Brooklyn Beckham isn’t a celebrity chef. The bloke struggled to prepare a bacon sandwich during a mortifying segment on NBC’s Today show.
He’s not a famous photographer, either. His coffee table book of snaps was derided because most of the childish black and white images were out of focus.
Nope, Brooklyn is one of those annoying figures that seem to populate celebrity culture in 2022 who is famous simply because his parents are.
I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice, if dim, guy.
And I blame his parents David and Victoria for creating a sense of entitlement that their kids just must be famous from a young age.
Brooklyn Beckham and his new wife Nicola Peltz at their wedding in Palm Beach last weekend
But this weekend I snapped.
In the middle of a once-in-a-generation cost of living crisis, this vapid offspring is putting the world through the most garish, gauche and grotesque celebrity wedding since, well, his parents.
The sickeningly extravagant nuptials saw the cost rack up thanks to three days of festivities, 500 guests, massive marquees, the bride’s Grace Kelly-style dress, a one-hour performance by Marc Anthony, a jazz quartet, a 12-piece band, two religious ceremonies, a diamond lapel chain from Anita Ko and a DJ set by Fat Tony.
Vogue Magazine is, for some reason, already releasing pictures and video online and plans to devote its July cover to the wedding of tattooed Brooklyn – even though, as far as I can tell, the bride and groom have achieved little in their own right apart from amassing millions of social media followers thanks to their familiar last names.
And we know why: It’s very little to do with the 23-year-old or his new wife, minor league actress and US burger chain heiress Nicola Peltz, 27, who also comes from a family of unfathomable privilege.
Brooklyn Beckham struggled to prepare a bacon sandwich on NBC’s Today show last October
The same sort of privilege that saw his dad gift the happy couple a £500,000 electric Jaguar XK140 as a wedding present.
Nope, Vogue, like all magazines, wants access to the parade of A-listers in attendance thanks to mummy and daddy like Gordon Ramsay, Eva Longoria, Venus Williams, and Spice Girls Mel B and Mel C.
Their description of the event had me reaching for the sick bucket: ‘It’s the stuff that modern fairytales are made of: a beautiful blonde film star meets a handsome young scion of one of Britain’s most famous – and fashionable – families, sparks fly, and a truly 21st-century romance unfolds.’
Look, I understand that wealthy people have always hosted revoltingly over the top celebrations, but they don’t expect the rest of the world to engage in their excessiveness.
That’s the difference with this event.
I think I’m most offended by the idea that the Beckhams’ genuinely think we should care about their children and treat them like A-listers.
David and Victoria Beckham at Brooklyn’s wedding at Palm Beach over the weekend
It’s very weird that a couple who so often love to moan about all the so-called hardships that come with fame have set out to turn their children into mini-me celebs from the moment they could talk.
As well as Brooklyn’s various forays into the world of celebrity, there’s been Romeo Beckham’s modelling debut with Burberry at the age of ten and Cruz Beckham’s awful music debut at the age of 11, helmed by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun.
Perhaps I should feel sorry for Brooklyn, for living a life where he will be forever overshadowed by his parents.
After all, the Daily Mail’s peerless Chief Showbusiness Writer Alison Boshoff – who uncovered the £15million price tag – also revealed today that the rabbi who conducted one of two of the religious ceremonies over the weekend accidentally called Brooklyn ‘David’ as the happy couple exchanged their vows.
But she reported: ‘Brooklyn, who bears accusations of nepotism with good grace, found it funny that even at this moment he was being overshadowed by his more famous parent. Apparently the rabbi excused himself by explaining that he is a football fan.’
Like all marriages, I wish the Peltz-Beckhams, as they’ll now be known, following the woke playbook, a long and happy union, although my experience in the world of celebrity means I give it five years max.
David, Victoria and Brooklyn Beckham at the GQ Men of the Year Awards 2019 in London
Not surprisingly, given the families involved, they’ve already signed a prenup allowing the couple to keep their own assets and properties in the (likely) case of divorce.
But what this weekend’s events do above all else is harden my conviction that our disconnect with the celebrity class has never been deeper.
It was proven by the Hollywood deplorables who now pretend they disapprove of Will Smith physically assaulting Chris Rock on live TV when we watched with our own eyes as they cheered him on as he won his Oscar minutes later.
It was proven yet again by the newly viral clip of his oddball wife Jada Pinkett-Smith advocating grandmothers teach their grandkids about masturbation at nine-years-old because that’s what happened in her childhood. Oh yeah, Jada really turned out alright didn’t she, we must listen to her!
It was proven by Disney executives who were caught admitting they intend to shove ‘queerness’ and left-wing identity politics down the throats of our children who can no longer be left to enjoy a classic animation.
The best thing Brooklyn and Nicola could do now is withdraw from the spotlight only given to them by their famous folks, secure real jobs, and focus on pursuing a happy marriage in private.
I fear there’s more chance of Victoria returning once more to the top of the music charts than that happening.
***
Read more at DailyMail.co.uk