Stuff turkey. Banish those bangers. And bid farewell to the Yuletide ham. Because this is the year, they say, that vegan goes mainstream. Will people really go the whole, um, hog and ban meat, dairy and fish from the Christmas table? To judge from the rows of supermarket chiller shelves packed with vegan offerings, the answer must be yes, for some of us at least.
It’s true that the horrors of intensive farming are a blight. Factory-farmed pigs and chickens live short, miserable lives in abject squalor. Profit, rather than welfare, is the main priority and the long-term cost of cheap meat is horribly expensive, both to our health and the good of the planet.
So if you do eat meat, buy from your butcher, buy British and buy the best you can afford.
Stuff turkey. Banish those bangers. And bid farewell to the Yuletide ham. Because this is the year, they say, that vegan goes mainstream, writes TOM PARKER BOWLES
As I’ve argued before in The Mail on Sunday, sustainably farmed beef and lamb can actually help the environment. Grassland absorbs carbon dioxide, reducing the amount of carbon released into the atmosphere. And two-thirds of the UK is still made up of grassland.
The idea that ‘plant-based’ is always healthier is not entirely true either. Some of the vegan meat ‘alternatives’ – a nefarious cocktail of resolutely unnatural starches, gums and additives – are every bit as processed as cheap ham or salami, while the production of many of these plant fats is just as environmentally dodgy as those vast and undoubtedly ruinous American cattle lots.
Balance, for me, is everything. And we should certainly be eating more fruit, vegetables, pulses and nuts. A ripe tomato salad lavished with good olive oil is every bit as thrilling as a fat sirloin steak.
As I’ve argued before in The Mail on Sunday, sustainably farmed beef and lamb can actually help the environment, writes TOM PARKER BOWLES
Pasta with garlic and chili, Indian daal, Japanese nasu dengaku (grilled aubergine), silken fresh tofu, fresh fried falafel stuffed into a warm pitta… the list of wonderful foods that also happen to be vegan goes on and on.
Of course, the retail giants have embraced this new trend – they always do – and have come up with a vast range of Christmas ‘vegan alternatives’ because even the most carnivorously minded may have to provide a dish or two for their vegan guest. It is Christmas, after all, and plain unbuttered sprouts are just plain unfair.
So to save you from the agony, I’ve taken one for the team and tested these new vegan ranges for myself. As ever, there’s the good, the bad and the plain ugly. And then there’s Tofurky. If you see this abomination on the festive table, run for your life.
To save you from the agony, I’ve taken one for the team and tested these new vegan ranges for myself, writes TOM PARKER BOWLES
Turkey alternatives
Sainsbury’s No Beef Wellington
£7 (serves three)
Po-faced, grim and dull, this has an odd, artificial flavour and all the edible appeal of wet cardboard. The pastry is turgid, the filling strange. Not so much Ho, Ho Ho as No, No, No.
Rating: 
Sainsbury’s No Beef Wellington: Po-faced, grim and dull, this has an odd, artificial flavour and all the edible appeal of wet cardboard
Waitrose & Partners Vegan Root en Croute
£5.99 for two
Now we’re talking. Decent, crisp puff pastry with vegetables that actually taste as they should. Well seasoned, and a good whack of smoked paprika. There’s texture and taste and general joy. I’d happily serve this up. And eat it too.
Rating: 
Waitrose & Partners Vegan Root en Croute: Now we’re talking. Decent, crisp puff pastry with vegetables that actually taste as they should
M&S Plant Kitchen Butternut, Almond and Pecan Nut Roast
£12 (serves four)
It looks quite attractive, but has an odd texture, is oversweet and doesn’t really taste of anything at all. It actually reminded me of cheap granola. Odd. If this looked at me in the street, I’d cross the road to avoid it.
Rating: 
M&S Plant Kitchen Butternut, Almond and Pecan Nut Roast: It looks quite attractive, but has an odd texture
M&S Plant Kitchen Root Vegetable Tarte Tatin
£10 (serves four)
Another really decent dish. Good caramelised pastry and lots of plump, just-tender vegetables. Well seasoned and it looks pretty too. I’d be happy to serve this up on the Christmas table and equally happy to eat it again.
Rating:
M&S Plant Kitchen Root Vegetable Tarte Tatin: Another really decent dish. Good caramelised pastry and lots of plump, just-tender vegetables
Tofurky Vegetarian Feast
£21.99 (serves six)
What fresh hell is this? Debased, debauched and utterly vile, this should be banished. And never, ever mentioned again. With its industrial-rubber texture and foul taste, it reminds me of grouting. Possibly the worse thing I have ever eaten. Makes raw tripe seem like caviar. Ban this sick filth. Go furky yourself.
Rating: 
Tofurky Vegetarian Feast: What fresh hell is this? Debased, debauched and utterly vile, this should be banished
SGAIA Foods Classic Sage and Onion Fillet
£16 (serves six to eight)
Tastes of sage and salt. Which is fine if you like salty, rubbery sage. But it’s so damned boring I’d forgotten I’d eaten it. Even while I was chewing it. As dreary as a Cliff Richard Christmas special. Best place for this is the bin.
Rating:
SGAIA Foods Classic Sage and Onion Fillet: Tastes of sage and salt. Which is fine if you like salty, rubbery sage
Meat-free trimmings
M&S Plant Kitchen No Pork Pigs in Duvets
£5 for 12
The pastry isn’t too bad. And if you close your eyes very tight, the filling could almost be pork. I’m not sure whether that’s the point, but despite being salty, these are eminently edible.
Rating: 
M&S Plant Kitchen No Pork Pigs in Duvets: The pastry isn’t too bad. And if you close your eyes very tight, the filling could almost be pork
Fortnum & Mason Mushroom Pate with Mixed Beans and Paprika
£8.95 for 110g
You can actually taste the real ingredients here. Lots of umami and a subtle paprika tang. This is real food. Hurray.
Rating:
Fortnum & Mason Mushroom Pate with Mixed Beans and Paprika: You can actually taste the real ingredients here
Aldi Vegan Stuffing Balls
£2.49 for 12
They may be a touch dry, but these aren’t bad at all. Lots of sage and onion and salt, but they were rather moreish. The spiced apple and ruby port version was OK too.
Rating:
Aldi Vegan Stuffing Balls: They may be a touch dry, but these aren’t bad at all. Lots of sage and onion and salt, but they were rather moreish
Tideford Organics Vegan Gravy with Red Miso
£2.59 for 600g
The miso gives this rather thick gloop some depth and flavour. And it taste like lentil soup without the lentils. With a few drops of Tabasco, this could be just about all right. Not a patch on the real thing, though.
Rating:
Tideford Organics Vegan Gravy with Red Miso: The miso gives this rather thick gloop some depth and flavour
Waitrose Vegan Original Soft Spreadable
£2.25 for 170g
The texture may be silken, but the taste is plain odd. Like wallpaper paste with a squeeze of lemon. This cheese alternative manages to be both bland and mildly offensive. Why, I ask you, why?
Rating:
Waitrose Vegan Original Soft Spreadable: The texture may be silken, but the taste is plain odd
Delicious desserts
Co-op Vegan Mince Pies
90p each
Cheap, over-sweet pastry that tastes artificial. And the filling is mean and drab. The Scrooge of mince pies.
Rating:
Co-op Vegan Mince Pies: Cheap, over-sweet pastry that tastes artificial. And the filling is mean and drab
Violife Epic Dairy-Free Festive Platter
£6.99
Oh God. This is an insult to real cheese. In fact, it’s an insult to that lurid, processed stuff that comes in squares from the corner shop. Available in three joyless varieties – plain rubber, smoked rubber and chilli rubber. This made me sad. Very sad indeed.
Rating:
Violife Epic Dairy-Free Festive Platter: Oh God. This is an insult to real cheese
M&S Plant Kitchen Chocolate and Cherry Dessert
£10 (serves six)
The cherry topping is great. Sharp and bracing. But the main chocolate bit is a little dull, with no depth whatsoever. Not a bad pudding, but not a great one either.
Rating:
M&S Plant Kitchen Chocolate and Cherry Dessert: The cherry topping is great. Sharp and bracing. But the main chocolate bit is a little dull, with no depth whatsoever
Booja Booja Vanilla Ice Cream
£5.99 for 500ml
Tastes very artificial. For a moment, I thought this was going to be all right. Then it simply disappeared in an opaque cloud of air and fakery.
Rating:
Booja Booja Vanilla Ice Cream: Tastes very artificial. For a moment, I thought this was going to be all right
Selfridges Vegan Figgy Pudding
£24.99 (serves eight)
Lots of fruit and booze and Christmas succulence. In fact, I could hardly tell the difference between this vegan version and the traditional recipe. Would happily eat this and I don’t even like Christmas pudding.
Rating:
Selfridges Vegan Figgy Pudding: Lots of fruit and booze and Christmas succulence
ASDA Alberto Nani Organic Prosecco
There’s even vegan prosecco
ASDA Alberto Nani Organic Prosecco
£9 for 75cl
It may come as a surprise but lot of alcohol isn’t actually vegan.
This is because animal by-products such as casein (from milk), albumen (egg), gelatine (pork) and isinglass (fish bladders) are used during the brewing process to remove impurities and improve taste and clarity.
So now even our festive tipples have had a vegan makeover.
This vegan prosecco tastes OK.
If you like prosecco. Which I don’t.
But I’m told by fellow tasters that it’s all right.
And perfectly drinkable.
So I’ll trust their opinion.
Rating:
Additional reporting: Saskia Hume