Kate Ferdinand admits she still bears the emotional scars of her miscarriage

Kate Ferdinand has revealed she still bears the emotional scars of her baby loss after suffering a devastating miscarriage last year.

The former TOWIE star, 31, opened up on the latest episode of her Blended podcast on Wednesday, admitting that although she is currently feeling good, she had a rocky first trimester due to constant anxiety about being pregnant again.

The reality TV personality explained while she still finds ‘every scan terrifying’ due to her past experiences, pregnancy loss has changed her ‘outlook on life for the better’.

Kate and footballer husband Rio, 44, lost a baby last summer after discovering there was no heartbeat during a 12-week scan. 

She is stepmother to Rio’s three children Lorenz, 15, Tate, 13, and Tia, 11 – whose mother Rebecca sadly died after a battle with cancer in 2015 – and the couple also have a son named Cree, two, together.

Kate said: ‘I’m pregnant, I’m so happy about it. I was so worried and anxious about being pregnant after the loss.

Tough time: The former TOWIE star, 31, and footballer husband Rio, 44, lost a baby last summer after discovering there was no heartbeat during a 12-week scan (pictured this month)

‘Right now, I feel quite good. The first trimester it was up in the air a lot because Rio was away and you’re not getting the kicks or the movement.’

The television personality admitted to grief specialist Zoe Clarke-Coates that the scans are extremely anxiety-inducing for her.

She said: ‘Quite a few times [in the first trimester] I went for an emergency scan thinking something was wrong and I was not in the best headspace. 

‘Every scan is still terrifying. The minute you sit down on that bed is freaking scary. 

‘The minute you sit down on that bed you think ‘what’s going to happen’. Despite all of that, I’m trying to turn what I’ve been through into gratitude.’

The star, who is expecting a baby girl, revealed that the gratitude approach has made it easier for her and she has been able to enjoy her pregnancy despite her wobbles.

Kate also revealed how loss has impacted her, changing her ‘outlook on life.’

She said: ‘Loss has changed me for the better because I’m not glad it happened but from that I’m trying to make it as positive as possible.

‘I never thought I’d be sitting here saying that in the early days. I didn’t think I’d be able to be happy.’

The star also shared that losing a baby has helped her understand her family more, after seeing them go through grief.

Kate explained that she conceived after she and Rio tried for a baby for a few months and she experienced some symptoms for two weeks.

But she admitted that trying took its toll on her: ‘I said I can’t do this every day. I’ve got a good life and I’m happy but I’m feeling let down every month, I said let’s just have a break and I’m getting myself in a state.’

After she ‘stopped worrying’ about it and was told not to stress, it worked and she fell pregnant.  

Nerves: Kate said: ‘I’m pregnant, I’m so happy about it. I was so worried and anxious about being pregnant after the loss’ (pictured in hospital last year after the miscarriage)

Kate also admitted that she has been more tired in her second pregnancy, something that Zoe said can stem from anxiety. 

She said: ‘I’m so much more tired. I’m in the second trimester and I’ve been exhausted. 

‘I was fighting that a little bit but I’ve thought I need to rest where possible. 

‘You must think I’ve got my s**t together when i go to the gym but when I can nap I will. I feel really different this time.’

Zoe, who founded the Saying Goodbye charity after losing five babies herself, went on to offer her own advice to those who are struggling after loss.

She said that those pregnant after loss should: ‘Take it a day at a time. You’re not going to be able to imagine how you feel. You’ve got to go through it and face it day by day.’

The grief specialist added: ‘The other scenario is being too scared to try again and for those people I’d just encourage them to talk about their feelings and their emotions.

‘Good counselling and good therapy can make a world of difference. Just being able to say I feel strong enough again is a big step for many.’

Kate and Rio have been together since 2016 and tied the knot in Turkey in September 2019.

She has spoken openly about the challenges she faced becoming a step-parent to Rio’s three children, after his first wife, Rebecca Ellison, died of breast cancer in 2015.

In May 2022, the former TOWIE star admitted she worries about the ‘big kids’ more, adding that the love for a stepchild is ‘even sometimes more intense.’

The podcast host detailed the ‘instant love’ with your biological offspring before adding: ‘I feel the love of a stepchild is even sometimes more intense, because you’ve worked so hard to get there and I find myself probably overdoing everything.’

Kate added to The Sun: ‘I worry about the big kids so much more. There’s a different kind of worry that comes with children that have lost a parent.’ 

Family: Kate is stepmother to Rio’s three children Lorenz, 15, Tate, 13, and Tia, 11, and the couple also have a son named Cree, two, together