An inspirational student who thought she ‘would never get better’ after her anorexia battle left her losing her hair and toenails has revealed how she finally managed to beat her demons.
Esme Park, 21, from Glendale, California, developed anorexia when she was just 16 after her family moved from her home state to Canada, where Esme didn’t feel like she fitted in.
The teen’s feelings led her to believe that if she could make herself smaller, people wouldn’t notice her. So, she started running every day and becoming obsessed over how many calories she was consuming.
Getting better: Esme Park, 21, from Glendale, California, overcame anorexia after years of obsessing with calorie counting and running
Back in the day: Esme developed anorexia after moving from California to Canada at 16
She avoided carbs and fat in favor of ‘safe’ foods like cucumber, low sugar fruit and egg whites.
‘I [felt] like I was doing something right. When I would see the number on the scale go down, I felt like I was successful,’ she said.
‘I wasn’t successful at fitting in but I was doing something right because I was losing weight. It was a way to distract myself from feeling lonely.
These habits saw Esme drop to a dangerously low weight of just 86lbs, leaving her constantly feeling exhausted.
‘My hair would fall out and my toenails would fall off. Dark hair grew all over my body and face. I was always cold. My joints and bones ached,’ she said.
She was also running a whopping seven miles every day as a part of her obsession to stay thin, leading to a number of injuries including one hip injury that took months to recover from.
Too much: She was running for seven miles every day and restricting her diet to the point that her hair began falling out
Looking back: Esme claims that her anorexia battle alienated her from friends and family
‘I was pushing myself to exercise when my body was too weak. My heart rate and blood pressure dropped so low that my doctors threatened hospitalization,’ she said.
‘Mentally, I was also exhausted. I was depressed and anxious. I isolated myself from everyone I loved, including my family. I lost my personality and my motivation to do anything besides obsess over calories and exercise.’
She added: ‘I skipped parties because I was too tired and anxious. I hated how I looked and constantly picked myself apart. I became cold and unfriendly. I felt trapped and so scared. I honestly thought I would never get better.’
It wasn’t until she turned 19 that things began to change. Esme realized that she wanted to get better for herself instead of others.
With the help of her friends and family, Esme educated herself on nutrition, health and fitness and worked her way towards recovery.
Esme now does one cardio session a week and weight trains four times a week, never denying herself the occasional treat and is a strong and healthy 105lbs.
Looking up: Esme admits that there were times in her battle when she thought she would ‘never get better’
Fit and strong: Today, Esme only does one cardio session per week and weight trains four times per week
Standing tall: Esme is now studying journalism and hopes to inspire others through writing
Now recovered, Esme is at university studying Journalism and hopes to be able to inspire others through her writing. She says overcoming her eating disorder made her a better person.
‘Although the years I struggled with anorexia were the worst years of my life, they made me who I am today. They made stronger, more empathetic, wiser and grateful,’ she added.
‘It proved to me that I am stronger than I think. It showed me that I have a passion for health, nutrition and fitness. Most importantly, it gave me a story to tell and a way to help people who are struggling.
‘The most difficult part about recovery for me was later on in recovery, when you begin to physically look healthy but you are still struggling mentally. People tend to forget that eating disorders are a mental disorder with physical symptoms.
‘Just because someone looks healthy, it doesn’t mean they are on the inside. Everyone starts to act like you aren’t still struggling or that you’re all better because you look better.
‘This is when you need to stay true to your recovery and refuse to relapse. Be honest with everyone around you and ask for more support. Remind yourself that recovery is more than physically healing yourself, but healing your relationship with food, exercise and most importantly, yourself.’
Eating up: She claims the toughest part of recovery came when she was looking healthier but dealing with the mental illness
Eating out: Esme’s current diet includes never denying herself the odd treat
Happy days: Esme is using her story to spread awareness and reach out to others dealing with eating disorders
Esme’s family supported her throughout her recovery and she now hopes to inspire others to get better.
‘I’m trying to think about what I would want to hear when I was struggling, but I just remember feeling hopeless and scared. So, I guess I want to say that there is always hope,’ she explained.
‘I know you feel like you’ll never get better or that you’re the one person that can’t be saved, but you’re wrong. You have so much more strength and potential than you know. There is not one person on this earth that has struggled with something like this that is ‘too sick’ to get better.
‘You can do this. You can choose to believe again and it’s going to be so hard. It’s probably going to be the hardest thing in your life, I’m not going to lie to you. But it will be worth it.
‘You will be happy and excited about life again and it’s going to feel amazing. You just can’t give up and you have to start.’