The madcap host of this year’s Royal Variety Performance kicks off our bumper TV special by sharing the secrets of her big day: so that’ll be PJs, bucks fizz and tinseltastic telly all the way – but NEVER the Queen’s Speech (and you thought brandy butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth!)
So, the lovely people at Event magazine have asked me to share my Christmas traditions and secrets. I am currently sipping a glass of mulled wine, so I fear I may share more than I might normally. But hey, it’s Christmas – isn’t it all about sharing, about love and joy and celebrating each other, and, indeed, ourselves? So now we are free and relaxed, I shall delve openly and honestly into the questions I have been given, for, ’tis the season to be jolly – fa la la la la, la la la la!
Miranda Hart, the madcap host of this year’s Royal Variety Performance kicks off our bumper TV special by sharing the secrets of her big day
The first thing I will be doing on Christmas Day this year is…
Taking a deep breath and being grateful for the roof over my head, my friends and family, and that I can stay in pyjamas all day. And then it will be straight to the kettle for a cup of tea. I get excited every morning for my tea, and I’m very particular about it too. My friends now know not to make it for me as it has to be steeped just the right amount – pretty strong – and then milk added for the perfect nutty-beige colour. It’s the little things.
If the telly cameras visited my home on December 25 they would find…
A woman in her favourite, baggy M&S pyjamas with a star print, with no make-up on, probably looking slightly deranged but of completely sound mind, just being herself, with no need to be the funny person and enjoying the fact that Christmas Day is a nominated feast day, so eating inappropriately at all times. Nutella and bagels might be the breakfast of choice. Basically, it’s not something you’d ever want to see on telly!
The best Christmas present that I ever got was…
Ummm, now I don’t know if my family will be reading this, but we are not the best present-givers. When I was younger I asked for a ghetto-blaster (anyone under 30 – it’s like a very large iPod), and instead my beloved parents gave me a dictaphone. Seriously. I am afraid I didn’t appreciate it! The best Christmas present then – and this isn’t just a way to plug my book! – is when someone tells me they like The Girl With The Lost Smile. We all need compliments about our work, whatever we do.
And the worst present was…
Please see the aforementioned dictaphone. Though I chose to use it to my advantage, and me and friends at school recorded lots of what we thought at the time were brilliant plays on it (they were awful).
The present I always wanted as a child (or adult) but never got was…
A dog. I wrote letters to my mum and dad every year asking for a dog, but I never got one. I was so sure that one year I would – but no. I now understand all the things I heard then, like ‘a dog is a tie’; ‘it’s for life not just for Christmas’; ‘it will dig up the garden’. But as a kid you just hear ‘Blah, blah, parents, blah blah!’
In my school Nativity I was always…
The angel Gabriel. You may think ‘Ooh nice’, but it was only because I was so tall. One year, we did the Nativity in the local church and I was giving my best Gabriel, and standing Amazonian-like centre stage, trying to look awesome and angelic, when everyone started to laugh. It turned out that the window behind was beaming sunlight and made my sticky-out ears cast a huge shadow, so it looked like my ears were 20ft long. Angel Gabriel meets Mickey Mouse.
‘I’m genuinely the one who is most likely to stay indoors all day, not want to go for a walk and will have overeaten’
The best and worst things I think about office Christmas parties are…
Generally, I think they are pretty awful. Is that very Scrooge of me? Does anyone really want to be there? We see our colleagues every day and we are friendly with them, but do we want to see them drunk or hear them spill secrets that we then have to think about every day for the rest of our working lives?
I will let you in on a secret – I think I avoided every office party bar one in my ten years of working as a PA. I just couldn’t face them. The one I did go to was when I was working in the offices of Comic Relief – and that was great because they were my kind of people, and my kind of silly, and two friends got caught weighing their breasts to see how much they would cost to post! Never not funny.
The best Christmas I ever had was…
I have lots of fond memories of Christmases with my family and having huge laughs with my sister and cousins when we were younger. We would eat our body weight in chocolate and then play pranks on the grown-ups – very silly things, like putting a tub of flour on top of a door, so that when someone walked through they would be covered in it.
(Don’t do it, kids – there’s a lot of cleaning up to be done afterwards and it’s actually not that funny.)
The biggest family Christmas row was about…
The roast potatoes. We don’t row much as a family – we’re far too British middle-class for a row! But there might have been some terse words about how the roast potatoes should be cooked. I say bung them straight in with oil, others say they need flour. I mean, why are we fussing so much?
I usually enjoy my first alcoholic drink at…
About 11am. And it’s usually a bucks fizz. And I will graze on it throughout the day, reducing the amount of orange juice that goes in the glass each time I top up.
The relative I can most rely on to become inebriated by 2.30pm and pass out on the settee, still sporting their paper hat from lunch is…
Me! I’m genuinely the one who is most likely to stay indoors all day, not want to go for a walk and will have overeaten. That’s a choice and very happy I am indeed with it.
Outside of family, my dream Christmas guests would be…
Jesus (well, it’s his birthday after all, and there would be a LOT to ask). And for an awesome party, I’d invite other celebs whose birthdays are on December 25; Annie Lennox (love her and can sing us some carols), Sir Isaac Newton (fascinating), Humphrey Bogart (for all the old Hollywood stories), Lord Grade (for all the TV stories), and Kenny Everett (to have us all in fits of giggles). It’s the perfect combo.
‘We never get the perfect white Christmas in this country, and I crave that cinematic Christmas setting’
Who’ll actually be around my table this year are…
Friends. I am going off piste and doing friends not family this year. I’ll have pals Richard and Emma and their four children and cousins, and some other mutual friends of theirs.
The Christmas carol I can’t resist belting out when I’ve had a nip of cooking sherry is…
ANY OF THEM! I adore carols and need no sherry to go for it either. I’ll go for Ding Dong Merrily On High and then In The Bleak Midwinter.
My dream kiss under the mistletoe would have to be…
I think any kisses under the mistletoe would be young, ghastly, drunken snogs that neither of us wanted – it’s hard to be romantic when mistletoe usually hangs from a doorway in a very public place. No thanks. I’ll save my dream kiss for a more romantic, private setting please.
The Christmas movie I have to watch every year is…
It’s A Wonderful Life. It may be a cliché, but I love it. It has the perfect message that we all need to remember, and I love James Stewart.
Miranda Hart (centre) with her parents David and Diana, and her sister Alice in 1982
My favourite ever Christmas telly is…
Anything classic with falling snow and a lovely old-fashioned vibe, like Miracle On 34th Street or White Christmas – things with romance and, ideally, songs. And then for laughs, Elf [the 2003 comedy with Will Ferrell].
The time of day we open our Christmas presents is…
About 4pm or 5pm, when it’s just getting dark, and we’ve just digested our lunch. It gives the day some expectancy. I love that time on Christmas Day – and not just because I can start eating again and have another cup of tea.
The Christmas track that is guaranteed to get me dancing in my novelty Christmas slippers is…
I really don’t need a specific tune. I am a sucker for any of the Christmas classics, but I do love a gentle rock to an old crooner, such as Bing Crosby.
And the track that gets me sobbing happily into my egg nog is…
White Christmas. It’s full of nostalgia. We never get the perfect white Christmas in this country, and I crave that cinematic Christmas setting.
I am mostly in charge of…
As little as I can get away with. In the kitchen. I am just being honest with you.
I’m hosting the Royal Variety Show this year, and I can tell you the best bit about performing in front of Royals is…
The fact that you can hopefully give some very hard-working Royal a good night out – you don’t want to let them, or the Royal Variety charity, down.
And the embarrassing bit is…
That you might fart when you curtsey when you meet them afterwards.
The Christmas tradition that I think only the Harts have is…
A game called Pass The Spoon, which is almost impossible to explain, I am afraid.
I like to go to church at Christmas…
For Midnight Mass, because I love the candlelight romance of it, and the feeling of hope and expectation of something really special the next day. It reminds me that Christmas isn’t just about eating and presents – it’s about love.
Miranda Hart with Michael Ball and Alfie Boe at the Royal Variety Performance
The Queen’s Speech…
I never see it because my parents used to force me to watch it. I was one of those teenagers who foolishly couldn’t be told what to do, and then I got in the habit of never watching it. And still don’t. A hangover of teenage petulance.
If I were to write the Queen’s Speech, I would definitely talk about…
What I thought of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. When there’s a Royal engagement, it feels as if we are watching a top-class romcom. And I think Princes William and Harry stand for wonderful things. They’ve been through incredibly tricky times in their lives, so who wouldn’t want to see them happy? It’s delightful.
But I would also get the Queen to specifically tell us what their Christmas traditions were – what telly they watched, whether they wore tracksuit bottoms and scruffy clothes or were always smart, and whether they had too much to drink. I want to know it ALL.
My alternative national anthem would be…
Bring Me Sunshine by Morecambe and Wise. It’s kind of an anthem for many of us who were brought up during that hallowed era of British comedy.
And finally I want to say to all Event readers this Christmas…
… that you’re fabulous. No, seriously. That sounds meaningless, but we forget to celebrate and think kindly of ourselves in this country. We’re the first to be critical and negative about ourselves. So enjoy yourselves this Christmas, celebrate you as well as your family and friends. And if you’re on your own, get in touch with me.
Lots of love to everyone. xxxx
Miranda Hart’s book ‘The Girl With The Lost Smile’ is out now on Hodder, £12.99. ‘Miranda Does Christmas’ is on Channel 4 on Dec 27 at 9pm. The Royal Variety Performance is on Dec 19 on ITV, 7.30pm