Once you reach a certain age, the conventional wisdom says it’s time to leave silly things like flirting and sex behind — or at least to preserve a dignified silence about your love life.
But a new study suggests that the status quo may not suit everyone. It found more than half of over-65s would like to have more sex. So, is sex in later life something to be celebrated and encouraged — or a subject best left behind a (closed) bedroom door?
This week, Oscar-nominated actress Lesley Manville argued that older people should be more open about their love lives, saying: ‘You can have a lover at 60. You don’t have to be shoved in a corner in a cardigan doing knitting.’
But what’s the truth about love and relationships for older women? Is it a barren wasteland of celibacy — or are today’s modern, middle-aged women enjoying more romance than ever before?
Here, two women with very different opinions have their say . . .
‘WHEN YOU’RE TIRED OF SEX, YOU’RE TIRED OF LIFE’
By Linda Kelsey
Linda Kelsey (pictured), 65, says it’s a myth that people over 60 are no longer interested in sex. She argues the idea of older women wanting sex should be normalised
Hurrah for an older woman finally speaking up about the possibility a 60-plus woman can actually have a fantastic sex life. Now this may come as a shock to some, but strikes me — as a 65-year-old with a not-dead-yet libido who came of age during the sexually free Sixties — as blindingly obvious.
To mis-quote Samuel Johnson, I believe that when you’re tired of sex, you’re tired of life.
Ask my frisky friends of the same age and most of them feel the same. Admittedly, it is those who’ve embarked on new relationships in their 50s and 60s who are most vocal about their love lives.
But I happen to know that the glow on the faces of these formerly forlorn divorcees and widows of a certain age comes not from HRT or cosmetic surgery, but the life-enhancing lift of finding a lover.
We may be post-menopausal, but it’s a myth that needs busting that we’re no longer interested in sex.
Being past what some would call our ‘sexual prime’ does not mean we are sexually past it altogether. A great many of us are still sexually active, even if it’s more of a weekly treat than a daily smorgasbord.
That a recent survey found half of older people wish they were having more sex is terribly depressing — what a lot of wasted opportunity.
Just a quick glance at the website Gransnet — a chat board for older women — suggests not everyone is missing out.
‘Thank God for HRT and retirement — it’s better than ever (aged 58),’ says one poster.
‘I don’t care who’s programmed to do what or when,’ says another.
‘I’ve been married for nearly 40 years and have no intention of giving up our siestas and weekend lie-ins.’
I believe we need to normalise this idea of older women wanting sex, be public about it, so older people can enjoy their sexuality rather than be embarrassed or ashamed of it.
Liz Hodgkinson (pictured) questions the challenges of finding a fanciable partner over 60 and says pillow talk would be difficult with someone from another generation
This has nothing to do with encouraging women to be cougars, those predatory oldies who prey on young men (though good luck to them if that’s what takes their fancy).
This is about the joy of sex regardless of your age.
My friends and I talk a lot about sex, although sometimes the conversation is rather more prosaic than it used to be. Viagra often comes up (as it were). Female aids are a hot topic. And we giggle over things like the use of strategically placed cushions to alleviate the pain of a dodgy hip. Or whether we can still bear to do it with the lights on, knowing that our less perky parts will be on show.
That’s why the Netflix series Grace And Frankie is such a winner for those of us no longer enjoying our first flush of youth.
These 70-somethings, in the shape of Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, looking for love and sex and having a laugh about it is a tonic for older sexually interested women who feel like freaks.
I have a hunch it’s the young rather than the old who are missing out on a sex life. They may even be a tad envious of us ancient yet active folk.
In order to have good sex, you have to feel good about yourself
Last week, in fact, my partner of ten years sent me a silly and mildly sexy text message. The problem, though, is that he’s rather better between the sheets than he is with new technology.
I never got the message — but his daughter, the mother of a toddler, for whom a good night’s sleep rather than an explosive sex life is the holy grail, did.
She was not amused.
When a friend’s daughter, single and in her early 30s, moved in with my friend and her new husband, she found they had to rein themselves in, sexually speaking.
One night, though, her daughter let herself in through the front door to hear noises she’d rather not have.
It was embarrassing all round, but it also struck my friend as ironic — and a little sad — that she was enjoying a healthy sex life at a time when her daughter didn’t even have a boyfriend. Many older women are powering through their later years. And it’s a sexy feeling to know you’re still a force. Lesley Manville may have been a successful, home-grown actress for decades, but it’s only now she’s hit 60 she’s becoming a global superstar.
Linda (pictured) believes sex is good when you feel good about yourself
One of my best girlfriends has just done a Masters degree in her mid-60s and after 30 years of marriage to a man who decided to abandon ship, has found herself a lover. ‘The sex is so good,’ she confided, ‘that sometimes it actually moves me to tears.’
In order to have good sex, you have to feel good about yourself. Now that so many women in their 60s are still working and working out, engaged with the world and learning new skills, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that sex is still on their agenda.
For every grumpy old woman who regards sex as a burden or is grateful for a husband who is no longer sexually interested in her, I can show you a woman who’s having a good old time sexually speaking. I know which (sexual) position I’d rather be in.
‘STOP BOASTING, LADIES— YOU’RE JUST NOT GETTING ANY’
by Liz Hodgkinson
It seems that wherever you turn these days, older women, and especially celebrities, are talking about sex.
The latest is 61-year-old Lesley Manville, who plays the frosty, disapproving and far-from-sexy sister to dress designer Daniel Day-Lewis in the new film Phantom Thread.
She told the Radio Times ‘you can have a lover at 60’ — a great idea, of course, but wishful thinking for most of us.
The fact of the matter is that for the majority of older women — and men — amazing sex, or any sex at all, just isn’t happening.
Liz (pictured) revealed she’s given up finding a suitable lover following the death of her last partner 14 years ago
It is all fantasy, a wish fulfillment, a hankering after the young, or even middle-aged, arousal and desire that has sadly vanished from our lives for ever.
Now nobody likes to think that they are past it, and hinting at a wonderful sex life without going into details is the best way of preserving the myth that you remain astonishingly youthful and vibrant, the envy of your contemporaries — whose own sex lives have now become but a distant dream.
So let’s look at the reality. If you have been married for half a century to the same person, it is highly unlikely you are going to find each other sexually irresistible any more.
Indeed, most long-married people tell me their sex lives disappeared decades ago.
And if you are single, female and over 60, the chances of finding somebody new with whom to have wonderful sex, even if you are a famous film star, are almost non-existent. If you are just an ordinary woman, forget it.
My experience, and that of most of my single female friends, is that beyond a certain age, there is nobody out there for us. We may be raring to go, but where are the potential lovers?
For some time since my partner died 14 years ago, I tried to find a replacement, a witty, intelligent, attractive man with whom to share my declining years, and yes, with any luck, to have some mutually satisfying sex — even if we could not be so athletic as in our younger years.
We may be raring to go, but where are the potential lovers?
I thought there must be plenty such around, widowed, divorced or single older men who had plenty of life left in them and who were looking for an adventurous relationship.
But I drew a blank and have come to the dismal conclusion fanciable men in my age group don’t exist. For whereas many women nowadays look fantastic in their 60s, 70s and beyond, the same cannot be said of the men.
As I go to the gym every day, I have the opportunity to observe older men in various states of undress, in their swimming trunks or ancient shorts.
And they are not a pretty sight, I can tell you. They are either rather overweight or thin and spindly, bent over the treadmill, grimly going through their paces as advised by their doctor, no doubt.
And these are the men who go to the gym! At least they are trying. Whatever must the ones who don’t go to the gym look like with no clothes? I’m not sure I want to find out.
In any case, most available older men are looking for somebody to take care of them in their old age. Either that or they are hoping for a rich widow.
For that’s another thing. Although men in their 60s and 70s are eagerly signing onto dating sites, none of them have any money. So even if sex was not on the agenda, there would be no possibility either of hedonistic weekends away or round-the-world cruises.
One might ask, if all the men of my age are so decrepit and poverty-stricken, what about an enthusiastic younger lover? True, the sex might be better — or actually have a good chance of happening — but what would the pillow talk be like?
For sex, however mind-blowing, is only one aspect of an intimate relationship. You also want somebody with whom you can share ideas and life experiences, and that is not easy with a lover of a different generation.
It wouldn’t feel appropriate, anyway. I have two sons in their late 40s and cannot imagine that they, or any of their mates, would be wild with excitement at the prospect of a sexual liaison with a 70-year-old woman— however well-preserved.
No, the ones who are divorced or still single are looking for younger lovers, not vastly older ones.
The Macron syndrome is still a rarity, and although Brigitte Macron is extremely attractive, she still looks like his mum.
As for me, I have long given up. Now, where was that knitting?