Does sleeping in separate beds mean the end of sex? Quite the opposite, says TRACEY COX

Getting a ‘sleep divorce’ – choosing to sleep apart – is widely considered a sign of a loveless or sexless relationship.

The reality is, sleeping in separate beds could significantly improve your sex and love life.

Around 25 per cent of all US couples sleep in separate bedrooms and four in ten UK couples now sleep apart most nights.

Of those, 38% said sleeping apart improved their relationship overall because 34% had better quality sleep and more of it.

Research shows that when you’re well rested, you communicate better, are happier, more empathetic and appear more attractive and funnier.

UK sex expert Tracey Cox says that despite the stigma around sleeping separately, choosing to sleep in separate beds could actually improve your love and sex life dramatically. Stock photo used

Getting a good night’s sleep is particularly important for women: other research suggests it increases sexual desire and pleasure because it lowers stress and improves mood.

No-one wants sex when they’re tired

Science tells us when sleep is measured objectively, people sleep far better alone.

Tracey Cox (pictured) says separate beds doesn’t work for every couple though

But when asked, most people will still say they prefer to sleep with their partner. They like the closeness and security sleeping together provides – even if it does come at a cost.

Be warned, though: that cost can be high. Sleepless nights are dangerous to your relationship.

Mismatched sleepers – like a night owl matched with an early morning lark – have lowers levels of relationship satisfaction, more conflict and less sex.

People who have their sleep directly disrupted by a partner – snoring, restlessness, hogging the covers – report feeling angry and resentful for hours after waking.

Logically, you realise it’s not your partner’s fault, but brains deprived of sleep don’t tend to behave logically.

If ‘sleep fights’ are ruining your relationship, a sleep divorce could save it not harm it.

Here’s all you need to decide if it would work for you.

WE’VE HAD MORE AND BETTER SEX SINCE SLEEPING APART

Lucy, 29, and Richard, 31 have been together six years and sleeping apart for the last five.

‘People jump to conclusions when they know you sleep separately. A friend saw the ‘spare bedroom’ had been slept in and asked if everything was alright. When I told her I slept there every night and our relationship had never been better, she looked shocked.

I know her partner snores and suggested they also give it a go. Her answer was that she wouldn’t trust her husband to sleep alone. ‘God knows what he’d get up to in there on his own,’ she said. ‘There would be a hell of a lot of porn watched and masturbating done!’

My husband and I have a lot in common but have opposite sleeping personalities. He’s likes going to bed at 11pm; I vary dramatically depending on what I’ve done and when I got up.

He’ll read for a bit, then want the lights off. Night time is when I like to catch up on my socials and make phone calls (my family are night owls as well). My energy level is at its highest between 8pm and 11pm.

WOULD SEPARATE BEDS WORK FOR YOU?

If either of you aren’t sleeping because of the other’s sleep habits, the answer is nearly always yes. But there is always a downside…

THE PROS:

You’ll avoid the morning arguments. If you are the person lying awake while your partner sleeps, watching them wake up happy and rested is like waving a red rag to a bull. It’s not so pleasant on the other side either: opening your eyes to see your partner glaring at you, haggard and angry, isn’t the best start to the day.

Sleep positively impacts desire: Research shows the better you’ve slept the night before, the more likely you are to want sex with your partner that day.

A sleep divorce makes sex less available – and this is a good thing. You can’t just roll over on a whim, give a hopeful nudge and have sex. Availability makes people want things less, not more.

You get to miss each other. Even if you like sleeping separately, most miss having their partner sleeping beside them. It makes you appreciate their company more during the day, making you more physically affectionate.

You’re healthier. Having regular quality sleep and lots of it has a positive impact on your health. You wake up rested and refreshed, are more likely to exercise and less likely to reach for junk food to give you energy.

THE CONS:

Sharing a bed makes us feel safe at night. Who isn’t pleased to have their partner near when they wake up from a nightmare? There’s a lot of comfort and security gained by having your partner by your side.

You really need two bedrooms. Yes, one can sleep on the sofa bed, but it’s not as comfortable and you’re likely to feel resentful of the person who gets to stay in the bedroom.

It can make you feel anxious. Something’s wrong if you’re sleeping together and not old, right? This isn’t true but if you honestly believe it, sleeping apart can give you even more sleepless nights.

If you’re in a sexless relationship, it could make things worse. Fine if you’re both happy not having sex but if one isn’t, sleeping apart psychologically sounds the death knell for them. The person who wants sex but isn’t getting any, feels it’s never going to happen.

Sleeping separately can reduce spontaneous sex opportunities. Twenty-four percent of 2000 adults surveyed said they had sex less frequently because impulse sex – wanting to have sex simply because you’re in bed and both naked – doesn’t happen.

At the start, we’d try to accommodate the other but, for me, that meant trying to sleep way earlier than I wanted to and lying in bed, eyes wide open, listening to him snore. I felt resentful and he was woken up by my constant fidgeting.

It made us both really irritated with each other to the point where I worried we weren’t compatible. Not sleeping well brought out the worst in both of us. We argued a lot and our sex life took a dive as well.

I’d suggested that I sleep in the spare room a few times, but he wasn’t happy about it. He said it wasn’t ‘natural’. But one night, I just did it. I woke the next day – late – feeling great but guilty and walked into the kitchen not knowing what response I’d get.

He’d also had a great night’s sleep and begrudgingly admitted it wasn’t such a bad idea to do it ‘now and then’. Within a month, we were sleeping apart every night – and we’ve never looked back.

I found it tremendously liberating not to have to change my sleep personality to fit in with someone else. I respected him for accepting that it didn’t matter that we were different.

HOW TO MAKE IT WORK

Thinking of getting a sleep divorce? Read this before heading down the hall, pillow in hand.

Your relationship needs to be in decent shape. You need a strong emotional connection for this to work and feel secure that your partner loves you. Knowing how to negotiate differences and find compromises, day and night, also helps.

There’s an element of trust involved as well: if you think they might play away, it leaves them with the perfect opportunity for late night sexting.

Sex must become high priority. If you had sex on impulse and always at night, you need to come up with another time that suits. Some couples go to bed together, have sex, then separate to sleep. Others have morning sex or afternoon sex. Regardless, sex is less likely to just happen and needs a bit of planning.

Sex might feel different. The sex you have when you both fall into bed together drunk is different than the sex you have mid-afternoon or in the morning. For lots, it’s better. The earlier in the day, the less likely erection issues are (less stress, less drinking). Orgasms feel more intense when you’re energised rather than exhausted.

Be playful. Invite each other into each other’s room for a quickie…sneak in uninvited as well. Each of you should feel welcome in each other’s space: if you feel like you’re intruding, you’re in trouble.

Do things other than sleep in bed. Read together, have a coffee or snack, have a chat, watch something. Cuddle naked to get the skin-to-skin contact couples need to stay bonded.

Go Scandi. Some European hotels – particularly those in Scandinavia – provide two beds pushed together, each with a separate blanket, rather than one big bed. This solves the hogging of the bedclothes issue (though doesn’t do much to solve snoring).

Be flexible. Some couples sleep apart during the week and together on weekends, when it doesn’t matter what time they get up. If you’re feeling upset by something, the need to have your partner close might outweigh the sleep benefits.

Ignore the judgers. Sleeping together doesn’t guarantee a good relationship and sleeping apart doesn’t mean you don’t love or desire your partner. There are plenty of miserable couples who share beds – and lots who’d be a lot less miserable if they didn’t.

It made us both think about our relationship and how important our time together is. We naturally fell into a rhythm where I’d come to bed with him and read or scroll while he read, then leave for my own room when he wanted to sleep.

In the mornings, he comes in with a cup of coffee when I’m ready to get up and gets in with me to chat or have sex. Nearly all our sex is now morning sex which suits both of us because he drinks and that affects his erection at night.

I prefer morning sex because my orgasms feel more intense. We have a lot more sex now than when we slept in the same bed and it’s better sex.

There’s a lot of shame around sleeping apart but there shouldn’t be. Far from making us feel distant, it brought up closer and we’ve stayed that way.’

OUR SLEEP DIVORCE LED TO A REAL ONE

Harriet, 43, and Dario, 45, were married for four years and have two children but are now separated and divorcing.

‘Sleeping in different bedrooms was the kiss of death for our relationship – though I admit we’d been struggling for a while before that happened.

His job involves dealing with the US markets, so he starts work late and often works until 2am. I have a day job and look after our children. I’m exhausted by 9pm and ready for bed.

Sleeping in the same bed with him was a nightmare. He talks in his sleep, hogs the covers, kicks, snores and sleeps sprawled across the bed. He drinks and smokes and this contributes to the snoring which makes me feel even angrier and more resentful because it’s his fault.

After two years of this, we finally accepted sleeping separately was the only solution. We both slept way better but the divide between us grew. We fixed the sleeping problem but didn’t tackle our relationship problems: that was the big mistake.

Sex was never that frequent because we had kids so quickly, but it become non-existent after that.

I think it’s fine to sleep separately if you’re happy and in love and still having sex. If you’re having issues and not communicating well and feel insecure in your marriage, it just makes things worse.

Even if you’re arguing and not having sex, just having someone’s body lying next to yours is comforting.

Sometimes, I’d wake up and spoon him while he slept. I don’t think he ever noticed but it gave me some comfort during those low points and it was better than nothing at all.’

Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, books, podcast and details of her two Tracey Cox product ranges with Lovehoney

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