friend keeps up with many friends and activities. She attends lectures, digs her allotment, is involved with the residents’ group in her flats, and goes to plays, movies, exhibitions to keep in touch.

All this makes her an exemplary person anyone would want to spend time with.

Now, my question to readers who live alone is this: are you like her? If your answer is a sad shake of the head, then why not try something like the University of the Third Age with a friend or neighbour, and make a new start?

• Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.