DEAR JANE: My wife says she’s ‘too old’ to do what I want in bed… how can I change her mind?

Dear Jane,

I’ve recently been facing issues with my wife in the bedroom.

For reference, I am in my mid-80s and my wife is 10 years younger. We’ve been together almost six decades and, most of that time, our sex life has managed to stay exciting.

About a year ago, however, my wife decided unilaterally that she was ‘too old for sex’. This came as a complete shock to me, as things had been very normal up until she made this decision. I asked her what prompted the sudden change of heart and she simply said she didn’t feel up for it anymore.

We have been living without sex ever since. No exceptions.

This has been extremely frustrating for me, as I still have a high sex drive and very much enjoyed our sex life.

I’m wondering how common this feeling is for women of her age and whether there is anything I might be able to do or say to change her opinion?

I am desperate to reinvigorate our sex life again.

From,

Dry Spell

Dear Dry Spell,

First of all I have to reassure you by telling you that it is incredibly common for women to find their libido’s disappearing as they age, with many finding that happening around menopause – congratulations on maintaining such a healthy sex life for so long.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

There can often be psychological issues behind suddenly not wanting sex, as well as physical issues that may be affecting the libido.

But the psychological issues are the ones that need dealing with immediately. If women carry suppressed resentments or anger, if they are suffering from depression, if they are tired, it will always show in their sex drive.

It can be very hard to be honest with your partner without professional help. Being able to talk honestly and without judgment most often happens in therapy rooms. I hate recommending this to you in your eighties, but I do think it’s vital you first find out exactly how your wife feels about sex, and why, and whether there is something in your marriage that needs to be addressed, that you may be entirely oblivious of.

After that, a visit to your doctor should be the first step in looking at ways that may enhance the libido.

Dear Jane, 

Recently, a dear cousin of mine came to my house for dinner with his wife of a few years.

It came up in conversation that she was in the process of getting her massage therapist certification and that she has to bank a certain number of practice hours.

She then asked if I would be interested in getting a massage as part of that – free of charge. So, of course, I said yes.

We agreed on a time to meet later that week, with her coming to my house for the treatment.

During the massage, things took a turn. At a certain point her hand suddenly went somewhere it did not belong. I thought at first she had made a mistake – but then it happened again and for longer. It was clear that this was not a mistake.

I quickly made up an excuse, saying that I needed to check my phone to see if one of my children had called, before wrapping myself up in a towel and leaving the room. It was extremely embarrassing and awkward.

However, she was clearly unfazed – and has reached out about performing another massage.

I have ignored her as best I can. But I am now going to see her and my cousin again next week at a family event and I don’t know what to do.

If she asks me about organizing another session in person, it will be unimaginably uncomfortable.

How can I make it clear to her that I do not want another massage without creating an even more awkward situation?

Thank you,

Hands Off

Dear Hands Off,

As a consummate people-pleaser who hates confrontation, I know how difficult this will be for you to handle, however, handle it you must.

Take the wife aside and tell her that although you enjoyed much of the massage, there were some times when her touch made you uncomfortable, and whether it was intentional or unintentional, you’re happier going to see someone you don’t know in future.

There should be little for her to say. You have given her the ‘out’ of it perhaps being unintentional, and have set a clear boundary for the future, which should not in any way impact your social relationship with her, or your cousin.