Carrie Underwood has spoken of the trauma of suffering three miscarriages before her son Jacob’s birth, saying she would ‘put on a happy face then go home and fall apart.’
In a new interview with The Guardian, the singer, 36, discussed the heartbreaking losses she endured in two years, and said she would ‘always mourn’ her lost babies.
The American Idol winner – who is married to former professional ice hockey player Mike Fisher, welcomed her second son in January 2019, a brother for Isaiah, four.
Brave: Carrie Underwood has spoken of the trauma of suffering three miscarriages before her son Jacob’s birth, saying she would ‘put on a happy face then go home and fall apart’
Family first: The American Idol winner – who is married to former professional ice hockey player Mike Fisher, welcomed her second son in January 2019, a brother for Isaiah, four
Carrie channelled her grief into songs on new album Cry Pretty but admitted the emotional songwriting process took its toll.
She said: ‘I was still trying to do my job and put on a smiley happy face and be Carrie Underwood. And then I’d go home and fall apart.’
The star said the sense of loss will also stay with her, saying: ‘I think you feel silly being so attached to something that you knew about for this long. But I still feel it, you know.’
Carrie also said singing particular songs from the album are both ‘difficult and therapeutic’ but helped her to mourn her lost children.
Mother: In a new interview with The Guardian , the singer, 36, discussed the heartbreaking losses she endured in two years, and said she would ‘always mourn’ her lost babies (pictured with Isaiah)
She said: ‘I will always mourn those children, those lives that were a shooting star, a breath of smoke, but I have Jacob, and he is incredible, he is the sweetest little baby.’
The candid interview comes nine months after Carrie first revealed her personal tragedy in an interview with CBS News.
The star explained: ‘I’d kind of planned that 2017 was, you know, going to be the year that I work on new music, and I have a baby. We got pregnant early 2017, and didn’t work out.’
She continued: ‘It happens. And that was the thing, in the beginning it was like, “Okay, God, we know this is, just wasn’t Your timing. And that is all right. We will bounce back and figure our way through it.” And got pregnant again in the spring, and it didn’t work out.’
The Cry Pretty singer revealed that a third lost pregnancy had her asking questions: ‘Got pregnant again, early 2018. Didn’t work out. So, at that point, it was just kind of like, “Okay, like, what’s the deal? What is all of this?”
New arrival: She said: ‘I will always mourn those children, those lives that were a shooting star, a breath of smoke, but I have Jacob (above), and he is incredible, he is the sweetest little baby’
‘I had always been afraid to be angry. Because we are so blessed. And my son, Isaiah, is the sweetest thing. And he’s the best thing in the world. And I’m like, “If we can never have any other kids, that’s okay, because he’s amazing.” And I have this amazing life. Like, really, what can I complain about? I can’t. I have an incredible husband, incredible friends, an incredible job, an incredible kid. Can I be mad? No.’
She explained that when she then thought she was suffering a fourth miscarriage, she cried before turning to God.
‘Mike was away just for the evening, and I texted him, and I was like, “I don’t really want to be alone, so I’m just gonna go snuggle with Isaiah.” And I don’t know how I didn’t wake him up, but I was just sobbing.
‘And I was like, “Why on Earth do I keep getting pregnant if I can’t have a kid? Like, what is this? Shut the door. Like, do something. Either shut the door or let me have a kid,”‘ she told the network.
‘For the first time, I feel like I actually I told God how I felt. And I feel, like, we’re supposed to do that. That was like a Saturday – and the Monday I went to the doctor to, like, confirm, another miscarriage. And they told me everything was great!’
Carrie won season four of American Idol in 2005 and has since sold more than 65 million records worldwide.
Her latest UK performance will see her take to the stage at Glastonbury music festival’s Pyramid Stage on June 29.
Happy couple: Carrie has been married to Mike, 39, since 2010, after first meeting at one of her concerts in 2008