Get Hollywood on the phone – their latest blockbuster script is ready and written; the story of Harlequins, the great tricksters of the Premiership, winning the title in extraordinary style.
No coach, no hope in January, and now look at them.
They beat Exeter up in the scrum, they ran round them, they scored four tries – a penalty try then from Wilco Louw, Alex Dombrandt, Andre Esterhuizen.
Harlequins lift the Premiership title after beating Exeter Chiefs in Twickenham thriller
Quins star Marcus Smith parades the trophy around Twickenham after an exhilarating final
Alex Dombrandt celebrates as Quins end an 11-year wait to become champions once again
MATCH FACTS AND PLAYER RATINGS
EXETER: Nowell 6 (H Skinner, 79); Cuthbert 6 (Hogg, 46 6), Slade 7, Devoto 7, O’Flaherty 7; J Simmonds 7, Maunder 6 (Townsend, 53 6); Hepburn 5.5 (Moon, 55 7), Cowan-Dickie 7.5 (Yeandle, 61 6), Williams 5, J Gray 7, Hill 6, Kirsten 6, Capstick 6 (Armand, 46 7), S Simmonds 7.5
Not used: Street, Lonsdale
HARLEQUINS: Green 7.5; Lynagh 7.5, Marchant 8, Esterhuizen 7.5, Murley 7 (Northmore, 59); Smith 8, Care 8; Marler 9.5, Baldwin 7.5 (J Gray, 59), Louw 8.5 (Collier, 59), Symons 8, Lewies 7 (Lamb, 59), Chisholm 7 (Lawday, 73), Kenningham 8, Dombrandt 9
Not used: Garcia Botta, Landajo, Tapuai
They then lost the game and their heads – seemingly – falling behind with 15 minutes to go; Exeter taking four scores of their own via Jonny Gray, Alec Hepburn, Sam Simmonds and Ollie Devoto.
And then Quins won it all over again. Two from Louis Lynagh sealing it in the most crazy finish.
No one has ever done it like this. No longer the fourth-placers, now just the dreamers, the believers and the Premiership champions. Quite how Harlequins managed it is one for films of the future.
Now just to drink it in.
Happy to be here? You would have thought Quins were having finished fourth, six months on from dispensing with their head coach Paul Gustard after a shambolic and listless start to the season.
But no chance. If they were to become just the second Harlequin side ever to win the league they would have no better chance – no Saracens in the mix, the greatest comeback completed against Bristol the week before, 28-0 down but winning in extra-time, and momentum snowballing.
Their fans held up a ‘rugby’s coming home’ flag in the stands – if it did it would not have to travel far; the players and staff walking over the metal bridge above the A316 between the little and big Stoop before the game, just as they did in 2012 when last champions.
Referee Matthew Carley awards a penalty try to Quins after an infringement from Jonny Hill
However, Chiefs responded quickly with Jonny Gray touching down to make it 7-7 early on
Exeter then took the lead for the first time through Alec Hepburn’s try on the 30-minute mark
Quins would not die wondering, and Exeter could not allow themselves to be seduced by their opponents’ technicolour tale.
A freshly mo-hawked Joe Marler and South African tight-head Wilco Louw – a man who looks as if he was grown on a Western Cape farm exclusively for scrummaging – were in their element.
They went about the place like a pair of 1970s coppers, crackin’ skulls and takin’ names.
Quins’ intent was there from the start, Marcus Smith never once kicking a penalty to goal but instead to the corners, right into the heart of the Chiefs.
The first time he knocked one into the corner Quins rolled a maul and Jonny Hill collapsed it, was sin-binned and gave away a penalty try. It was statement stuff.
These Chiefs do not take kindly to their manhood being called into question though, and decided the way to win was to deny Quins the ball.
Alex Dombrandt finished off a great move for Quins to put them back in front before the break
Andre Esterhuizen scored Quins’ fifth try shortly after half-time to give them a 12-point lead
By the time they went 14-7 up, Gray and Hepburn smashing over for trademark, close-range scores, Harlequins had just 27 per cent possession and 22 per cent territory after half-an-hour.
Exeter’s 100th try of the league year from Hepburn also saw Smith sin-binned for offside, but oddly that galvanised Quins.
They built their way back up the field, turned down four more kickable penalties, before Louw eventually waded through four defenders, with the strength of an ox who had just had his backside tasered, to score.
With Smith off Joe Marchant hit a post with the conversion, but then Quins returned for more. With the clock dead Marler and Louw eviscerated an Exeter scrum to win a penalty, then after two more awarded in their favour, and a third coming, Smith found Dombrandt with an inside ball – the No 8 carving in to score and then celebrating wildly.
Chiefs managed to respond and fight back through tries from Ollie Devoto and Sam Simmonds
Exeter would need all the experience they have gained from their five previous consecutive finals to power them on.
However, Harlequins were too busy running amok. Next they went scything and offloading away, Marchant eventually finding Esterhuizen coming round the corner for Quins’ fourth try – their 100th of the season too.
As if offended by their emasculation so far Exeter then raised themselves spectacularly to first win a huge scrum penalty, and then score a vital pair of tries to keep this see-sawing game swinging.
Sam Simmonds had the first – his 21st of this record-breaking year – showing all the hot-stepping agility that has him on the plane to South Africa with the Lions on Monday.
His brother Joe converted to cut the gap to five points, and then danced through a hole, found Devoto who then raced in.
Quins’ Louis Lynagh scored twice to help his side roar to overcome the reigning champions
In a final that saw 11 tries, it was Quins that came out on top at Twickenham on Saturday
Joe Simmonds converted and Exeter led having 10 minutes earlier been 12 points behind.
The travelling extra players not picked on both sides were piling into pints, singing songs and struggling to contain themselves, whether in black Exeter polo shirts or Harlequin red ones.
They rose to applaud Luke Cowan-Dickie who was sickeningly knocked out and taken off after an hour, everyone hoping he would make the Lions plane.
With the Tomahawk Chop chant now rolling round Twickenham, Exeter turned the screw – trying to enter closer mode.
Joe Simmonds kicked a penalty – rare for Chiefs, showing the situation they were in – to push their lead out to five again.
Magic Marcus still had time to conjure, Smith first goose-stepping, then throwing a no-look pass to Lynagh for the equalising score – the son of Australian legend Michael diving in with one arm raised.
It is their first Premiership title since 2012 where they’ve fought against all the odds
Smith then kicked Quins into the lead once more. There were four minutes to go when Lynagh then scored again, Green sending him leaping in.
Smith converted and the fairytale looked complete. But then, as if this needed any more drama, Stuart Hogg scored after a break from Jannes Kirsten, and then Joe Simmonds kicked Exeter to within two again.
But the script had been sent, Exeter fumbled in their 22, Harlequins gathered and kicked the ball high into the clouds – ones they might just float on forever as the most unlikely Premiership champions in history.