Memories return to torture Sophie Beresford, fragments of insight into a night that otherwise remains terrifyingly blank. She recalls cash being waved at the taxi driver and seeing her dog as she and her date returned to the flat where she lived alone.
She remembers a man lying naked on top of her; and waking without clothes the next morning, her pink dress discarded on the floor.
Only days later did it sink in that the two glasses of red wine she’d had that evening were nowhere near enough to make her black out — and that the man had probably drugged her drink before raping her.
Three years on, the legacy of her ordeal lives on. ‘The more time passed, the worse I felt,’ says Sophie, 35, an artist now living in Norwich. ‘I left London, where it happened, because I didn’t feel safe. I felt depressed, anxious and worthless.’
She had met the man on Tinder, the dating app that uses smartphone GPS to allow members living near each other to swipe the screen to say if they are attracted. If they are, they ‘match’ and can meet.
‘There is no accountability when you’ve met on Tinder,’ says Sophie. ‘If you treat someone badly, you have no friend or colleague in common. There’s no comeback.’
According to research, 618,000 women in England and Wales were sexually assaulted in the year to March 2020.
Number of people who reported they had been raped on a first date with someone they met on a dating app had risen sixfold from 2011 to 2016
In 2016 it was revealed the number of people who reported they had been raped on a first date with someone they met on a dating app had risen sixfold in five years, according to the National Crime Agency (NCA). However, the NCA said the true figure may be ten times higher, as rape is under-reported.
Last month, Bumble announced it would offer free online therapy to users who report an act of sexual violence by someone they have met on its dating app. From later this year, members will receive a code to access live video sessions with a therapist.
The decision is well intentioned — but shouldn’t such companies be doing more to stop women being sexually assaulted in the first place?
‘Lots of women who are raped feel on some level guilty,’ says psychologist and trauma specialist Dr Lori Bisbey.
‘But women who have met someone on a dating app see the app as going through a form of selection procedure. Female users think they have vetted the person — and then take responsibility for what happens.’
Yet anyone can hide their intentions and identity online. Tinder requires no proof that those signing up give their real name, date of birth or profile picture. And the swiping mechanism arguably ‘gamifies’ the dating process, speeding up decisions and giving the same rush of dopamine — the ‘pleasure hormone’ — that social media and games apps provide.
Vicky Saynor found herself reporting a man she met on Match who drugged her and left her naked in a hotel room
‘On a dating website, people tend to spend longer choosing a date than on an app — it’s not “swipe left or swipe right”,’ says Dr Bisbey. ‘Apps are deceptive. People think they have more information than they do.’
Sophie joined Tinder in 2018, providing pictures of herself alongside a brief biography that said she liked sport, reading and dogs.
She was deluged with messages, some boring, others from ‘guys who treated me like a pizza delivery, immediately asking if I was free to come over,’ she says. ‘But with Zachary there was a rapport.’
After two weeks of messaging, she met Zachary — 32, blond, working in finance — at a London pub. Although he ‘seemed fun’, she says, ‘he asked if I lived alone and if I was close to my neighbours. Looking back, he wanted to know I didn’t have a support system around me.’
Sophie had just returned from the toilet to sip her second glass of wine when suddenly she felt incredibly drunk, then everything went blank.
‘I don’t remember leaving the pub, but I remember he had money to give to the taxi driver, as if he planned it,’ says Sophie, a quietly spoken, moderate drinker who hasn’t blacked out from alcohol before or since.
‘I have a memory of him on top of me — but how can I have consented to sex when I was so out of it?’
The next morning, both woke up naked before ‘he made his excuses and left’. She continues: ‘I had a horrible, creepy feeling — did he have sex with me while I was asleep?’
Later that day, Zachary messaged her ‘I hope you had a good night’, adding an emoji face with teeth bared.
They didn’t speak again — and as days passed, the gnawing feeling grew that she hadn’t consented to sex and her drink had been spiked.
‘I didn’t have any evidence to show Tinder or go to the police with,’ says Sophie. ‘My self-esteem took a battering. I felt worthless.’
Tinder does offer all users the option to ‘verify’ their profiles with a blue checkmark, using facial recognition software to confirm that the person in the photo is genuine. Last month, it announced plans to make wider, voluntary ID verification available.
There is no requirement for dating apps to vet their members for criminal records. But in March, Match Group — which owns apps including Tinder, Match and Plenty Of Fish — announced it was partnering with background check platform Garbo to provide users with paid access to Garbo’s services, which give information about other members such as previous arrests and restraining orders. The service will be piloted in America later this year.
Vicky had been single for 18 months, with a baby, when she downloaded the Match app in 2013. ‘I worked full-time and had limited childcare,’ she says. ‘I said I was a single mother looking for a serious relationship.’
Presumably, however, most of those paying for the service will be women — and why should they have to pay for male behaviour?
‘I think we should hand the responsibility for doing background checks back to the companies that own the dating apps,’ says psychotherapist Juliette Clancy, who works with ‘more and more’ clients who have been assaulted by men they met on these apps.
She adds: ‘Many who have tried to report it to apps have had no response or an automated one. They felt they were being brushed away.’
That is what newly divorced Vicky Saynor found after reporting a man she met on Match who drugged her and left her naked in a hotel room.
After a week of messaging, they met in a London bar for a drink. ‘He looked exactly like his profile picture, if not better. We talked a lot about work and children. There was chemistry,’ she recalls.
‘Match wrote back to the effect that if the police got involved, they would do something,’ recalls Vicky, 45, ‘but that otherwise it’s one person’s word against another’s.’
Vicky, who at the time had a small baby, had been single for 18 months when she downloaded the Match app in 2013.
‘I worked full-time and had limited childcare,’ she says. ‘I said I was a single mother looking for a serious relationship.’
After two months, Jack caught her attention. He claimed he was a separated father of two, in his late 30s like Vicky, who worked as a music producer. ‘He was good-looking and sounded like a good father,’ says Vicky, who now lives in Cottered, Herts. ‘He seemed to admire my independence.’
After a week of messaging, they met in a London bar for a drink. ‘He looked exactly like his profile picture, if not better. We talked a lot about work and children. There was chemistry,’ she recalls.
After they met for dinner the following Thursday, Vicky was halfway through a vodka martini when she went outside the restaurant for a cigarette: ‘I remember stumbling down the steps. Suddenly, I could barely see.’
The next thing she recalls is coming round briefly in the night, naked and cold. ‘Jack was sitting clothed on a chair, staring at me,’ she says. When she woke alone, still naked, the next morning, she realised she was in a hotel room.
For two days Vicky stayed in bed — her ex in charge of their baby — feeling sick and shaky. It was only after speaking to a friend that she realised her blackout was probably caused by a spiked drink. ‘I don’t think Jack raped me but I can’t say for sure,’ she says. Why did he get me undressed? Why was he sitting staring at me?’
‘I felt sick,’ she says. ‘I was ashamed and embarrassed. I was 37 — a mother with responsibilities — and thought I’d somehow got really drunk.’
She messaged Jack. ‘He said he’d had to go to work and that I’d got really drunk that night. He made me feel worse. We didn’t speak again.’
For two days Vicky stayed in bed — her ex in charge of their baby — feeling sick and shaky. It was only after speaking to a friend that she realised her blackout was probably caused by a spiked drink. ‘I don’t think Jack raped me but I can’t say for sure,’ she says. Why did he get me undressed? Why was he sitting staring at me?’ As well as reporting him to Match — now charging members from £9.99 a month — via their in-app contact form, Vicky called the police.
‘They asked why I hadn’t called sooner. They said they probably couldn’t do anything because I’d showered and any evidence of being drugged had probably passed through my body. I decided there was no point in pursuing it.’
For two days Vicky stayed in bed — her ex in charge of their baby — feeling sick and shaky. It was only after speaking to a friend that she realised her blackout was probably caused by a spiked drink. ‘I don’t think Jack raped me but I can’t say for sure,’ she says. Why did he get me undressed? Why was he sitting staring at me?’
Catherine Donoghue decided not to report the man she met on Plenty of Fish, either — even though he choked her nearly to the point where she thought she would suffocate.
‘If I could have put something on his profile to warn other women I would have — but of course it wasn’t possible,’ says Catherine, 52, an account manager and divorced mother of three adult children, who lives near Leeds and downloaded the app in 2018.
‘I said I wanted to meet someone my age, living within a five-mile vicinity,’ she says.
I blacked out, then awoke naked and cold …he was sitting, staring at me
She had three uneventful coffee dates, then Paul made contact: ‘He sounded intelligent, worked with animals and was attractive.’
They messaged for two weeks, spoke on the phone, then met in a bar, where the first thing he said to Catherine, who was wearing a floral dress, was: ‘If you always dress like that, we’ll have no problems.’ She recalls: ‘I was thrown.’
Looking back, there were other signs of Paul’s compulsion to control. ‘On our third date, he hired out a whole restaurant for us,’ she says. ‘I was mortified but I put it down to him trying too hard to impress.’
In other ways, he was a gentle, doting partner, offering to take Catherine’s dog for a walk and buying her flowers: ‘He didn’t raise his voice. He didn’t swear.’
They dated for three months and were having sex in her bed when Paul tried to choke her.
‘He put his hands round my neck and squeezed. I put everything into fighting him off but he was on top and bigger. I began to black out.’
She was getting ever weaker when he stopped. ‘I sat up, coughing, and asked what the hell just happened,’ she says. ‘He started shaking and apologised but said “you bring this out in me”.’
Catherine decided it would be safer to let Paul stay than try to force him to leave. ‘I lay awake all night, terrified,’ she says.
For two days, she ignored his texts and voicemails before texting to tell him to leave her alone. ‘I said “You could have killed me. Don’t contact me again”,’ she recalls.
And that was when, as she puts it, Paul ‘got really nasty’.
She explains: ‘He said he’d set up his phone next to the bed and recorded everything we’d done “as insurance”. He said if I went to the police, he’d send the video to my friends and family. I said I didn’t believe him. He asked if I was willing to risk it.’
The threat was made before blackmailing someone with the threat of sharing sexual images was made illegal this year — and Catherine says: ‘The thought of my children seeing me in a compromising position was horrifying. I just wanted to forget it.’
Catherine has been too traumatised to date anyone else.
A spokesperson for Match Group told the Mail: ‘Violent offenders have no place in our physical or online communities; we act on every report received, and remove and block anyone suspected of this behaviour from all our platforms.
‘We utilise industry-leading technologies and support legislation across the world that promotes safety. We are outraged that singles may experience fear, discomfort or worse when looking to meet someone special.’
- Some names and details have been changed.
- For help and support, visit rapecrisis.org.uk or call their helpline on 0808 802 9999.