DEAR JANE: I am refusing to make my sister a bridesmaid because I know she will ruin my wedding – how do I tell her without starting an ugly feud?

Dear Jane,

I’m getting married next June! I still can’t quite believe it.

And contrary to what everyone has told me, the wedding planning has actually been pretty easy so far.

Except for one really somewhat topic: my bridesmaids.

I’ve had four of my bridesmaids locked in since we were in middle school. We’ve been friends for years, we’re super close, and it was always obvious to me that they’d be standing with me when I eventually got married.

Then I have a cousin who is like a best friend to me, so she was another obvious choice.

But my fiancé is having six groomsmen and we’d ideally like to have an even number, which is where things get a bit weird. I have an older sister so I think most people assumed she’d be my sixth pick – including her.

I, on the other hand, can’t think of anything worse than having her in my bridal party.

She’s always been a pessimist about everything. And while I’ve been planning the wedding, she’s been harping on about every negative thing she can. The flowers are too expensive, having two dresses is stupid, my choice of venue is too over-the-top, blah blah blah.

The insane thing is, she seems to think these interjections are actually helpful to me. She keeps telling me how much she’s enjoyed ‘helping with the plans’ and she’s asked several times when I’m going to tell ‘the rest’ of my bridesmaids that they’re in my bridal party.

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So now I’m stuck in that really awkward position of wanting to ask someone else, but not knowing how to tell her she’s not… wanted. 

Obviously she’ll be invited on the day, I just can’t stand the idea of having her around me as I get ready, no doubt telling me how awful everything is.

How do I let her down firmly but gently?

From,

Wedding Panic

Dear Wedding Panic,

First off, best wishes on your wedding – what an exciting thing to be able to organize, and I’m delighted that most of your plans are going so smoothly.

And, I know how upsetting it must be to have a sister who is always negative and critical, how toxic it can feel to have someone with such negative energy around on such a happy day.

I don’t think your sister should be in your wedding party. 

I recently had a birthday party and one of the guests walked in in a foul mood – she had got lost driving there and blamed us for bad directions, then complained about pretty much everything. I had a lovely time, but for the fact that every time I looked over, I saw this woman gesticulating furiously to whoever she was talking to. 

I’m not going to deny that it definitely slightly ruined the party for me.

This is your wedding. You get to decide. You don’t have to say she’s not wanted, you just have to say thank you but you have already chosen your bridesmaids. 

If she pushes, you can always say that you have been upset by her constant criticism, but honestly, I’m inclined to suggest that you keep it simple and just say you have already invited other people.

Wishing you much luck!