FLOURISHING AFTER 50: Help! My husband’s family always expects us to put on a lavish Christmas lunch without paying for anything – and I’m sick of it

Dear Vanessa, 

Every year, my husband’s family invites themselves over for Christmas, and it’s always the same story – they turn up, we host, and somehow, we foot the bill for everything. From the turkey to the champagne, it’s all on us.

I wouldn’t mind if it was just a one-off or if they offered to contribute, but this has been going on for years. The unspoken assumption is that because we’re perceived to have more money, we can afford to do it all. My husband insists we can’t let them down, and I don’t want to cause conflict or embarrass him, but I’m starting to feel used.

How can I make this arrangement feel fairer without offending anyone or putting my husband in an awkward position?

Yours,

Exhausted Elf.

Dear Exahusted Elf, 

I completely understand why this situation has left you feeling frustrated. It’s not just the financial strain – it’s the emotional weight of feeling like you’re being taken for granted. But rest assured, you’re not alone. Many people find family dynamics around the holidays a tricky balancing act.

The key here is to approach the situation with honesty and kindess. A great starting point is to gently share your feelings with your husband. Timing is everything – don’t wait until the heat of the holiday rush to bring it up. Instead, pick a calm moment well before Christmas to explain how this ongoing tradition has been making you feel.

Frame it as a team effort: ‘I love that we’re able to host your family, but I’m starting to feel the financial and emotional pressure of doing it all ourselves. How can we make it feel a little more balanced this year?’ This way, it’s not about blaming him or his family but about finding a solution together.

As for his family, here’s where subtlety can work wonders. Instead of asking outright for financial contributions, consider involving them in the preparation. You could suggest a potluck-style Christmas, where everyone brings a dish or contributes in other ways. For example: ‘We’re so excited to have you all over again this year! To make it extra special, we’d love for each family to bring their favourite holiday dish.’

If it’s not about food, you could ask someone to bring decorations, games, or even a bottle of wine. By giving them a role, you’re shifting the dynamic without making anyone feel singled out.

Another option is to subtly adjust expectations. Hosting doesn’t always have to mean extravagance. This year, you could simplify the celebrations or suggest an alternative, like a family picnic in a park or a rotating hosting arrangement. Sometimes, families just need a nudge to rethink old habits.

Finally, remember to set boundaries. It’s OK to say no or to change traditions if they’re no longer serving you. It doesn’t make you a bad host or a bad in-law; it makes you someone who values fairness and balance in relationships.

Good luck finding a middle ground that keeps the magic of Christmas alive without leaving you feeling drained—financially or emotionally.

Warm wishes,

Vanessa. 

Have a question about family, money, or big life decisions? Send it in to flourishingafter50@dailymail.com.au