Titan against titch, pro superstar vs plucky amateur, a household name swatting aside some ordinary Joe, all to a soundtrack of power pop – it’s the formula that made Gladiators unmiss-able in the 1990s.
And this BBC1 remake, which returned yesterday evening, sticks doggedly to the format, by pairing showbiz veteran Bradley Walsh with his son Barney, hoping to knock his old man off the podium. He’d have more chance of KOing a gladiator with a stick of candy floss.
If Brad is Batman, Barney is the Boy Wonder, but only in the sense that you wonder what on earth he’s doing there.
Doting dad Bradley has been nursing his son’s career for years. They’ve driven their campervan halfway round the world, tackling bungee jumps on Breaking Dad. When Bradley was Pa in The Larkins, Barney landed a role as the village policeman.
The sad fact is, he’s not doing 26-year-old Barney any favours. Walsh Junior looked overwhelmed as the lights went up in the Gladiators arena, surrounded by a screaming crowd.
The BBC1 remake of Gladiators pairs showbiz veteran Bradley Walsh with his son Barney (Pictured left)
Bradley Walsh, 63 (Pictured left) is one of the most experienced showman on telly
His arms hung limply and his legs wobbled, like a puppet hanging by a single string. His naturally light voice became strangulated. A moment of terrified hesitation preceded every line he spoke.
Alongside an equally awkward presenter, this might have seemed endearing. Next to his dad, 63, the most experienced showman on telly, he looked lost.
Bradley has split-second timing with every gag and the ability to whip up a crowd as he draws on their energy. It’s obvious he’s done everything in his power to coach his son but, before a live audience this size, he couldn’t hold back.
The result was the biggest mismatch of the night, including the moment when four gladiators leapt on a contestant called Finlay, flattening him so comprehensively he limped for the rest of the show.
Fans of the original ITV series, with Ulrika Jonsson, John Fashanu and Jeremy Guscott, will recognise every element.
Some things have changed: the women’s costumes are less revealing, while the men appear to wear only spray paint. High-res video graphics turn the slow-motion replays into electrified special effects, with freeze frames that seem to pop out of the screen.
None of this disguises the fact that the games are the same, bouts of horseplay like all-in wrestling for small children.
The gladiators are not children, but bodybuilders with superhero names. Fire can outrun a grizzly bear and Diamond can lift a gorilla. Sabre can hoist a baby elephant. Giant eats seven meals a day.
The BBC1 remake of Gladiators returned to TV screens yesterday
Each lycra-clad warrior has a signature pose that sums up their personality. Nasty Viper delivers a forearm smash with a scowl. Beefcake Legend, who’s ‘a combination of ‘David Hasselhoff and Gandhi’, smirks as he flexes his muscles.
The youngest, Dynamite, who can walk 100 yards on her hands, gives us a sweet smile.
Most contests are brief. Grappling in a ring, swinging from rope rings or bashing each other with foam rubber cudgels, the battles are short on structure or tactics.
That leaves a lot of time to fill with crowd participation and post-match interviews, where Barney yelps things like: ‘A success story for the ages!’
The original Gladiators was just that – a success story. This version only proves that, no matter how much we might wish to, there’s no going back to the 1990s.
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