I thought my fiancé was Mr Perfect – until a ‘joke’ about how I look downstairs revealed his repulsive kink: SAUCY SECRETS

Dear Jana, 

I’m 31, single, and recently realised I’ve never had truly adventurous sex. 

My past partners were all strictly missionary-with-the-lights-off types, but I’ve started fantasising about being tied up, dominated, maybe even trying roleplay or impact play. 

The problem is, I have no idea how to dip my toe into this world without attracting creeps. 

Are there dating apps specifically for people who are kinky but still want to feel safe and respected?  I don’t want to end up on the news.

Adventurous Soul.

Dear Adventurous Soul,

Firstly, welcome to the club – you are far from alone. A huge chunk of the population has dabbled in fantasies around BDSM, domination, roleplay and the like. 

This week, Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking answers questions about exploring kinks, sexually starved prison wives and what to do about a disrespectful partner

In fact, studies show nearly half of women have had these exact thoughts. So no, you’re not weird, broken or destined to make an appearance on the 6pm news.

What you are is curious. And that’s something to celebrate. Wanting to explore your sexuality doesn’t mean sacrificing your self-respect – you just need a safe and slow approach.

Before anything else, it’s worth doing a bit of homework. The kink world isn’t just whips and leather. It’s built on trust, consent, communication and a lot of negotiation.

Start by reading up – there are loads of guides for beginners (try ‘A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM’ by Frank Corso), and online forums like FetLife where people share their experiences and ask questions without shame. 

The more you understand, the better you’ll feel when you eventually decide to act on those fantasies.

When it comes to actually meeting people, I hear you on the creep concern. You don’t want to end up tied to someone’s bed only to realise they’ve never heard the word ‘aftercare’.

Thankfully, there are apps out there designed exactly for this space: Feeld, KinkD, and Kinkoo all cater to people exploring non-traditional sex and relationships. 

These platforms let you spell out your interests, boundaries and kinks, so everyone’s clear from the start and ideally respectful of the vibe you’re going for. But I think you’re a fair way off that yet.

One woman asks Jana for advice about exploring kinky BDSM fantasies (stock image)

Because here’s the bit no one tells you: good kink is slow. Like, really slow. It’s not about jumping straight into a full dungeon scene (hell no!) it’s about building trust and connection, even if just for one night. 

Keep your communication sharp, your instincts sharper, and never be afraid to say no (or use a safe word – that’s what they’re there for). And for the love of god, do your first few sessions sober. You want your wits about you.

You don’t need to dive in headfirst to prove anything. You can start with light power dynamics, a little bondage, even just a fantasy talk to test how it makes you feel. It’s your body, your boundaries, your curiosity and you get to set the pace.

So no, exploring kink doesn’t mean losing control or dignity. Done right, it’s the exact opposite. It’s about reclaiming both and having a hell of a lot of fun along the way. I’m very much here for it!

Dear Jana,

I have always been slightly self-conscious about my labia being a bit larger than average, but because my previous partners never mentioned it, I never let it bother me too much.

Then about a month ago, my fiancé and I were in bed together and he made a ‘joke’ about how I look downstairs that I don’t even want to repeat. He clearly thought it was funny and I even pretended to laugh it off. But inside I felt disgusting.

A week or so later, my curiosity got the better of me and I snooped on his phone. And lo and behold I found Pornhub videos – lots of them – all featuring ‘tiny’ women with very ‘neat’ private parts.

The women were all adults but were creepily young-looking. They looked almost doll-like below the waist.

I was so shocked, I threw the phone on the ground and cried. Now I fear I’m about to marry a man who a) finds my vagina ugly and b) is a complete creep.

How the hell do I confront him? It’s been days now and I feel like I’m going crazy.

Anonymous.

Jana says there’s nothing wrong with watching porn, but fixating on certain types of bodies could be a red flag (stock image posed by models)

Dear Anonymous,

There’s no getting around it – your fiancé is a flog. Not just for the cheap shot about your body, but for thinking it was funny. Gross. 

I find that passive-aggressive ‘jokes’ are usually just low-grade cruelty dressed up as banter. Red flag, red flag. If he’d said that to you in front of a real man, he would’ve got a punch to the face. But guys like him would never have the guts to make jokes like that in front of others. They never do.

Unless this man is walking around with a gold-plated penis and a PhD in female pleasure, he is in no position to comment on anyone else’s bits and pieces. 

But rather than stoop to his level – tempting, I know – this is your moment to draw a hard line.

Look him right in the eye and say ‘That wasn’t funny. It actually hurt me.’ And leave it there. Don’t soften it. Don’t let him off with a smirk and a ‘calm down’.

We women tend to avoid being direct because we’re worried about making the other person embarrassed, but you are not overreacting. You’re responding to disrespect with dignity and a firm boundary. Girl, this has to be non-negotiable.

Now, in regards to the porn snooping. I’m going to say something slightly controversial – but that’s on you. A man’s porn search history should be between him and his tissues. It’s like reading a man’s diary.

Unless his viewing habits are illegal or outright disturbing, what a person watches in private is technically their business. So you kind of need to take responsibility for crossing that line.

That said, now that you have shared his particular preference, let’s unpack that because it is waving a few red flags. A consistent taste for hyper-young, hyper-‘neat’ bodies isn’t just about aesthetics. 

It can signal a craving for control. Porn that features women who look barely out of school, styled to resemble plastic dolls, isn’t just a cute wank, it’s giving domination vibes.

And when a grown man is consuming that content on a loop and tearing down your body in the process, you’ve got to ponder whether he has a degrading view of women.

Is he chasing power in one part of his life because he feels powerless elsewhere? Whatever it is – that’s his mess to sort out. But it’s certainly not your job to shrink yourself to fit it.

And let’s not forget: those ‘neat little’ vulvas aren’t the standard model – they’re a product. Performance lighting, cosmetic surgery, digital editing. Many of those women have undergone labiaplasty to fit a fetishised idea of what’s ‘normal’.

But the surgery itself is far from harmless. A plastic surgeon friend I know refuses to do them because of the risks that include infection, scarring, painful sex. 

And in some cases, permanent loss of sensation. Seriously, ten thousand nerve endings – gone. Just to appease a man who learned anatomy from Pornhub.

Please.

So no, you’re not crazy, you’re clear-eyed (albeit a little naughty for snooping).

Trust me, your labia isn’t the issue here. It’s your fiancé’s prehistoric attitude. Watch how he handles your boundaries, because that’ll tell you everything. 

Whether you call him out or cut him loose, remember this: your body is not a debate. He can either catch up with the 21st century or crawl back into the cave he came from.

Dear Jana,

My husband is serving a two-year sentence for something white-collar, and while I’m standing by him emotionally, I’m also struggling physically. 

I’m 35, in my prime, and the idea of going without sex for two years is killing me. 

I love him, but I’m also human. Is it selfish to bring up the idea of opening our marriage while he’s incarcerated? 

Would that make me a terrible wife, or just an honest one with needs? I’m torn between loyalty and lust.

Cockblocked by Jail.

Dear Cockblocked by Jail, 

Let’s be honest, your man might be the one behind bars, but you’re the one serving hard time. Two years without a single roll in the hay isn’t just a dry spell, it’s torture.

Now, I could tell you to invest in a deluxe buzz-buzz contraption and light some candles… but that’s not going to cut it for two years. 

You’re 35, in your sexual prime and your vajayjay didn’t take a vow of celibacy just because your husband chose a life of white-collar crime.

The real question here isn’t whether you’re selfish for wanting to open the marriage – it’s whether your relationship is strong enough to even have that conversation without him freaking out in the prison visitors’ room.

Because make no mistake, he will freak out. Almost definitely. But honestly, what’s your alternative? Two years of tumbleweed between your legs?

Let’s not do that. That’s how women end up snapping and jumping on the closest available man.

If you’re even halfway serious about this, you need to talk to him. No guilt, no tiptoeing. Try something like: ‘Look, I love you, but I’m also climbing the walls over here. How would you feel if I found a bit of temporary… release?’

Boom. You’ve opened the door.

Mail+ columnist advises a woman who wants to explore kink by telling her to take it slow 

Maybe he’s open to it. Maybe he’s not. Either way, you’re not stuck in relationship limbo, clutching your vibrator and whispering sweet nothings to it.

And remember this: wanting sex isn’t betrayal. Acting like you’re fine when you’re actually losing your damn mind will blow up in six months, guaranteed. 

You’re not wrong for wanting connection – you’re just a gutsy woman brave enough to say it out loud. Go for it.

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Read more at DailyMail.co.uk