Jana Hocking: Inside the creepiest and most disturbing DMs I’ve received

I’m not sure if you got the memo but Instagram is the new dating app. Nope this isn’t a debate, it’s a fact.

I’ve got three friends right now who met their partner after someone was brave enough to slide into the others DMs. Heck the last two blokes I’ve dated slid into mine. So, say bon voyage to wedding speeches that begin with ‘we met over tinder but told everyone we met at work **giggle giggle’ and replace it with ‘she posted a thirst trap and I responded with fire emojis’. It’s happening people.

With more than 800 million users worldwide, and 300 million of those watching stories every day, the world is basically your oyster. Note to self: start wearing lip gloss on stories.

As a small aside, perhaps that could explain why so many affairs are happening now because lord knows enough of you married folk slide into mine. But that’s a whole other article!

Let’s look at the facts, using insta as a dating app is a no-brainer for many reasons. Firstly, you can find out if you have any mutual friends and if so, turn to them for a full background check. You get a better sense of their personality. Are they out hiking every weekend? Boozing? What’s their hangover Uber Eats order of choice? Do they spend a lot of time with family? Who are their friends – or more importantly – which of their friends have you already slept with.

That’s why I want to focus on how to do it right, because my inbox is a fascinating read of the good, the bad, and the very worst pick up lines. Safe to say you lads really need to work harder on your DM slide ‘methods’!

So come with me as I dive deep into them and show you some examples of DMs that instantly gave me the ick. Warning: I’m about to be blunt.

1. Being too creepy or thirsty. Here are some examples of blokes who reek of desperation. Play it cool lads…

2. Not getting the message that I’m not interested. I promise you everyone ventures into the ‘other’ folder in their DMs. If you’ve sent a message, it’s been read. So, if you don’t get a response, I’m afraid it’s a classic case of ‘They’re just not into you!’ Here is a guy who is basically having a conversation with himself:

3. Asking really dumb questions. I get that it’s hard to start a conversation with someone, but for the love of God put in a little effort. If you ask something dumb don’t expect to get an answer. My personal pet hate is when I post one of my articles with a link and a bloke writes ‘What’s this one about?’ Just click on the damn link!

4. Just sending emojis with no chat. Ooooh you sent me a heart emoji, here let me take off all my clothes and jump into bed with you. Snore! (Spoiler alert: That’s never going to happen!)

5. Dad jokes. They physically make me cringe and I instantly assume you were not blessed with a proper sense of humour. Oh yeah, and they really make you sound old. Safe to assume a date with you would be filled with awkward fake laughter and a quick exit.

6. Liking a million photos in a row. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great for our engagement levels, but just like the creepy/thirsty message it makes you look way too eager.

7. Dick pics… just no! Why do blokes think we’re flattered that we gave you a boner? Oh congrats, you were born with a penis. Let’s date! Sigh.

Now in the spirit of giving, here is a list of DOs:

– Post a thirst trap. Sure, we all cringe a little but trust me they work! Especially if you’re an ex of mine and you’ve got haaawt. Knock knock, who’s that at your DM door? It’s ME!

– Like three of their pics in a row if you’ve just started following them. But, and I state this firmly, definitely no more than three pics. It shows you’re checking them out, but not going to deep. Sure, I’ve gone back at LEAST a year into your pics but I’m certainly not going to let you know that.

– Flatter a girl. Every Monday I host a ‘Tell Me A Saucy Secret’ questionnaire. If you tell me you’re excited about it, or that the pictures I’ve chosen for the pics are bang on it will really put a smile on my dial. If you can see someone has put a lot of effort into something they’ve posted, why not throw a compliment their way. Works like a charm! Seriously, I went on a great date with a guy who did that.

– Ask them a question about something they’ve just posted. Another guy I went on a date with slid into my DMs asking about my family’s farm I had just posted a picture from. He mentioned he grew up in the country as well, and already we had a mutual interest. Find similarities people and go from there.

So scrap the apps and dive deep into the DMs and you may just find yourself a winner!