The Apprentice and CBB star Jessica Cunningham has revealed she suffered a miscarriage last month, while expecting her first child with boyfriend Alex Daw.
Taking to her blog, the mother-of-three, 30, revealed the heartbreaking news which came just two months after the devastating suicide of her ex-boyfriend Alistair Eccles, with whom she has her children, aged six, four and three.
In her post, entitled ‘And Then There Was Nothing’, she revealed just two weeks after discovering her baby news, which she thought would be ‘the light at the end of the tunnel, she discovered the tragic loss.
My queens: The Apprentice and CBB star Jessica Cunningham has revealed she suffered a miscarriage last month, while expecting her first child with boyfriend Alex Daw
Last month, Jessica unveiled a letter she penned to her children about the death of their father. Three months after the 35-year-old committed suicide at his home in Burnley, she launched her site, in which she addressed their loss for the first time.
She has now returned to the blog to announce her heartbreaking news – which was made all the more devastating by her hope surrounding their baby.
In the post she penned: ‘A couple of weeks after finding out we were having a baby, I started with brown spotting. I instantly started to panic, then instantly started to GOOGLE THE S**T OUT OF THE INTERNET.
‘I found out that this could be ‘Implantation or Breakthrough bleeding’, ‘perfectly normal’ or ‘the start of a miscarriage’….
Finding the right words: Taking to her blog, the mother-of-three, 30, revealed the heartbreaking news which came just three months after the devastating suicide of her ex-boyfriend Alistair Eccles, with whom she has her children, aged six, four and three
Devastating loss: Her ex-boyfriend Alistair Eccles (pictured) took his own life in August
‘In the middle of all the sadness, we had been feeling as a family for the past couple of months, the universe (so I believed) had sent us the most precious gift. A baby…
“We started to get excited, choosing names, guessing what we would be having, downloading the ‘baby centre’ app to see what food the baby is the size of and starting to see some form of light at the end of the tunnel’.
Going into details about the shattering loss, Jessica revealed she was ‘scared to go to the toilet’ as she ‘knew deep down it was a miscarriage’ – yet admits she was desperate to believe she was ‘an exception to the rule’.
She explained the miscarriage lasted three days and occured shortly after she had told friends and family about her joyous news.
Jessica wrote: ‘The miscarriage lasted three days. We did another test which came up ‘not-pregnant’. Just like that, it was gone. That was the most painful part of it, only three days earlier it read pregnant and now it was gone.
Tough to explain: She explained the miscarriage lasted three days and occured shortly after she had told friends and family about her joyous news
Queen 1: Jessica is keen to surround her children with love during their lives
Queen 2: She has vowed to protect them and help them understand the suicide when they’re ready
‘I felt like my body was broken as well as my mind. I questioned why, why did this have to happen, what is the Universe trying to tell me. What lesson does the universe want me to take from this?
‘What was the purpose of this pregnancy, surely there had to be one? I felt humiliated telling my friends that I had miscarried as only a few days before I had told them I was pregnant. I wondered if it was something that I did, or if I could have prevented it.
‘I then started to realise sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes things just happen that are beyond our control and things that we can not change. The only control we have is how we choose to act and react to whatever life throws at us. When I realised this, all of a sudden I felt different. I felt for the first time in months that I had a clear mind.
‘I let myself feel sad, but not for long, because there were so many more reasons to smile. I smiled for my children, my relationship, our health, the roof over our heads, my family, friends and just being here.
Queen 3: Jessica previously said that she and her ex maintained a strong relationship after their split
New love: She explained the miscarriage lasted three days and occured shortly after she had told friends and family about her joyous news (pictured with Alex)
‘S**t things happen in life, tragedy, death and things we will never know the answers too. But time is a healer and time needs its time.’
Her blog, ‘Mother Of Maniacs’ or ‘MOM’ pays homage to her ‘three queens’, her daughters, and addresses a new way of living, she says.
Last month, after she launched her website, it was her boyfriend Alex who she had a special message for again, this time via Instagram.
She wrote: ‘I just want to thank this wonderful man – Alex who has been an absolute rock to myself and the three queens. Two months ago hearing the news of my children’s fathers death, instantly made me review my life and understand how precious life is and that we are only here once.
‘I knew that I just need to be where my children are, I knew that I didn’t want to continue in reality TV, I knew that happiness comes from where the heart is and I understood that happiness, love, family and friends are what make you rich and feel successful. I am so grateful I have my family and our health.
Life has changed forever: Jessica’s life as she knew it has changed forever
‘Writing for Mother of Maniacs has made me feel like a new person on the right path on my journey. I hope you enjoy it.’
Jessica, who also starred in Celebrity Big Brother in 2016, speaks of her anguish about explaining the death to her three young daughters – aged six, four and three – with a heart-wrenching sign off: ‘My beautiful girls, you grew up way too soon.’
Jessica’s ex-partner Alistair was found on a Friday morning in August when he was due to collect his children from their mother’s house but what followed ‘changed their lives forever,’ Jessica writes.
‘You were all still sleeping silently and innocently in bed without a care in the world. Too little to understand the true extent of what had happened, and too young to deserve this unfairness of life.
Tribute: On Tuesday afternoon, after the website launched, Jessica thanked her boyfriend Alex in a sweet tribute
‘One by one as I heard your tiny footsteps come down the stairs, my heart sank deeper into the pit of my stomach knowing I would have to tell you that daddy would not be picking you up this morning.
‘Even writing this letter and re-living those moments, I see you clearly and remember how much smaller you seemed.’
She says she asked her ‘beautiful children’ what they knew about death, and they said: ‘When we die, we go to heaven, we sit on a cloud and we wave to the people we love.’
Jessica continued: ‘I wanted you to remember a day a little less painful, so we went on a walk and we talked about life and death. About heaven, about the clouds, about our souls and what we believe happens when we die.’
Focus on family: The brunette talked about the heart-wrenching moment she had to tell her girls that their dad would not collect them, on the morning he was found dead
And addressing the moment that she told them about their father’s death, Jessica recalls: ‘The pain in your eyes, the noise of your cry and the feeling of helplessness when I held you tight made me more determined to give you all that I have and be all that you need.’
The TV star explains her torment over the decision to let her children say goodbye to their father, following his death, and how she was certain it was something they would not regret.
On understanding his suicide, she added of her children: ‘When the time is right, you will understand what happened and that he took his own life. You will know that it was not your fault, that you, nor I, could change what happened.
‘That sometimes it’s just too late to save those that don’t know they need help. That the path to destruction is often unseen, and a person can walk with many, but feel so alone, so they search for a high that life can not give.’
Promising to surround her children with love, she goes on: ‘The void may never be filled from the loss of your father but I will help you to make the right choices, I will be the best teacher I can, and you will lead happy and normal lives. I promise you that.’
Stepping back: Jessica (here in April) went on to explore the life of a ‘z list celebrity’ she says on her blog, after starring on The Apprentice and Celebrity Big Brother
Entrepreneur: She already has a successful fashion business, The Prodigal Fox, which earned her a spot on The Apprentice in 2016 (pictured in green, with Lord Sugar – centre – and the other contestants)