Q I am 52 and have been married for 14 years to my second husband. We have a 12-year-old child, with two grown-up children from my first marriage. My mother passed away a year ago and I spent long periods away from home caring for her beforehand and then looking after my stepfather.
However, I recently found out that shortly after my mother died, my husband started sexting a woman he’d met locally. He’d even booked a hotel room for them to meet, though he later cancelled it (I found receipts) and I believe it’s now over. My first marriage ended largely due to my ex’s infidelity and my issues with trust. My husband’s excuse for the sexting was that it was something separate for him, away from the mundanity of family life. He said that I was absent from the home so much and that we weren’t having regular sex.
He is a good father and we get on well. My grown-up children adore him. He also has a large extended family that I love dearly. I just don’t feel I can get over his betrayal at a time when I was so vulnerable. How do I trust him again and, if I can’t, how do I spare everyone so much disruption and loss?
A I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. This is difficult for you as you clearly love your husband and have built a life together. But he has caused you a lot of pain, and it’s especially hard in the wake of your first husband’s betrayal. His sexting was an ‘emotional affair’ – nothing physical happened but his thoughts and feelings were elsewhere so he was not emotionally available to you.
This can hurt just as much as a physical fling and it is particularly painful that he was sexting this woman while you were in the midst of grief. The fact that your husband stopped short of meeting her and ended communication suggests the sexting was indeed, as he says, an escape from reality and some unfulfilled need in him, not anything serious.
Affairs happen for a number of reasons – sometimes they are not really about sex so much as seeking emotional connection. They can be a validation that someone is still attractive or even sometimes a distraction from the fear of dying (sex is proof that you are fit and healthy). Whether you can forgive him depends on whether he is truly remorseful and willing to go to counselling with you to discover why this happened.
Counselling is not always about repairing a marriage; sometimes it can help couples part with less acrimony and pain. It would also help you to explore your trust issues, which sound as if they existed before your first husband’s infidelity. Try relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk. I hope that this relationship can be repaired; I think that it is entirely possible.
WE DON’T WANT THEM TO STAY WITH US
Q My 27-year-old daughter and her boyfriend have been together for three years. My husband and I got on fine with him to start with. However, about 18 months ago, they lived with us for a few weeks (their rental home had been flooded) and our view of him definitely soured. He was lazy, entitled and untidy, which was difficult because our house is small. I did eventually have a polite word but he told me that he didn’t appreciate being told off like a child and we had a huge row.
Since then, an uneasy peace has been restored but my husband and I remain wary of him. However, now my daughter has asked if they can come to stay with us again, but only for a week. I don’t want to say no or upset her, but I really don’t want them here. My husband is absolutely against the idea.
A Sadly, your daughter’s boyfriend sounds less than ideal. That you remain ‘wary’ of him suggests that he has a temper. Moreover, his comment about not wanting to be told off ‘like a child’ is, ironically, very immature. You offered them both your home when they were in need and you made a reasonable request to treat it, and you, with respect. You say your approach was polite, so he had no right to react in such a manner.
I understand you not wanting the situation to sour again, while also supporting your daughter. Perhaps the best way to protect the relationship with her is to tell her you love her dearly and are pleased that you have all put the previous incident behind you, but that you don’t want to risk things going wrong again. Do you have the financial means to offer to help with a B&B for a week instead?
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
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