How do I persuade my daughter to freeze her eggs?

Q: I’m a happily married man with three grown-up children. My son and youngest daughter both have kids, but my eldest daughter is still single at 37 and I fear she may miss the boat for having a family of her own. 

Her long-term relationship ended four years ago and she took it very badly. As far as I know she hasn’t had a boyfriend since but she doesn’t talk about such things now, whereas before she was very open. 

She has previously said that she would love to have children one day. She is successful with a well-paid job, but time is passing. 

I feel she should consider freezing her eggs before it’s too late, but I have no idea how to broach the subject with her. I’ve begged my wife and our other daughter to discuss it with her but they’ve told me it is a matter for her and her alone. 

How can I find someone who would discuss the subject sensitively with her? I would be willing to pay for the entire process of freezing her eggs. It is causing me anxiety and sleepless nights.

A: You’re clearly a loving father who is anxious about his daughter and wants the best for her. However, this all-consuming paternal love is perhaps making you overprotective and also in danger of being overbearing. 

Because what I think your wife is trying to tell you (and which you’re perhaps not hearing because of your anxiety) is that egg freezing is not necessarily going to ensure your daughter’s future happiness. 

The success rates of this process are by no means guaranteed and decrease if eggs are frozen after the age of 35. It could even increase the pressure on her. It may give her false hope that she could still have children – only for that hope to be dashed further down the line. 

And what if she still hasn’t met a new partner by, say, 45? Should she press ahead and bring up a child alone? I suspect she may well feel as anxious as you do about not having a partner or children – and I am sure she senses your concern.

It’s possible she may meet someone in the next year or two and still have children naturally, but equally she may not. What is important is that you support her whatever happens. 

Of course, it can be heartbreaking for women – and men – who cannot have children, but it is not the only route to happiness. It might be helpful to ask your daughter (or ask your wife to ask her) whether the fear of getting hurt again is stopping her from falling in love. 

You could offer to pay for counselling if it would help with this. But please don’t put pressure on her about children – I suspect she is already doing that herself.

I would also suggest you seek counselling to help with your anxiety and insomnia, because your worry over your daughter is affecting your own wellbeing. See mind.org.uk for information on finding a counsellor. 

I LOVE HIM BUT I DON’T WANT T0 MARRY HIM

Q: I’m a divorced woman in my mid-50s with two children in their early 20s. My ex-husband, although perfectly pleasant, was quite old-fashioned and I found him stifling. I was young when we married and we grew apart. 

Two years ago, I met a lovely man who has also been married before. He’s kind and funny and, most importantly, my daughters really like him. However, I have told him that I never want to get married again. 

At first he accepted this, but recently he’s been dwelling on it and getting upset, saying that I can’t love him as much as I did my former husband. I know he is jealous of my ex, but he needn’t be – I love him much more. How can we solve this?

A: The solution lies in looking more closely at the reasons for both of your positions. I would guess you were the one to end your marriage – out of frustration and feeling trapped. Even though you love your new partner, you’re wary of getting into a similar situation. 

However, I suspect your new partner wasn’t the one who chose to end his marriage – perhaps it came out of the blue or maybe his ex cheated on him. So this has made him insecure.

 He clearly adores you and, because his world was shaken before, is keen to make a commitment – and fears you are not. This can be resolved if you explore these feelings together, ideally with couples counselling (relate.org.uk). 

One thing to bear in mind is that if you don’t marry but stay together into old age, issues may emerge over health or care. 

Making decisions on these matters might be more complicated because you wouldn’t be regarded as each other’s next of kin. He sounds great – so I hope you stay together.

• If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_