I’m a divorce lawyer – these are the three questions you must ask yourself before you tell your spouse you want a divorce – and it could cost you everything if you don’t

Divorce is never easy – but a family lawyer with 14 years’ experience warns it can be dangerous if you don’t approach it the right way.

Cassandra Kalpaxis, the author of the book Dignified Divorce, has guided hundreds of clients though the legal separation process. In most cases, it’s simply a matter of telling your spouse you want out, settling all property and custody matters, then applying for a divorce once you have been separated for a period of 12 months.

But for some people – women especially – telling their spouse they want to end the marriage can be the most perilous time of their lives.

Ms Kalpaxis says that unfortunately many wives do not realise they are in a domestic violence relationship until it’s over.

And just because they haven’t experienced physical violence in the past doesn’t mean the marriage is safe to leave.

So before taking that crucial first step in a divorce – telling your spouse you want to end the marriage – Ms Kalpaxis always instructs her clients to ask themselves three questions first.

Do you have freedom of movement? Do you have financial freedom? And do you have freedom of communication?

The first question is the most fundamental. ‘You need to ask yourself if you have the ability to come and go without being questioned about where you have been,’ Ms Kalpaxis says.

If you don’t, then you are effectively a prisoner in your own home and you will need to seek professional help before taking any meaningful step towards divorce.

As for financial freedom, you must ask yourself: ‘Can I take money out or spend it without anyone asking me why?’

Being able to access money during and after divorce is essential because without this freedom you are controlled by the person who does have financial access.

‘Then there is freedom of communication,’ Ms Kalpaxis says. 

‘Can you jump on the phone to your mum, your friend, your sister [with] no questions asked? Or without being monitored the whole time or without people checking your phone?’

If the answer is ‘no’ to any of these questions then, even without knowing it, you are in a domestic violence situation and any attempt to leave will be fraught with danger.

‘Many people don’t recognise this as domestic violence – they are so used to the coercive control and think it is normal when it is not,’ says Ms Kalpaxis. 

She has worked with many women, especially those over 50, who have never had access to finances and don’t recognise this as financial abuse. In a situation like this, leaving a spouse without a plan in place can be unsafe.

‘A lot of women have been groomed to believe they aren’t smart enough to deal with money,’ she says. 

‘They have been told that isn’t their role in the relationship from the beginning.’

Ms Kalpaxis says the ‘coercive’ partner sometimes doesn’t realise their actions are abusive. They are shocked to discover there are systems in place to protect their former partner from them during the divorce process.

‘They could be controlling the finances because it is what they thought they had to do, it could be generational.’

In cases like these, lawyers still serve as a safety net to the person being controlled. 

If you are in a situation where have freedom of movement, financial freedom and  freedom of communication, then you are in a good position to ask your spouse for a divorce. It won’t be an easy conversation, but will most likely be a safe one.

Ms Kalpaxis is an advocate for peaceful divorce and firmly believes the process doesn’t have to be toxic. For her, that first conversation is fundamental.

‘It’s an opportunity to get on the same page. The other person might be shocked and they might be angry. Or they might be thinking the same thing,’ she says.

There is a ‘bonus’ fourth question people should ask themselves before telling their husband or wife they want to divorce. This question also applies to the person on the receiving end of the conversation: ‘Do we really need a divorce or are we just feeling disconnected because life got in the way?’

Ms Kalpaxis says she often sees couples with children divorce simply because they forgot to make time for each other – and by the time their children have grown up, they feel as though they are living with a stranger.

But she has watched estranged marriages reconnect – even after the ‘divorce talk’ – because both parties made a commitment to getting to know each other again.

‘They reconnect as single people and realise the bond between them is still there. And without the distractions of kids and work, they manage to build up their relationship again,’ she says.

It is important to ask yourself three questions before telling your partner you want a divorce 

Coercive control has been described as an ‘insidious’ type of domestic violence. It is a criminal offence in the state of New South Wales.

Many aspects of coercive control are dealt with under family law in Victoria, Tasmania, the Northern Territory and the ACT.

It will be considered a crime in its own right in Queensland from 2025, while lawmakers in South Australia and Western Australia are well into the consultation process to change laws.

Speaking to FEMAIL, GP Dr Philippa Kaye previously warned of the subtle signs of coercive control and what to do about them.

‘An abuser who does this might monitor their partner’s social media, texts and calls, dictate what they can eat, when they exercise, who they can see and how much money they spend,’ she said.

‘Domestic abuse is defined as any controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, or violence.

‘It can be physical, psychological, sexual, emotional, financial and more. And whatever form it takes, it is a crime.’

Men who use coercive control in their relationships are more likely to kill their partner than other abusers – even if they haven’t been physically violent before or if physical violence hasn’t been the primary form of abuse at home.