It is as I cry in a wobbly voice: ‘I think that’s enough now!’ that I fear for my lower right rib. I’m encased in a corset that’s being laced tightly, and with every pull, I’m almost yanked off my feet. I am clinging onto the roof rack of a four-by-four just to stay upright.
It is a scene reminiscent of Gone With the Wind when Scarlett O’Hara is instructed to: ‘Just hold on and suck in!’ as she clings to a bed post in an effort to stay stable as Mammy laces her in ahead of a picnic.
But why am I clinging to a four-by-four? Well I’ve just arrived in London’s Notting Hill to road test this waist-cinching corset. And it restricts my movement to such an extent that I was unable to wear it on the way here, because I literally couldn’t sit down in it.
Now I’ve got it on, and the pressure on one of my ribs is so intense that I’m concerned it might crack. Panicking, I garble: ‘Loosen it! Loosen it! My rib’s about to snap!’
Clearly I am not as much of a trooper as reality star and businesswoman Kim Kardashian, who managed to remain poised despite her corset being so tight she could barely breathe.
Samantha Rea braved a corset in the style of Kim Kardashian to strut her stuff on the streets of London
This was just a few days ago, at the Met Gala, an annual event in New York where celebrities compete to out-do each other on the red carpet.
Video footage of Kim K at the event appears to show her doing tiny little gasps, as if the corset has compressed her lungs so much, there’s barely any room for oxygen.
Given that breathing is pretty much fundamental to staying alive, Kim K made headlines for prioritising fashion over her ability to breathe, in a move seen by many as ‘dangerous’.
With a waist that looked so slender it was rumoured to be only 19 inches, there was speculation about whether Kim K had removed some of her ribcage, while others wondered where she was now storing her guts.
Experts shared warnings about the health risks associated with wearing such a crushing corset, suggesting it could cause digestive problems, rib deformities and damage to internal organs, as well as restricted breathing.
The brave journalist donned the garment after Kim Kardashian shocked fans in her corset
Kim’s outfit featured metal chain mail leaves and a corset so tight it made eyes water as she arrived at the Met Gala
And then of course there were concerns about the beauty standards it set for young girls, with glamour model turned reality star Nicola McLean slamming it as irresponsible.
But scaremongering aside, I think Kim K looked AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!! And actually, a 19 inch waist isn’t even that small.
When Posh Spice married David Beckham back in 1999, she apparently had an 18 inch waist, thanks to a corset hidden under her Vera Wang wedding dress.
Burlesque star Dita Von Teese is said to have a waist of 16.5 inches when she’s strapped into a corset and Kylie Minogue was rumoured to have cinched in her waist to just 16 inches for her 2005 Showgirl tour.
Is it true? Who knows! But they all look fabulous, and so I wonder what a corset could do for me.
Victoria Beckham, Dita Von Teese and Kylie apparently all had the help of internationally acclaimed corsetier Mr. Pearl – who’s also worked with Kim K and the cast of Bridgerton.
The journalist chose an under-bust corset which covered the torso of her body
Unfortunately, I cannot afford Mr. Pearl’s celebrity-size fees, so I head to Camden, in north London, in search of an off-the-peg affordable corset that will make me look like Kim K.
After wandering through the maze of Stables Market, past leather belts and ’50s frocks, I find a rail of corsets in a shop called Tainted Prince. ‘Over bust or under bust?’ asks the woman managing the shop.
I look down at my scruffy trainers in embarrassment, thinking she is checking how close I am to financial ruin before deciding whether to assist me. But it’s OK! It turns out that ‘over bust’ means the corset covers your boobs, while ‘under bust’ means it stops just beneath them.
Having chosen ‘under bust’, we look at my options and I explain I want a corset I can pull in really tight, to make my waist look super snatched like Kim Kardashian.
And so I’m laced into a robust black corset – as I grip onto a clothing rail in an effort to stay on my feet. My rib cage cannot compete. It acquiesces to the corset and as it’s squashed smaller and smaller, I remember a drawing I saw online, of what your insides look like when you have a corset on.
It’s actually two drawings side by side. The first shows what your insides look like when you’re not wearing a corset, with everything where it should be. Then the second drawing shows your guts and internal organs all squished and distorted and pushed out of place.
I try not to think of this, and focus instead on the lovely hourglass image in the mirror in front of me. Sold!
I plan to wear the corset out and about this afternoon, and I suspect it would be easier if I skip lunch. Only I never skip lunch. I never miss a meal. I cannot even get my head around the popular concept of ‘brunch’ because you’re either missing breakfast or you’re missing lunch – and why would anyone miss out on an opportunity to eat a meal?
And so I don’t skip lunch, and my generous portion size means I eat it out of an oversize baking bowl as usual, but unfortunately I do not have time to sit very still for an hour afterwards, as I like to do.
Instead, I dash straight out, in a slight state of anxiety about where my lunch is going to go when I am laced into the corset.
Samantha revealed that, when the corset was tightened around her, she struggled to stay upright
One factor Samantha didn’t consider was the heat as she strapped into the tight corset amid soaring temperatures
It is a hot day, and I do not need an additional layer around my midriff, but this is the least of my worries as I’m now genuinely worried about my lunch bursting out of my body. Because that’s what happens, isn’t it, when you squeeze things too tight – the contents shoot out.
Think about a tortilla wrap. You squeeze that too hard and all the chicken and guacamole spills out either end. And I’m pretty sure I know which end my lunch will burst out.
But it’s fine because I look fabulous. I mean, I think I do. I can’t actually get to a mirror or reach for the one in my bag, because my movement is so restricted. I can’t walk in heels at the best of times, so combining them with a corset that I cannot bend or breathe in means I’m just sort of stuck here on the pavement. Like a beached whale but with a smaller waist.
I’d imagined myself sipping a martini on an atmospheric Notting Hill terrace, like Dita Von Teese – only I’d be holding the martini glass, rather than splashing about inside it, doing a burlesque routine.
The trouble is, I can’t quite hobble to a bar. And even if I were carried to one, in an over-the-shoulder fireman’s lift (yes please!) I’d have no chance of sitting down when I got there. And I’m definitely not standing up in heels.
Samantha found her movement was severely restricted while she was wearing the corset
After asking other people online what they thought of corsets, most people agreed it was deeply uncomfortable
So my plans are somewhat scuppered and I’m also jolly hot. I’d like to drink some water, except I am not sure there’s anywhere for it to go. How the dickens did Scarlett O’Hara manage at her picnic?
It’s possible that I don’t even look as fabulous as I’d hoped, because when I send my boyfriend a picture, all he sends back is a large cry-laughing emoji. So not only am I uncomfortable, but it’s all for nothing, as apparently I look ridiculous. Perhaps I am less Kim K, and more Sam Smith.
Feeling rather deflated I ask on Facebook: ‘Corsets! Thumbs up or thumbs down?’ My friend Jo says she has a corset that was custom made for her: ‘It’s beautiful! However, I can’t wear it anymore as I live alone and you need to hold your breasts in place, get someone to strap you in, put a foot on your back and pull the cords tight – a feat completely impossible alone!!’
This is so true – corsets are not a one-woman job. I ask Jo if she ever suffered a crushed rib or a breathing failure while she was wearing her corset. She says: ‘No injuries but I always made sure I wouldn’t be eating out that night, as that would be uncomfortable.’
Louise says: ‘Don’t get me wrong… I need a top up of Ramipril at the thought of Dita Von Teese in a champagne glass sporting a black corset. However, a contraption that has the power to shift internal organs should be consigned to the past.’
I have to Google ‘Ramipril’ and it turns out to be medication for high blood pressure. I am glad to hear that despite concerns for internal organs, corsets are still considered hot (just apparently not on me).
Twitter seems to echo these mixed feelings when I post a poll that brings back these results :
Just spent the afternoon in a corset. Is your first thought:
Are your ribs ok? 13%
Internal organs f****d? 3%
Could you breathe? 31%
Where are the pictures? 53%
Despite an uncomfortable afternoon, I still think Kim K looked fabulous at the Met Gala and I still love the old fashioned glamour of Dita Von Teese. Who doesn’t feel better when they make an effort with their appearance? And quite frankly, I wouldn’t even enjoy a martini in my jogging bottoms – getting dressed up is part of the fun.
It does cross my mind that if wearing an item of clothing restricts your movement and your ability to eat, and means you can’t even get dressed by yourself, then maybe it’s not massively empowering. But then, maybe I just need staff, because I swear my life would be so much easier if I simply had people to do things for me. So I’ll definitely be wearing my corset again – but maybe I’ll get it laced a little looser next time!
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