BEL MOONEY: Will our daughter’s new friend bring her happiness?

Dear Bel,

We are a very happy family unit, husband and wife of 43 years, two lovely children: a daughter of 40 and a son now married with a daughter.

Our daughter had two quite serious, long term relationships with men who, over a period of time, treated her quite badly. The last ended three years ago. 

She has since met men on various dating apps, all of which have been disastrous – seemingly all only want sex or come with enormous emotional baggage that makes our daughter feel she is being used.

She sees her brother in a happy relationship with a child, which she longs for herself. We would truly love this for her too.

Some weeks ago, she hooked up with a woman whom she met on an online meet friends website. Now this appears to have become a serious emotional/sexual relationship.

She rang us a few days ago to say she is now dating this woman – who had two children while married to another female, but has since separated and now has stage 3 breast cancer.

Honestly, we are absolutely shell-shocked. For the first time ever neither of us know quite what to say to our daughter.

She says she is surprised but very happy and still trying to get her own head around what has happened. Because this woman has shown our daughter the affection she has so long craved from a man, is this to be her future?

Of course we don’t know but we fear this woman may in some way be using our daughter as a possible crutch to get her through her illness – and at the end will leave our darling daughter crushed, very badly this time.

I realise that sounds very harsh. We have made the decision not to say very much, not judge, but give support as and when our daughter needs us. However at this time we have no wish to know more about or to meet her partner.

Absolutely terrified we will lose our darling daughter, we cannot believe she is in a relationship with another woman. Our lives and hers have been totally turned upside-down.

I apologise if this all sounds slightly shallow; we are two very, very distressed parents, who, for once, simply don’t know at all how to help or see a way forward for our daughter, her friends and family.

CHERYL

 Twice in my life I have talked to mothers who had just discovered their adult daughter has fallen for another woman. 

Their shock and distress was, I discovered, not so much founded on homophobic judgment as on their sudden realisation that they were unlikely to see their daughters become mothers.

Twice I suggested that to observe the contentment of a dear daughter whose previous relationships had been disastrous was surely better than knowing she was being verbally abused by a man. Reluctantly both agreed with me – and I’m pleased to report that a few years on they are glad their daughters are so happy in stable, loving relationships with female partners.

I have lesbian friends who used to have husbands; others who have returned to their original heterosexuality. All this is ‘allowed’, even if hard to come to terms with by loving parents like yourselves.

Isn’t happiness and security all we want for our children? None of us can know what their future will be; whether a current happy marriage will go wrong in ten years time. The greatest gift we can give them is support as they stumble along, making mistakes, being hurt, trying new things, getting older….

Such support doesn’t have to be unquestioning, but any concerns should be of the ‘Are you sure?’ and ‘Be sure to think it through’ variety, rather than expressing any negativity you might feel inside. Why are you, ‘Absolutely terrified we will lose our darling daughter’? when she is simply at the beginning of a new relationship and giving companionship and affection to a woman who has had a frightening diagnosis?

I see no reason why she should depart from your lives – that is, unless you show disapproval and a lack of empathy.

You begin by emphasising the happiness of your family. But why should your daughter having a new friend jeopardise that? I used the word ‘friend’ here, rather than ‘girlfriend,’ because if you are upset at the thought of actual lesbian sexuality it might be better to focus on love and care between two individuals. That’s what matters.

‘The way forward’ is to take that point seriously and act accordingly. I have no doubt of the sincerity of your parental love, but advise you to show it through tolerance – and by losing the panicky tone of your letter.

You’re very wise to say you will not, ‘judge, but support,’ but you’d display even more wisdom were you to suggest your daughter brings her new companion round for a cup of tea as soon as she feels like it. Who among ‘friends and family’ could possibly object to that?

This relationship may develop or it may founder. Please make it easy on yourself, stop worrying so much and see what happens.

Dear Bel

Can I beg some impartial advice? I’m a 62 year married man living happily in North Somerset with my wife of 27 years. 

Sadly my father passed away in April last year and my mother is now living on her own after 62 years.

Because she lives 130 miles away I try to visit about once a month and spend a long weekend with her. 

But although I have two younger siblings who live within walking distance of her home, Mother always plays the guilt card with me and cries, saying how much she hates being on her own.

This is tearing me apart. My wife has been totally understanding but I’m afraid her patience is wearing thin. 

As you will understand, I can’t just quit my job and leave my wife – who understandably insists she is staying where she is.

What I don’t understand is why it’s me my mother picks on and not my two siblings. I’m at my wits end. I cannot be in two places at once, and just to cap it all, my Mother has recently been diagnosed with dementia and I really don’t know how to cope with what lies ahead.

ROBERT

When you tell me she ‘plays the guilt card’ I know exactly what you mean and why you use the phrase. You are in a very difficult situation. However, may I gently suggest it is no help to your mother (or to you) to use words which imply intent or manipulation?

I know well that the elderly can be self-centred and demanding – traits that can intensify the burden of desperately anxious offspring doing their best. But one year on, your poor mother is still living with a terrible loss and (I’m sure) feeling bewildered at the change in her life, after such a long marriage.

It isn’t her fault that she longs for more from you – her eldest child – than you can possibly give. She isn’t ‘picking on’ you, but expressing sorrow, fear and a very human wistfulness for times that can never come again. 

I suspect the ‘guilt’ you mention simply arises from that very awareness within your heart.

Your relatively short email says nothing about the amount of attention and specific help your mother is receiving from your siblings. This matters, for both need to understand that the care of an elderly parent is a shared responsibility. 

So I hope they are good to her in every way. Now that she has had her diagnosis do you think would be a good time for a serious family meeting, to construct some sort of care plan? In your place I would organise the face-to-face talk at one of their homes, adding it on to your next long weekend with your mother.

It would be ideal if you could sort out a timetable of attention. If your mother knew she would be seeing somebody for a chat every day it might help her feel less isolated. Does she have any friends? Neighbours? Do your siblings have partners and children? It shouldn’t be beyond the bounds of possibility to set up a rota of visits.

It would be helpful for your siblings to realise you are not shifting the burden of responsibility entirely on to them, but will do everything in your power to increase your weekend visits to one every three weeks. Might that be possible?

I know you have commitments and must think of your wife, yet your mother will not be with you forever and when you look back on this time I predict you’ll be glad you were there for her even more than now. I hope you can share these thoughts with your wife and get her 100% on side.

You and your siblings can discuss neighbourhood help too; they will be in a good position to research local Age UK, social services, and anything else which might add another visitor to your mother’s schedule.

Might it be possible for you to have a Facetime or Zoom call to your mother once a week? Is there a niece or nephew who could help her with this, if you were to supply the tablet?

If you are anxious about your mother falling you should organise an alarm system for her, and of course, in time, employing a carer to help her getting up and going to bed may prove essential.

Your mother is at the last stage in her life, so please ensure her three children can hold out the strongest, and most loving of hands (yes, all six) to help her – and can also find the words to gentle her spirit.

And finally…

The Angel Lady has been busy again. I’ve mentioned her before: the anonymous reader who creates little angel charms out of glass beads (with tiny metal wings) and sends them out to cheer people up. 

This time she sent me a veritable flock, or small choir: six little angelic sparkles in the palm of my hand. Thank you!

Anonymous giving is so beautiful. It’s lovely when people knit or crochet decorative ‘hats’ for post-boxes. What is the point? Just that others will wander past, smile and exclaim, ‘Oooh, just look!’

In Hereford they’re known as the Secret Society of Hertford Crafters, (SSOHC) and they spend hours creating scenes out of yarn to display on top of post boxes. 

They made 17,000 poppies for the centenary of Armistice Day. Similar activities go on all over the country, to enliven minds and delight hearts – for free.

That delightful ‘jolt’ of the mind is also what Easter is about. Yes, Christmas is wonderful, but Easter Sunday brings none of the same stress. It’s a glorious, essential festival of renewal: of life after death symbolised by Jesus, and that promise of new beginnings for all of us which Spring delivers each year. Birds in their nests agree.

Of course, when you are feeling very low it is very hard – even impossible – to imagine any sort of new start. It can be hard to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. I know just how that feels.

Yet when I urge you to go outside, take some exercise, even just buy cheap, plentiful supermarket daffs, it’s because I really have found, through experience, that seemingly small acts can result in big shifts of feeling.

I love it that a reader emailed simply, ‘I bought the daffodils!’ in response to my advice two weeks ago.

The primroses, cowslips, daffodils and fritillaries in our garden are joining me here in wishing you all a very happy Easter.

A walk in the park should reveal some to you too. Go see!