Q My recently widowed ex-husband has been leaning on me a lot for emotional support. I don’t mind, but my second husband is not particularly pleased. I have been with the latter for 15 years, married for ten, and we are very happy together. We met about five years after my divorce. My ex was having an affair, yet we had an amicable split and have remained good friends.
To be honest, having an excuse to end the relationship was almost a relief. We married virtually straight out of school and, after 20 years, had become more like brother and sister. I feel so sad for him now. His late wife was lovely, and a good stepmother to our now adult daughters. She died of breast cancer and my ex is devastated, calling me almost every day and often dropping in.
My husband is sympathetic – he usually gets on well with my ex – but thinks he’s overstepping the mark. He says I need to try to stop him leaning on me so much. I’ve told him it’s temporary, that my ex is grieving and his reliance will lessen over time. There is no question of us ever rekindling our relationship, but my husband is a bit jealous. How do I avoid upsetting them both?
A You sound like a truly good and loving person to support your ex in this way while not wanting to upset your husband. I believe you when you say you have no romantic interest in your ex; your generous acceptance of and obvious fondness for his late wife show that your relationship is fully in the past. I agree, too, that his grief will ease and his reliance on you will lessen. But I understand your husband being a bit jealous. Your ex may pose no threat sexually or romantically, but his closeness could feel unnerving.
Would it help if he could see your ex like a sibling – because this is effectively what your relationship with him has become. Perhaps it makes your husband reflect on your own closeness, which may have slipped with so much going on. What he might also be picking up on is the toll this could be taking on you. I am sure you are also grieving for your ex’s late wife, who sounds as if she had become a friend.
Then there is the loss felt by your daughters. I suspect you might be holding everyone’s pain for them, which could be weighing you down. So continue to support your ex-husband but also make sure that he accesses help from one of the excellent bereavement charities such as mariecurie. org.uk or cruse.org.uk. Ensure you set aside some ‘protected time’ each week, just for you and your husband. Perhaps you can open a conversation with him about how to strengthen your own emotional connection, so that your marriage comes to the forefront of your lives again.
HIS MOTHER IS TOO STRICT FOR OUR CHILDREN
Q My mother-in-law has never been an easy woman. My husband and his siblings had an extremely strict upbringing and he says that his childhood was largely unhappy. Now he gets on OK with his mum (who is in her late 60s), but keeps her at arm’s length. He is quite the opposite as a dad himself, and very loving. However, our youngest child, now four, has just started school and I’ve returned to work part-time.
My mother-in-law has found out that my own mother is involved with childcare and seems offended that we haven’t asked her, too. But we simply don’t want her in sole charge of the children. She is too harsh. Should I tell her? It is hard to keep thinking up excuses.
A It is sometimes complicated negotiating grandparental jealousy. Often the daughter’s parents play a bigger role, which can be tough on the other set. However it does sound in this case that you and your husband have every reason to keep his mother at arm’s length (assuming she hasn’t changed). You both have the right to decide who you want – and feel comfortable with – to look after your children. If they were alone with her you would spend your time worrying.
Your husband has to have that conversation with her so that she doesn’t blame you. He can tell her tactfully and kindly that, while he wants her to be involved in your children’s lives, he feels it would be too difficult for her to manage them alone and would rather he or you were also there. She may be offended initially, but she will come round because, ultimately, the power balance has shifted – she needs all of you more than you need her.
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