A woman has revealed her struggle with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) despite losing 70 pounds.
In a YouTube video, vegan lifestyle blogger Hannah Howlett, 30, from Benson Arizona, has opened up about her struggle with positive self image.
Despite building up a loyal following of fans on her page High Carb Hannah, the health advocate has shared that she has been suffering from BDD.
Open: Vegan lifestyle blogger Hannah Howlett, 30, from Benson Arizona has opened up about her struggle with Body Dysmorphic Disorder on YouTube
Follow the leader: The health advocate has built up a huge community of over 180,000 followers on Instagram
Life through a lens: Hannah feels that being on camera so much is to blame
‘I’m not exactly sure how long this has been going on but I’ve just realized I’ve been struggling with body dysmorphia for a long time,’ she said.
‘It’s very real and it can definitely ruin your life,’ she added.
She also explained that she also didn’t realize that BDD can be common with people who have lost a lot of weight.
‘Ever since I’ve lost weight and got healthy, I’ve been very focused on my body,’ she explained.
‘Being online and showing so much of your body, and that’s the main focus of my channel and constantly seeing yourself on camera and videos and in photos, it can really screw you up.’
She added in the description of her video: ‘Some people who have lost a lot of weight have trouble embracing their new, slimmer shapes. Throughout my weight loss journey its been very hard for me to see any changes.
‘People always told me I looked great or they could see so many differences but to me I still felt like I looked the same. Of course this has gotten better as time went on, as I learned to love myself and not focus so much on the weight on the scale or the “progress” being made but for me, I think any type of me trying to improve my body shape, makes the problem worse.
‘This phenomenon is sometimes called “phantom fat” or “phantom fat syndrome.” The medical term is body dysmorphic disorder.’
In her honest and emotional video, Hannah then acknowledged that people probably wouldn’t be able to understand how she looks at her before and after pictures and sees herself as fat, calling them ‘first world problems’.
She also admitted that sometimes she had days where she felt like nothing had changed, and even looking at her before and after photos made her feel like a failure.
‘I’ve always wanted to be a positive example and [get people to] treat their bodies right and not get themselves down for not being perfect and I do, I feel like a total hypocrite,’ she said.
But she acknowledged putting too much pressure on herself was at the heart of the issue: ‘I feel like it did start when I got done with my transformation.’
Starting from scratch: After gaining 20lbs lifting weights, Hannah felt like she was back to square one
Positive vibes only: Hannah wants to help and inspire others
Strong not skinny: Hannah also revealed that she took before and after photos and despite gaining muscle weight, looked the exact same
Not giving up: Hannah is dedicated to overcoming her BDD issues and says getting feedback from followers has helped
She explained that although she was technically ‘done’ after losing 70 pounds, she still felt like she had ‘so much work to do’ so started lifting weights and that’s where the trouble really started.
‘I gained 20 pounds which is a lot for me, and I feel like people who’ve had a lot of weight, to gain 20 pounds, it’s detrimental to your mental state if you’re not in the right stage of mind, because you worked so hard to get to where you are. It’s like you have to start over.’
To help her combat why she was feeling that way, Hannah decided to take some pictures to compare her body pre-lifting weights and post-lifting weights, and found that not only did her body look the same, her clothes fit the same and she has the exact same measurements, leading her to conclude that while she might not weight the same, she looks the ‘exact’ same.
She says she’s now 15 pounds heavier than her lowest weight, but has better muscle tone, is so much fitter, has less cellulite and looks better – and is the same size.
However, she says she still finds that hard to grasp as she put so much emphasis on the scales: ‘Now I’m not High Carb Hannah who lost 70 pounds, I’m High Carb Hannah who lost 50 pounds, I can’t say that anymore and I guess that just screwed me up in the head mentally.
‘I think so many people struggle with bad self image. You can get yourself into a very negative and destructive mindset for quickly.’
She also shared that her struggle with BDD stopped her from going out and she felt ‘so mentally screwed up’.
But she added that she’s now trying to reassess and reevaluate despite her mindset of needing to feel fitter, stronger, thinner or healthier, and that this has been very mentally draining.
With over 180,000 followers on Instagram, she says social media has also played a big part in her struggle and although she acknowledges that she puts the pressure on herself and wouldn’t blame others, she also falls into the trap of comparing herself to others, especially those in the fitness and vegan communities.
Despite that, she thanked her community if followers for helping her share her story and she said hearing feedback and advice from followers helps her.