Selfishness is generally regarded as a really bad trait, alongside greed, dishonesty, narcissism and the like.
However, in today’s fast paced social landscape and the demands that the festive season puts upon us, many of us will be left stressed out, burnt out, and even out of pocket as we rush around trying to see and please everyone.
And experts have now revealed how ‘health selfishness’ could actually provide a positive framework for many.
Priory psychotherapist and therapy director Debbie Longsdale told FEMAIL: ‘It’s working out how you function at your best. Once you are doing that, everything follows.’
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Experts have revealed how ‘healthy selfishness’ could help to combat burnout and stress (stock image)
Meanwhile the American psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman defined ‘healthy selfishness’ as ‘having a healthy respect for your own health, growth, happiness, joy and freedom.’
He also emphasised that these things are important to our mental wellbeing and day-to-day lives.
Debbie added: ‘It’s about not getting constantly lost in a thick undergrowth of tasks that end up overwhelming you.
Jess Baker, psychologist and author of The Super-Helper Syndrome reiterated this by saying that there are times when we need to be selfish, especially if we are exhausted from doing things for others.
She said: ‘It can be healthy to be selfish for as long as it takes to get yourself back on your feet.’
The experts went on to reveal the different ways in which you can put yourself first:
KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES
Scott explained that it’s important to put boundaries around yourself so people don’t take advantage.
He said that by focusing on your own needs, you can help others too.
Debbie reveald: ‘This is about bringing your best self to the table – and you simply can’t do that without boundaries.
‘Learn to say ‘no’. All of us know our strengths, weaknesses, and capacity levels.
‘Do you need to say no to your daughter or son when they ask you again if you would just mind babysitting or child-minding this weekend? Say it.
‘Do you want to have the time to go on that walk or read that newspaper on your own with a cup of tea, or see that play? Do it.
‘Whatever they are, boundaries need to be in place. Many of us lose our boundaries, whether they are related to time, money, space, to significant personal detriment.’
Meanwhile chartered psychologist Dr Meg Arroll said while it can take a bit of practice to develop healthy boundaries, it starts by recognising when a situation, relationship or expectation is draining you.
STOP SUPPRESSING EMOTIONS
The experts said if we suppress thoughts and emotions, they have a tendency to come back with a vengeance; and we find it difficult to reason with friends and family.
It is important to take time process your thoughts and understand how you can handle them.
Debbie suggested stepping back to re-evaluate your time and priorities to make them clear in your mind.
She said you need to express how you are feeling, but not in the heat of the moment, as you need to be able to articulate clearly what you are thinking and look for empathy.
She said: ‘You might be surprised that your partner and loved ones have similar emotions, or would like to express theirs, and you can work out a compromise. And stop the guilt.
‘None of us should feel guilty if we are doing the best we can, in the best way we know how.’
Psychologist Jess explained that it can be hard for people to keep boundaries if they don’t know what they are, so communicate your needs clearly.
She said: ‘When people are demanding too much of you, you have the right to say no.
‘Or if that’s too difficult, use tactics like buying time (e.g. I need to get back to you) or pointing them to someone else who could help instead.’
DON’T DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR YOUR HAPPINESS
Ultimately you need to responsible for your own happiness and when the pressures from other people get too much you must step back.
Debbie said: ‘Learning to enjoy time on your own is one of the most important lessons we can learn.
‘You might find this time when you are wandering around a store, or in a coffee shop, or in your garden.
‘It might be when you are listening to music or exercising or walking the dog. Find your sweet spot and relish it.
‘It will do more for your physical and mental health than you can possibly imagine.’
She suggested avoiding the temptation to dwell excessively on past events, or trying to predict the future.
According to Debbie, breathing exercises, mindfulness and meditation can help with this.
She advised focusing on things that are within your immediate control as well as keeping a routine and structure can help to boost your wellbeing.
Notice when you are becoming preoccupied with negative thinking and on a downward spiral.
She suggested: ‘Use simple techniques to reframe your thinking by recognising these thoughts, challenging them and replacing them with others.
‘Some refer to this as ‘catch it, check it and change it’. And importantly, avoid social media feeds.’
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