It’s easy to believe in ‘besties for life’ when you’re 15 and share a Taylor Swift obsession. By midlife, however, maintaining friendships is much harder. Life’s busy, values change and friends can drift away.
But if you’re missing that lost friendship – whether you naturally drifted, were ghosted or it fell apart spectacularly – it may not be too late to rekindle, says clinical psychologist DR FELICITY BAKER. Here’s how to reach out to a long-lost friend without feeling awkward or vulnerable…
Send a neutral message. Something like: ‘Been wondering how you are, do you fancy a chat?’
Clinical psychologist Dr Felicity Baker says it may not be too late to rekindle your friendship
Look at your part in the break-up
Reconnecting can be challenging if there were times when you struggled to get on, or the ‘split’ was because of an unresolved argument. Before making contact, decide whether you’re willing to explore your part in what happened, and listen to the other person’s feelings.
They may not want to hear from you, or still be hurt or angry. Your old friend’s memories of what happened might differ significantly from yours, too.
BEST APPROACH: Send a neutral message. Something like ‘Been wondering how you are, do you fancy a chat?’ leaves the ex-friend room to ignore it. If so, don’t chase – no reply is a message in itself.
Grasping the initiative may lead to a lifelong, rekindled friendship. If it doesn’t, you know you’re free to move on
Understand your communication styles
Sometimes, a friendship drifts because of unresolved communication difficulties. Friendship patterns are learned behaviours, and criticising, undermining and bullying often have roots in our early experiences.
If you experienced persistently critical, controlling or chaotic parenting, you might find yourself unconsciously repeating these negative patterns in friendships.
Relationships that mirror negative early experiences can trigger anxiety, depression or poor self-esteem – but they may also feel very comfortable, as the familiarity can leave us feeling as though the person really understands us.
But unless you can change the way you relate to each other, meeting up again will lead straight back into the problems that drove you apart.
BEST APPROACH: Think about what early relationships your friendship mirrored – and whether you really want to return to that communication style. Only approach if you think you can both change.
Don’t apologise for everything
If you had a falling out, leaping in and apologising unreservedly may feel like the right thing to do. But the devastating issue that has preoccupied you for years may not even be on your friend’s radar.
When you make contact, ask for their perspective on the fall-out before you try to resolve it. Opening up a conversation will allow you to decide together how to move forward – or not.
BEST APPROACH: Don’t assume you know how they feel about the falling-out: ask and listen. They may be happy to leave your friendship in the past – if so, accept their right to move on.
Seek out the solid foundations
Often, friends part ways because of ‘drift’, usually when one person’s life changes. Moving away, a new job, a baby . . . suddenly you have less time, and perhaps less in common.
Whatever the reason, if there was a solid foundation to your friendship in the first place, it’s likely that if you choose to rekindle, you’ll still get on. You may need to pinpoint what caused the drift and ask yourself if anything has changed in the meantime (perhaps you have older children now, or your jobs are less demanding) that will give your friendship a greater chance of success this time around?
BEST APPROACH: A friendly call or message asking if they fancy coffee and a catch-up. No need for apologies – drifting is usually mutual.
Don’t talk yourself out of it
It can be easy to overthink approaching a lost friend. Fear of rejection doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships. Friends we’ve shared intimacies with hold a lot of power – and being rejected can hurt.
Negative thoughts and predictions – ‘they won’t remember me’, ‘they’ll be upset it’s taken me so long to get in touch’, ‘they probably have enough friends’ – can undermine your motivation, raise anxiety and encourage avoidance.
It helps to start small, and lower your expectations. Put out some gentle feelers initially – mention your hopes to a mutual friend, or find them on social media and say ‘hi’.
BEST APPROACH: Take action – however small. Grasping the initiative may lead to a lifelong, rekindled friendship. If it doesn’t, you know you’re free to move on.
Leave old ghosts be
‘Ghosting’ – cutting you off with no explanation – is an active choice to distance from the friendship. Ghosting indicates a lack of care and commitment – there’s no willingness to resolve issues. If you’ve ever been ghosted, trying to resolve it may risk further feelings of rejection. Your ex-friend may not even know or remember why they ghosted you and it can be unhelpful to go in search of answers. Instead, it can lead to over-thinking, self-blame or anger, and generate more negative emotions and uncertainty.
BEST APPROACH: Don’t do it! If you must, send a polite message asking if they’d be willing to talk – but don’t expect an answer. You may never find out.
- ultimateresilience.co.uk
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