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Get ready to giggle with this latest extract from DAVID WALLIAMS’ new book The World’s Worst Parents

His riotously funny books make children — and adults — laugh out loud, and the latest will not disappoint. 

Out this week, The World’s Worst Parents by David Walliams features ten tales of spectacularly silly mums and daft dads. 

Here, in the second extract, we continue the story of Monty Monopolize, who gave his two sons a million-piece Bricko Earth set, but is hogging it all to himself. So will his sons and wife ever be able to get their own back?

It had taken from Christmas Day to Christmas Day.

An entire year!

The two boys could hardly contain their glee at what was about to come.

CLICK! CLICK…

‘One more piece to go! ME!’ announced Monty to himself, and then…

Silence.

CLICK! CLICK… ‘One more piece to go! ME!’ announced Monty to himself, and then…

‘Where is it? NO! This can’t be! There’s a piece missing!’

He called down to his sons, ‘HAVE YOU SEEN A Bricko PIECE ANYWHERE?’

‘NO!’ they chirped together. Moe still had the tiny piece hidden in his sweaty little hand. So, under Monty’s orders, the rest of the family began the hunt for the ‘missing’ Bricko piece.

‘UNDER THE RUG!’ Father called out from up his ladder.

They checked under the rug.

‘ON TOP OF THE BOOKSHELF!’

They checked on top of the bookshelf.

‘INSIDE THE CAT!’

Moira beamed from ear to ear, clearly delighted her sons were playing a trick on their annoying father. ‘What are you all conspiring about down there?’ demanded Monty. ‘NOTHING!’ lied the boys. Father didn’t believe them. He slid down his ladder

Moira beamed from ear to ear, clearly delighted her sons were playing a trick on their annoying father. ‘What are you all conspiring about down there?’ demanded Monty. ‘NOTHING!’ lied the boys. Father didn’t believe them. He slid down his ladder

They picked up Bricko the cat and shook her a little.

‘MIAOW!’

But, of course, there was no sign of it in her either.

Soon poor Mother looked exhausted, and Moe and Curly began to feel guilty that she’d been sent on this wild-goose chase.

‘PSST! MOTHER!’ whispered Moe. ‘Shush! Don’t tell Father, but look…’

The boy opened his hand to reveal the tiny Bricko Monty.

Moira beamed from ear to ear, clearly delighted her sons were playing a trick on their annoying father.

‘What are you all conspiring about down there?’ demanded Monty. ‘NOTHING!’ lied the boys.

Father didn’t believe them. He slid down his ladder.

WHIZZ!

‘You know where the final piece is, boys!’ he said accusingly when he reached the bottom. ‘No, we don’t!’ they replied.

‘HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS!’ he barked. Curly opened his hands. Nothing.

‘NOW YOU!’

Moe was sweating. He opened his left hand, keeping the other behind his back. Nothing.

Then he swapped the piece into the other hand behind his back and opened his right hand. Nothing.

‘Both at the same time!’ ordered Father.

The boy sighed. He looked to his mother, who nodded.

Reluctantly Moe opened his hand. There was the missing piece.

‘I knew it!’ exclaimed Monty. ‘We will have words, you and I! Wicked, wicked child! Now I will finish my masterpiece!’

Father went to snatch the last piece of plastic, but, just before he could, his wife picked it up, popped it in her mouth and swallowed.

GULP!

The boys burst out laughing.

‘Ha! Ha! Ha!’

‘REGURGITATE THAT Bricko PIECE AT ONCE!’ Monty boomed.

Mother shook her head as her sons took her by the hands.

‘COME ON, MUM! LET’S NOT LET HIM HAVE IT!’

Together the three raced up the ladder.

CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!

‘HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS!’ he barked. Curly opened his hands. Nothing. ‘NOW YOU!’ Moe was sweating. He opened his left hand, keeping the other behind his back. Nothing. Then he swapped the piece into the other hand behind his back and opened his right hand. Nothing

‘HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS!’ he barked. Curly opened his hands. Nothing. ‘NOW YOU!’ Moe was sweating. He opened his left hand, keeping the other behind his back. Nothing. Then he swapped the piece into the other hand behind his back and opened his right hand. Nothing

Monty charged up after them.

CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!

‘COME BACK THIS INSTANT!’ he shouted.

They were now at the very top of the wobbling ladder. The only way to get away from Monty was to run right across the Bricko Earth.

‘DON’T YOU DARE!’ bawled Monty.

‘STEP AWAY FROM MY CREATION!’

‘It was actually meant to be our present!’ shouted Curly. ‘Well, er, um, technically it is!’ blustered Father.

‘Then we can do what we like with it!’ replied Moe.

Still holding their mother’s hands, the three ran across the North Pole, doing their best to avoid the Bricko polar bears.

Monty jumped on to the Earth in pursuit. The weight of all four of them on the model made it rock out of its base.

T R U N D L E !

Suddenly the Monopolize family were running along the Earth as it rolled across the floor.

T R U N D L E !

T R U N D L E !

T R U N D L E !

It smashed through the back wall of the house…

crash!

…spun through the garden and

rolled over the garden shed, crushing it instantly.

crunch!

It was like being part of some kind of circus act, trying to stay upright on this giant globe. But, as fast as Monty went, he couldn’t catch up with his family. 

They ran down through Greenland, Scandinavia, Russia, China, India, Australia, New Zealand, until they hit the South Pole. Then they ran up through South America, America, Canada and back up to the North Pole again.

The Earth was rolling through garden fences…smash!

They ran down through Greenland, Scandinavia, Russia, China, India, Australia, New Zealand, until they hit the South Pole

They ran down through Greenland, Scandinavia, Russia, China, India, Australia, New Zealand, until they hit the South Pole

…demolishing walls…

boosh!

…even flattening houses.

CRUNDLE!

Soon the Monopolize family found themselves speeding down a steep hill. The Bricko Earth rolled faster and faster, and as it did so it began to rattle.

R I T T L E ! R A T T L E ! R U T T L E !

Soon, like all Bricko models, it began to come apart. Plastic bricks every colour of the rainbow showered all over the road.

C L U N K ! C L U N K ! C L U N K !

‘NOOOOO!’ screamed Monty.

‘JUMP!’ shouted Moe.

Still clasping his mother’s hand, he and Curly took their chances, and leaped off into a hedge.

RUSTLE!

RUSTLE!

RUSTLE!

Still Monty sped on down the hill, the bricks coming loose here, there and everywhere.

Then they ran up through South America, America, Canada and back up to the North Pole again. The Earth was rolling through garden fences...

Then they ran up through South America, America, Canada and back up to the North Pole again. The Earth was rolling through garden fences…

C L U N K ! C L U N K ! C L U N K !

A giant hole appeared on the surface of the Bricko Earth, through which Monty tumbled.

WHOOSH!

‘ARGH!’

Father was now inside the model of the Earth, being tossed around like a ball in a Bingo spinner.

D O O M P H !

D O O M P H !

D O O M P H !

Then the Bricko Earth smashed into a little car that was chugging up the road.

BANG!

‘WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH THAT PLANET!’ cried the man inside, a newsagent named Raj.

The model shot up over the car, high into the air…

WHOOSH!

…and began separating into hundreds of thousands of pieces.

C R A C K ! C R U C K ! C R I C K !

‘ARGH!’ cried Monty as he tumbled towards the ground.

WHOOSH!

BOOF!

Father hit the ground hard…

SPLAT!

…as an avalanche of plastic bricks landed on top of him…

C L I C K !

C L A C K !

C L U C K !

…burying him alive. His family ran over to him.

‘FATHER!’ shouted the boys. There was no answer.

WHOOSH! BOOF! Father hit the ground hard… SPLAT! …as an avalanche of plastic bricks landed on top of him

WHOOSH! BOOF! Father hit the ground hard… SPLAT! …as an avalanche of plastic bricks landed on top of him

Then Mother put her finger in her ear and began making bizarre honking noises. Her sons looked on in amazement as she began summoning something from the depths of her tummy.

‘HONK! HOO! HUH!’

Eventually the Bricko piece she had swallowed shot out of her mouth…

W H I Z Z !

…and landed in the palm of her hand.

TING!

She then picked up the tiny plastic model of her husband and dropped it on top of the mountain of Bricko pieces under which he was buried.

‘One more won’t hurt!’ she remarked. Moe and Curly laughed.

‘HA! HA!’

‘Father will be fine! He can dig his way out. So, shall we head home?’ she asked, taking her boys by their hands.

‘Mum?’ said Moe.

‘Yes?’

‘I don’t think we have a home any more.’

‘It’s been smashed to pieces!’ added Curly.

Taken from The World’s Worst Parents, the new book by David Walliams and illustrated by Tony Ross

Taken from The World’s Worst Parents, the new book by David Walliams and illustrated by Tony Ross

‘You are right — it has.’ The three thought for a moment.

‘I know!’ exclaimed Moe. ‘We can build a new one!’

‘OUT OF Bricko!’ added Curly. ‘PERFECT!’ agreed Mother.

Behind them, they failed to see Monty Monopolize’s hand emerge from the mountain of plastic bricks.

Father was alive!

Immediately Moe and Curly set to work.

They used all the Bricko bricks they had in order to build a whole new house.

The boys had oodles of fun, not following any boring booklets, but instead making it up as they went along.

So, if you ever pass by a crazy multicoloured castle made entirely of little plastic bricks, chances are it belongs to the Monopolize family.

Mother, Moe, Curly and Bricko the cat couldn’t be happier in their BONKERS new home.

You may even spot a tiny shed also made out of plastic bricks in the garden.

In case you were wondering, that is where Monty Monopolize now lives.

And the annoying father is only allowed two Bricko bricks to play with.

CLICK!

CLICK!

Taken from The World’s Worst Parents, the new book by David Walliams and illustrated by Tony Ross. Published on July 2, 2020, by HarperCollins Children’s Books, £14.99 hardback.

© David Walliams 2020; illustrations © Tony Ross 2020. 

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