FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25
Bafta’s Britannia Awards is a classy, fun annual event at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles.
But my enthusiasm at attending tonight was somewhat tempered by the discovery that one of the honourees was ‘Saint’ Steve Coogan, self-appointed moral arbiter of the British press along with ‘Halo’ Hugh Grant.
Even worse, Coogan was to receive the Charlie Chaplin award, thus directly bracketing him with the greatest comedic genius in history.
My mood wasn’t improved by a red carpet appearance where I was initially subjected to a pleasing cascade of flashbulbs and noisy requests for TV interviews, and then a distinctly less pleasing sudden exodus of attention as Taron Egerton arrived behind me.
To my horror, at the table to my immediate right was Steve bloody Coogan. Our eyes locked for a brief contemptuous second, and the electricity could have powered California for a week
Egerton is horribly handsome and riding high in Hollywood off the back of his brilliant performance in the Elton John biopic Rocketman.
So this was like being on a fashion catwalk runway when David Gandy struts out.
Ego dented, I sloped off to find my table near the stage (my host was Britbox, the streaming service that now airs Good Morning Britain in the States).
To my delight, at the table to my immediate left were two of my favourite actresses, Lupita Nyong’o and Kerry Washington.
To my horror, at the table to my immediate right was Steve bloody Coogan. Our eyes locked for a brief contemptuous second, and the electricity fuelled by our mutual loathing could have powered California for a week.
As guests noisily milled around, Samuel L Jackson’s head loomed up on the big screens, furiously reprising his Pulp Fiction character Jules: ‘I want you all to sit your asses DOWN!’ he barked. It worked, everyone sat down.
The show’s host, British comedian James Veitch, prompted gasps of horror by quipping: ‘When someone gets an award, I’ll say “Look! An American holding a tiny piece of Britain… probably feels like being Meghan Markle!” ’
Incredibly, this wasn’t even the most shocking line of the night. That came from Olivia Colman to British Artist of the Year, and global ladette-in-chief, Phoebe Waller-Bridge. ‘Congrats Phoebe, you gorgeous old c***!’ smirked Ms Colman, who plays the Queen in the new series of The Crown on Netflix.
I haven’t been so shocked by someone playing Her Majesty since Dame Helen Mirren told me ‘I loved coke’ when I interviewed her for the movie The Queen, and she wasn’t referring to the drink.
The night’s highlight came from an award winner who didn’t even turn up.
Jane Fonda was supposed to receive the Stanley Kubrick Award For Excellence In Film, but got arrested earlier in the day during a climate change protest in Washington DC. Hilariously, she gave her acceptance speech as police led her away in handcuffs. ‘Bafta, thank you!’ she bellowed amid the melee. ‘I’m sorry I’m not there. I’m very honoured!’
The room spontaneously rose as one to give her a roaring standing ovation. I hope I have half as much of Ms Fonda’s ferocious energy, spirit and campaigning zeal when I’m 81.
Fortunately, one thing I already have is better eyesight (thanks to laser surgery) than Taron Egerton, 29, who presented Fonda’s award in her absence, but proved comically incapable of reading the autocue.
‘Sorry, I really need glasses,’ he stammered, as he stumbled for the fourth time.
He really does. As he kept on screwing up, to his and the audience’s increasing amused discomfort, my mind returned to the red carpet: karma’s a bitch, baby.
The speeches were all self-deprecating and short, until we got to Coogan, who was introduced by his Stan & Ollie co-star John C Reilly as ‘the greatest artist in the comedy field, one of the kindest people I have ever met, and one of the best actors I’ve ever worked with, in drama or comedy.’ Barf.
There was certainly no danger of Coogan dissuading anyone of this sycophantic guff.
‘Me, Charlie Chaplin?’ he mused, smugly. ‘A cat may look at a king…’
Pause. ‘I’m the cat, by the way.’
The audience reaction suggested this clarification was entirely superfluous.
‘I’ve always collaborated with people,’ Coogan continued, ‘sometimes 60 per cent me, 40 per cent them, other times it was 90 per cent me, ten per cent them. But generally speaking it was mostly me.’
One of those collaborations was with Dame Judi Dench in Philomena.
‘People ask me what it’s like working alongside Judi Dench,’ he said. ‘The answer is: horrible, she’s a really nasty piece of work. I’ve not met Sir David Attenborough but he seems pretty awful as well, banging on about the world and how important it is.’
There’s an amusing irony in Coogan talking about horrible, awful pieces of work.
‘I’m not a complete w***er,’ he insisted, though his lengthy, staggeringly self-aggrandising speech suggested otherwise.
He did make one joke that didn’t revolve around himself: ‘In these uncertain times, it’s important to celebrate all that the US and UK have in common, not least the shared cultural experience of having a d*** as a leader.’
But the massively over-exposed narcissist quickly got things back to his favourite subject, ending by talking about himself in the third person – always the hallmark of a truly terrifying ego. ‘I’ll leave you with the words of Ben Stiller,’ he said, ‘who when asked about Steve Coogan’s greatest quality, replied: “His availability.”’
No s***, Sherlock.
Coogan – who repeatedly beseeched the crowd ‘please don’t clap!’ when they weren’t clapping – spoke for a total of 12 minutes, of which 11 minutes were about himself. Even Alan Partridge would have never dared risk such nauseating self-promoting twaddle.
The massively over-exposed narcissist quickly got things back to his favourite subject, ending by talking about himself in the third person – always the hallmark of a truly terrifying ego
By contrast, the legendary martial-arts movie star Jackie Chan, receiving the Worldwide Contribution To Entertainment Award, spoke briefly, without autocue, and from the heart.
And he skewered Coogan with a delicious verbal karate kick. ‘I don’t have a great speech like Steve,’ he chuckled. ‘You speak long long, all the time. And everything you say, I don’t understand, sorry.’
The cameras cut to Coogan forcing a grin as the audience roared. A-ha!