DEAR JANE: I’ve discovered my partner’s Pornhub search history. It’s made me hate my body

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I met on a dating app soon after he’d just called it quits with another girl. But we got along straight off the bat and quickly became exclusive.

Something that’s always made me a little insecure, however, is how different his ex-girlfriend looks compared to me. 

She is petite, with blonde hair and massive boobs – whereas I am brunette, on the taller side… and totally flat-chested.

My lack of boobs has been a point of insecurity ever since I was a teenager. When I was in middle school and my friends started wearing bras, I was desperate for the day to come when I suddenly had breasts. But that day never came. Now I’m 26 and still flat-chested.

My boyfriend always tells me how gorgeous I am and says he loves my body… but a few days ago I discovered something that has made me re-think everything.

While he was in the shower, I innocently went on his phone to look something up (my phone was downstairs charging). I know his passwords and he knows mine — we both have nothing to hide… or so I thought.

When I opened up the internet browser app on his phone, Pornhub popped up. I was a little taken aback, but not overly surprised. All boys watch porn, right?

I’ve discovered my partner’s Pornhub search history. It’s made me hate my body.

Curiosity overcame me and I decided to look at his search history. I wish I hadn’t. 

All of the searches included the words ‘big boobs’. I choked back tears and put his phone back where I found it.

When he got out of the shower I pretended everything was normal, but ever since my discovery I have felt so insecure. I am even avoiding sex because I fear I would be self-conscious about my lack of boobs. And I can’t help but wonder if he is picturing other girls when we are intimate — maybe he is even thinking about his ex, who is very blessed in the chest department.

I have spent over a decade trying to build up body confidence, and I feel like I’m suddenly back to square one. I have a good amount of money in savings and I’m wondering if I should get a boob job, to make my boyfriend happy and to eliminate my body issues once and for all. Should I do it?

From,

Porn This Way

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Porn This Way,

Let me start by saying: NO, you should not get a boob job to make your boyfriend happy. 

What’s more, I actually see no indication that he’s unhappy with how you look. 

He has told you repeatedly that you are gorgeous, and he has never outwardly complained about your smaller chest.

You need to understand that having a predilection for something, whether it’s big boobs or anything else, is very different from falling in love with someone. 

When we fall in love, we’re falling in love with the person, not the size of a body part.

Whilst we may find something particularly attractive, that something isn’t crucially relevant to the person we end up falling for.

For example, girls might find it attractive when boys have tattoos, but would that be a non-negotiable when choosing a partner? Hopefully not. 

Likewise, how superficial would your boyfriend be if he only chose women because they had big breasts!

I also want to warn you that looking at anyone’s search history is not a wise thing to do. 

We inevitably find things we do not understand because they come with no context. And it’s not like you can ever ask for an explanation because the snooping was wrong in the first place.

So, setting aside your boyfriend’s search habits entirely… if — and only if — you alone continue to worry about the size of your breasts, there is no reason why you should not consult with a surgeon about an enlargement. 

A consultation does not mean you have to go ahead with a surgery, you are simply informing yourself of all the options.

If you do decide to go under the knife, it must only be because you genuinely believe it will make you happier.

Dear Jane,

I’ve been in a relationship for a few months and – so far – everything has been great. But something has come up and I can’t tell if it is a red flag, or if I’m just overreacting.

You see, I work long hours for a law firm in New York City and have barely any spare time. All my free moments nowadays are spent with my girlfriend.

I have no time to clean my apartment or do tasks like laundry. So for the past few years, I’ve had a housekeeper who comes by twice a week to do chores. I never felt the need to disclose this to my girlfriend – it just never came up.

But a few days ago, my girlfriend slept over and hung around my apartment after I left for the office.

I completely forgot it was one of the days my cleaning lady was coming and didn’t warn my girlfriend.

All of a sudden, I am getting spammed at work with texts saying ‘how could you not tell me you have a HOT maid???’.

Now that I think about it, my housekeeper is attractive. She is in her early 20s and is very pretty, but I honestly never looked at her that way because she works for me, and I barely see her.

My girlfriend is furious that I kept this from her, and she’s convinced I didn’t tell her because I have a crush on my housekeeper. She is even demanding that I fire her and find someone else — someone ‘less attractive’ and ‘older’.

Frankly, I think she is being crazy. My current housekeeper is amazing at her job and she knows the ins and outs of what needs to be done in my apartment. Plus, she’s lovely and I would feel awful firing her out of the blue. But my girlfriend is threatening not to speak to me until I do.

Should I pretend to fire her and just make sure they never cross paths again, or shall I put my foot down – potentially at the cost of my relationship?

From,

Maidly In Love

JANE’S SUNDAY SERVICE

All relationships require time and effort, but even so, not all relationships will go the distance.

Lust is not enough, nor is friendship.

We need a deep understanding of ourselves, of what we deserve and of how we would like to be treated. 

However much you may care for someone, when you see red flags you should always trust your intuition and recognize that you deserve better.

Dear Maidly In Love,

You are absolutely right in thinking this is a red flag. It’s a rather major one in my books.

It would be one thing if your girlfriend made a comment about how pretty your housekeeper is, and then let it go. But her overreaction is telling, and suggests she has major jealousy issues.

The fact she’s threatened by the mere presence of an attractive woman who you don’t even see very much is bad enough. That she is now demanding you fire her indicates a woman with serious insecurities. 

I fear this is only the beginning of the demands she is likely to make.

What will happen if you go to a party with her and find yourself chatting with someone attractive? Will she interject and demand you walk away?

Or what if there’s a gorgeous woman sitting nearby on an airplane? Will she make you change seats?

As the great Maya Angelou once said, ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’ 

A woman who is confident has no problem with other women; they do not feel threatened by them, nor are they worried that their boyfriends will choose someone else over them based purely on looks.

As hard as this may be to hear, your girlfriend is not going to be the right partner for you, or anyone else for that matter. Not until she has done enough work on herself to stop feeling threatened every time an attractive woman walks in the room. 

I feel tremendous compassion for your girlfriend. It’s no fun going through life feeling the way she feels. 

But, as they say, hurt people hurt people.

She is hurting you already by not speaking to you unless you do as she demands. Get out now, before she has the opportunity to cause further pain.

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