There I was, in my red halterneck dress and glitter-heeled platforms, at a party in East London among a throng of dancers, couples and party people. Not close friends — I was with my sister-in-law as her plus one.
It was fun. I felt engaged with the crowd, and conversation in our group flowed, with curiosity and interest igniting in fizzing bubbles as effervescent as the party cocktails. Or so I thought.
The witching hour arrived and suddenly the group dynamic changed. Dancing got closer and breathless, circles were drawn and men were pulled into them.
Raffaella Barker, 52, first noticed that she felt invisible at a party in East London when no one paid any attention to her and she was able to leave unnoticed
I leant in to say something into the ear of one of my companions and she wasn’t there — she’d slipped away and was suddenly on the dance floor next to a tall guy in a black shirt. She clearly wasn’t coming back to our table any time soon.
I realised that everyone had left the group except me. Minutes passed. I felt inconspicuous. I fiddled with my shoe, then my earring, and tried to look self-possessed.
One guy came back over and picked up his jacket from a seat. I smiled at him, but he didn’t register it.
No one was looking at me. I was invisible. After half an hour I took advantage of my invisibility cloak and went home.
I love getting dressed up: picking something glamorous, adding earrings, make-up and a spritz of scent, and wafting about in front of the mirror.
It’s a Wonder Woman moment, where we go from our everyday selves to a more powerful, potent and sexy version. It’s not that the rest of the time we are none of these things, it’s more that sometimes we ramp it up for added verve.
So what happens when one day it doesn’t work any more?
I had noticed this sense of invisibility creeping up — no one catching your eye on the bus or in the street, for example. Or if they do, disappointment registers on their face for a nanosecond and then indifference.
Raffaella says she feels like a ghost when walking with her 20-year-old daugher
Or you are in a throng at the shop counter to buy something and find the shop assistant’s eyes glide straight past you.
Most strange and complex of all is the experience of walking on a busy street with my 20-year-old daughter, as she sails forth on the tide of her youthful beauty, me like a ghost ship in her wake.
I feel proud and protective, but also nostalgic for that wonderful indifference of youth.
That change in gear is the natural order. I am 52. I am not yet a grandmother, but I am the mother of adult children and married, so the desire to turn up the heat and have myriad new encounters is in my past.
But it doesn’t mean I want to be invisible.
We all have moments when we feel unequal to the challenge of life, and I found the experience of breast cancer three years ago a struggle that threatened to engulf me.
I was lucky to recover well. But the exhaustion of it left me a shadowy version of myself, with little energy to engage, so I was unnoticed in the business of life.
But I don’t want to be the grey figure at the edge of a gathering, whom no one wants to sit next to.
I wanted to return to a point where I met the world on equal terms. I may not become a granny for a while, but even so, I have no plans to follow the shortbread-and-tea cosy route to this milestone.
And why should I? My generation runs marathons and strides to the top of their career path rather than fading into retirement.
We wear clothes from Zara (or, in Prime Minister Theresa May’s case, Amanda Wakeley leather trousers) because there is now no such thing as clothes that are off-limits because of one’s age.
Madonna, now 59, regularly prances about in thigh-high, black leather boots and fishnets. And while we can safely say that certain fashions are best left to real show-offs, the rest of us are free to pick from boho to streamlined, cutting-edge deconstructed style to double denim.
She says embracing vanity and getting active has helped her to overcome feelings of invisibilty
When Mary Berry, aged 82, wore a leather jacket last year on one of her cooking shows, she wasn’t trying too hard; she was waving the flag for lively fashion.
Prue Leith, new to The Great British Bake Off on Channel 4, is already stepping up in the fashion stakes at the age of 77. The message she gives, with her blocks of primary colour and statement necklaces, is that she wants to have fun with her wardrobe and be noticed.
And Fiona Bruce, 53, remains a paragon of understated glamour — she even wore trainers to present the BBC News.
Mixing fashion and fitness shows that we are on top of our lives, and so does what we actually do. Engagement with work is engagement with the world.
For instance, J. K. Rowling, who at 52 could certainly afford to take her foot off the business accelerator, has written a fistful of novels since the Harry Potter series. She also has the rare accolade of being one of the only living writers to have had all her books adapted for the screen.
Anna Wintour, 67, is still editor of American Vogue, a role she has held for 28 years. She is not only visible but uniquely recognisable in an instant for her signature sharp bob, shades and honed silhouette.
Raffaella advises to make the first move when connecting with others
There is simply no reason to shuffle away into obscurity. We now live longer than ever and don’t need to disappear.
If men are admired for becoming silver foxes, why shouldn’t women be lauded for radiating the power of feminine maturity?
It is, after all, a triumph of evolution that we are now as strong as we are. Let’s celebrate it, and make age nothing more than a number.
For my part, living by the sea, I am not about to give up wearing a bikini for my daily swim. And if I don’t give up on the bikini, I don’t give up on a body that can wear one.
If I am ever in doubt about this ritual, I fall back on sisterhood. This summer I have seen a rangy 71-year-old woman on the beach wearing a black two-piece most mornings. Her posture and grace are what I notice. She is magnetic.
Here’s how you can be, too.
Hang up your invisibility cloak
GET ACTIVE, GET A LIFE
I love to run and I believe everyone should. But if it’s not for you, there are other ways to exercise away that invisibility.
You could try dancing lessons — take up tango, ballroom, or even ballet-core.
There will be a class near where you live. Just give it a go. It’s sexy, the rhythm of the music is invigorating and it’s brilliant for your posture.
And who can forget the giddy freedom of learning to ride a bike? If you don’t have one, hire or borrow one for a day and get out of town. It’s lovely to feel the wind rush through your hair.
Reward yourself with a pub lunch or tea somewhere a few miles off. There’s no need to go all out and become a Lycra lout — a gentle pedal will do.
VANITY IS YOUR FRIEND
Take an interest in what you look like. Be a bit vain. Make your clothes work for you.
Chuck out every fleece you own or put it in the dog bed. There are great clothes available at every price, including real bargains on eBay.
Make your wardrobe work. Issa has some stunning dresses, sold through House of Fraser. Whistles is stylish for work clothes, and Zara is wonderful. But until you can put together chic outfits with a trained eye, avoid Marks & Spencer like the plague.
BE ON-TREND AT HOME
Colour and pattern — it’s as important for your house as your clothing.
Avoid anything insipid at all costs. Dreary beige, dreary pale grey and dreary light blue can look awful at the best of times.
Go for indigo, bottle-green, rust or scarlet. Add a flash of silver or teal blue, and be bold with vivid florals or wild animal print, not geometric patterns or teeny sprigs of flowers. A sheepskin rug over an armchair adds interest. If you like it, have it — never mind what anyone else thinks.
It’s amazing how injecting a shot of colour via a big vase filled with golden autumnal leaves can add cheer.
No major financial outlay is needed, either; even just a new tray and a couple of mugs can add zest. I love anthropologie.com and emmabridgewater.co.uk for this.
SHOW HAIR FLAIR
Do NOT be a victim of your hair. If grey is the way, make sure it’s healthy and in good condition. Get a good cut and use a hair mask. It can be expensive to sort out your hair, so take the time to find a look you like, a colour that suits you and a regime that works.
Hair is like teeth — a major investment, but, with the right practitioner, well worth the cost. Check out redken.com for products and to search for a salon near you.
Just like hair, the skin needs proper attention. Whatever your routine is, it will make you feel more in control, more interested and more invested.
Drinking lots of water and using sunscreen are the bottom line.
Beyond that, become informed. Visit cosmetic counters and ask them for samples to try. Experiment with your make-up and don’t make the mistake of wearing the same shades at 60 as you did in your 30s.
Renowned make-up artist Lisa Eldridge has some great tutorials for older women on her YouTube channel.
FINALLY . . . CONNECT
The most significant choice I made that has stopped me feeling invisible was to say hello to people, meet their gaze and smile. Don’t wait for someone else to do it first.
Yes, some will blank you, but mostly people smile back at you and it’s rather lovely.