There were wild celebrations in EastEnders when the Queen Vic was saved, avoiding being closed down forevermore to the amazement of precisely no one watching at home.
After all, the idea of the entire population having to venture into a new world to find another pub was unimaginable, even if they were all alcoholics.
The only people who were surprised were the locals.
Good times: There were wild celebrations in EastEnders when the Queen Vic was saved, avoiding being closed down forevermore to the amazement of precisely no one watching at home
Danny Dyer announced ‘drinks on the arse!’ and sang a chorus of ‘Doing The Lambeth Walk’ – probably the most Cockney thing in the history of television.
Then punters formed a conga led by Karen Taylor the Racist, and poured into Albert Square.
Joy was unconfined.
Well except for Martin and Stacey – plus various members of their extended family caught up in their bitter break-up. Their complicated collection of children for example, Michelle the Paedophile, and Sonia who is never happy and hasn’t been for 20 years, since she gave up the trumpet (as it were).
Cause for celebration: Danny Dyer announced ‘drinks on the arse!’ and sang a chorus of ‘Doing The Lambeth Walk’ – probably the most Cockney thing in the history of television
They were busy re-enacting War Of The Roses, only with Social Services, taking turns to lock each other out of the house and hold their kids hostage.
So they missed all the ‘fun’ and the ‘drama’ across the Square.
Against all the odds (and logic) the Carters’ tenure as landlords was rescued when Lady Di expelled a diamond ring out of her backside – albeit one covered in faeces but worth the 200, 000 needed to buy back the lease.
Hey it could happen…Well in EastEnders it could anyway.
Here we go: The punters formed a conga and poured into Albert Square
Halfway had simply picked up the gem in a van shortly before the rest of the jewellery was stolen in the Great Walford Heist and given it away – to the Carters. Their bulldog had then swallowed it but defied the laws of biology when the huge rock passed through her digestive system almost immediately. Surely even Milk of Magnesia didn’t work that swiftly.
It was the type of ‘humour’ EastEnders seems determined to specialise in (unfortunately) – a throwback to the 70s and Frank Spencer, Mind Your Language, or It Ain’t ‘alf Hot Mum.
The hapless antics of Masood working in the pub or sleeping in his ice-cream van were as ludicrous and laboured as ‘Joey The Wig’, Bernadette burning Ted’s shirts, or her mother leering over Masood, despite thinking he should ‘go back to where you came from.’
Unlikely: Against all the odds (and logic) the Carters’ tenure as landlords was rescued when Lady Di expelled a diamond ring out of her backside – albeit one covered in faeces but worth the 200, 000 needed to buy back the lease
Halfway’s homage to Rodney from Only Fools And Horses meanwhile was more entertaining.
‘That’s one thing I never got,’ he said to Whitney during their ‘date’ in McCluskeys. ‘Why have chickens got wings if they can’t fly?’
‘So we can eat them?’ she mused with a kind of genius and suggesting they had the IQs to be well suited.
Then again the writers must have a low opinion of her to think no one else would ask her out.
Martin and Stacey – plus various members of their extended family caught up in their bitter break-up
Acrimony: They were busy re-enacting War Of The Roses, only with Social Services, taking turns to lock each other out of the house and hold their kids hostage
For a while – when he produced the diamond ring from the robbery – it looked as if the writers were hinting that Halfway was the latest in the long line of criminal masterminds who weren’t actually that bright.
Mel had helpfully compiled a list with Aidan and Ben both the smartest and thickest of the thieves.
Who’s got the money it’s hard to tell. Or care…
Mel Owen (EastEnders’ very own Miss Marple) hadn’t worked it out, possibly because she’s the one who’s actually nicked it.
The most intriguing thing about the whole storyline is which bit was worse (more implausible): the robbery itself or the aftermath.
Happily we now have Martin and Stacey to distract us, if not exactly cheer us up.
Here we go: Martin and Stacey (pictured) are the most miserable couple in Walford – and that was before he found out what sort of present she gave Sex-Mad Max Branning on Christmas Eve
Martin and Stacey are the most miserable couple in Walford – and that was before he found out what sort of present she gave Sex-Mad Max Branning on Christmas Eve.
His bitterness is most impressive thing about him, even stopping Stacey from breast-feeding their baby.
‘What have you got planned Martin?’ Stacey carped during one row. ‘Get dressed up as Batman and climb on the roof of the caff?’
‘No!’ answered Martin darkly. ‘Climbing on the roof is your thing not mine.’
Not allowed: Martin’s bitterness is most impressive thing about him, even stopping Stacey from breast-feeding their baby
Ouch. This was a reference to the near-fatal bi-polar episode Stacey suffered when she stopped taking her medication.
‘We all know she’s got problems and I’m going to use that in court,’ Martin announced, ringing Social Services.
‘Do you think that’s a good idea?’ asked Sonia, who was Martin’s ex- from one of the times she wasn’t a lesbian.
This was a bit rich coming from her.
Threats: ‘We all know she’s got problems and I’m going to use that in court,’ Martin announced
Sonia had berated Stacey in the market, claiming everyone was scared of her in case ‘she’s not on her meds’ and accusing her of being ‘more unstable than a three-legged chair.’
Nurses are not as nice as they used to be are they?
It was Stacey’s turn to kick Martin on to the street.
‘So you’re locking my dad out of his own house!’ wailed Bex.
‘Well he locked me out first!’ Stacey cried, as if she were seven.
Hot happy: Sonia had also berated Stacey in the market, claiming everyone was scared of her in case ‘she’s not on her meds’ and accusing her of being ‘more unstable than a three-legged chair’
Kathy summed it up best when she said, ‘it’s the kids I feel sorry for!’
As great as she is even Stacey accepted ‘I’m my own worst enemy.’ She had let Sex-Mad Max seduce her again after all this time, succumbing to his inexplicable ginger charms on Christmas Eve, and whilst dressed as an angel too – flapping her wings alarmingly frantically.
Mind you Martin’s morals were even more questionable: a man who The Birdie Song as his ringtone…
Perhaps it would be best if neither of them won custody of the kids.
Someone call Social Services.