After their summer of screaming at each other across Spanish dinner tables, everyone’s back in London.
Victoria and Mark Francis are where they belong, riding around in an open-top Rolls Royce, taking the air, wearing circular sunglasses. They pull into a resident permit holder parking space and discuss how they’re going to wash the filthy sin out of themselves after setting foot in Ibiza over the summer.
Jamie has invested in a silken suit with dragons on it. ‘I think I look a bit like a magician,’ he enthuses. Magician/Geisha-inspired drag queen. You decide.
Its back: After their summer of screaming at each other across Spanish dinner tables, the Made In Chelsea cast are back in London
Boys will be boys: Jamie Laing and Alex Mytton (above) are both single, and very excited because now they can have sex with other people and it actually be allowed
He and Mytton, now that they’re both single, are very excited because now they can have sex with other people and it actually be allowed. They tell Proudlock that they’re popping off to a singles fitness class at the park the next day.
‘You get to exercise with a load of single people and touch them,’ Mytton explains, essentially describing dogging.
While Sam pretends he’s interested in Amelia Lily in the Celebrity Big Brother house, Tiff is a new woman.
She’s wearing one of Hillary Clinton’s old campaigning power suits and is looking at a new flat that she would like to buy with her father’s money. Turns out she’s also using the paternal purse to open a vegan restaurant
New start: While her ex Sam Thompson pretends he’s interested in Amelia Lily in the Celebrity Big Brother house, Tiff Watson is a new woman – and plans to open a vegan restaurant
Girls’ best friend: Frankie Gaff, meanwhile, has had less of a severe reaction to her break-up from Jamie and has invested in a puppy
Frankie, meanwhile, has had less of a severe reaction to her break-up from Jamie and has invested in a puppy rather than choosing to enter the world of plant-based hospitality.
Liv is lamenting the dissolution of her friendship with Julius whilst at an outdoor cafe with Toff. ‘I’ve literally lost my best friend,’ she mourns. ‘Yeah, sad,’ is Toff’s not-that-bothered reply.
At this moment, Julius and Fred float past the hedge like a pair of spinster aunts out for an afternoon turn around the park. Hardly even a smile is raised between any of them.
Yeah, sad.
Heartbroken: Liv is laments the dissolution of her friendship with Julius whilst at an outdoor cafe with Toff
Awkward: At this moment, Julius and Fred float past the hedge like a pair of spinster aunts out for an afternoon turn around the park. Hardly even a smile is raised
At the singles kettle bell class (yes, it’s a thing) there’s girls in spandex aplenty for Mytton and Jamie to feast their eyes on. It’s a bit like a Sinitta music video from 1987. One of the girls swinging bells between her legs is called Melanie and she seems very nice and very pretty and turns Mytton into a bumbling mess. Nontheless, with the help of Jamie, they manage to force her into inputting her number into Mytton’s phone.
Having ‘left all her nutrients in Ibiza’ Victoria has hooked herself up to an IV drip of zinc, Vitamin B and oven cleaner.
Mimi comes in with Toff and slags off vegans (aka Tiff) before popping off and writing a scathing article about how veganism is a fad and that when it boils down to it, everyone wants a sausage in their mouths at some point.
Loving every minute: At the singles kettle bell class (yes, it’s a thing) there’s girls in spandex aplenty for Mytton and Jamie (above) to feast their eyes on
New girl in town: One of the girls swinging bells between her legs is called Melanie and she seems very nice and very pretty…
Can’t handle it: …and she turns Mytton (above) into a bumbling mess
Success: Nontheless, with the help of Jamie, they manage to force her into inputting her number into Mytton’s phone
Jamie takes Louise out for red wine and tells her about the singles kettle bell class. She cannot believe her ears that such a thing exists. But this isn’t surprising given that her workouts can only be done if she has a tall muscular man to climb around on. She tells Jamie that he can do a lot better than Frankie and that he needs someone he doesn’t have to ‘protect or look after or feel sorry for’. This analysis of his relationship with Frankie makes it sound like Jamie was dating a French exchange student.
In walks new boy Charlie who has precariously returned to the throngs of London having been holed up in his country pile for the back-end of the summer. Jamie asks what Charlie’s type is, to which he replies: ‘Short, blonde and beautiful.’ Jamie, for example?
Elsewhere, it transpires Mimi has gotten her claws onto Charlie by romancing him via social media. She’s probably talking to a fake account set up by a savvy producer but she’s not to know that.
Wine not? Jamie takes Louise out for red wine and tells her about the singles kettle bell class. She cannot believe her ears that such a thing exists
Moving on: She tells Jamie that he can do a lot better than Frankie and that he needs someone he doesn’t have to ‘protect or look after or feel sorry for
Man of the hour: In walks new boy Charlie who has precariously returned to the throngs of London having been holed up in his country pile for the back-end of the summer
Tiff is raging because she has read Mimi’s blog about how vegans should be lined up and shot. Toff informs Tiff that Mimi also happened to call her ‘disgustingly rude’ just to shove the knife in that little bit more.
Proudlock’s girlfriend is like Maris from Frasier or Ugly Naked Guy from Friends. She’s only ever talked about and never seen. Jamie asks him if he’s bringing her to his and Mytton’s singles party but of course he’s not because she’s not allowed out after 7PM.
They force Mytton to ring Melanie which he does with trepidation. ‘Hi, is that Melanie? It’s that bumbling mess that you met the other day. We went butt to butt,’ Mytton says on the phone. ‘You what?’ is Melanie’s reply, presumably entering the Marble Arch Underpass at the time of answering the phone.
Working her magic: Elsewhere, it transpires Mimi (above) has gotten her claws onto Charlie by romancing him via social media
Hooking them up: The boys then force Mytton to ring Melanie which he does with trepidation. ‘Hi, is that Melanie? It’s that bumbling mess that you met the other day. We went butt to butt’
Liv is photographing Toff up a ladder in a library for her Strong Woman Of Chelsea 2018 Calendar. Tiff’s sitting around texting, clearly having not been asked to participate in the shoot. Julius walks in to iron things out with Liv and they both cry and don’t resolve anything but all we really want to know is whose library it is exactly…
Everyone’s looking thoroughly furious and unapproachable at the singles party, wearing masks and glaring at one another.
Mimi is going around pretending that releasing her anti-vegan blog as the Watsons are planning on launching their restaurant was purely an unfortunate coincidence. Toff isn’t having any of it and has a stern word with her about it.
Uh oh: Liv is photographing Toff up a ladder in a library for her Strong Woman Of Chelsea 2018 Calendar when Julius walks in to ‘iron things out’
Bad to worse: They both cry and don’t resolve anything
Not happy: At the singles party later on, Toff has a stern word with Mimi about her words against vegans
Exposed: At this point, Charlie and Daisy (who is hoping to ‘go riding’ with Charlie soon) bump into them and it comes out that he and Mimi have been dancing the digital fandango
At this point, Charlie and Daisy (who is hoping to ‘go riding’ with Charlie soon) bump into them and it comes out that he and Mimi have been dancing the digital fandango.
Clearly no longer worried about Sam and their emotional connection, Mimi asks Charlie what he likes to do for fun, to which he replies ‘I don’t know’. Come on Charlie! Do you enjoy playing XBox for example? Mimi asks him if he likes to ‘wine and dine’.
Daisy is FUMING and implies Mimi ‘gets around’. ‘She likes to dabble,’ she says, at which point Toff reveals to the world that Mimi has only ever slept with one person. Which presumably is Sam in Ibiza, no? Suddenly we all care much more about this than any potential love triangle between Mimi/Charlie/Daisy…
Awkward: Clearly no longer worried about Sam and their emotional connection, Mimi asks Charlie what he likes to do for fun, to which he replies ‘I don’t know’
Scathing: Daisy is FUMING and implies Mimi ‘gets around’. ‘She likes to dabble,’ she says
Shock: Toff reveals to the world that Mimi has only ever slept with one person. Which presumably is Sam in Ibiza, no?
As Mark Francis and Victoria stare, appalled, at women with spray-painted gold bums, a girl called Saffron falls through the door in a red dress, brandishing a champagne flute. Turns out she’s the one Julius had sex with in the early days of his romance with Ella. She’s a bit like a young Nigella Lawson, only without a meat tenderiser.
To Mytton’s relief, Melanie shows up. He is a MESS around the girl and it’s actually quite sweet/pathetic.
Firmly on the warpath, Tiff storms through the party looking for Mimi to ask her why she has written a blog about how all vegans should be locked in an abandoned warehouse that’s due to be demolished the next day by the borough council. Mimi insists it wasn’t aimed at Tiff’s family’s new restaurant and that she actually really respects cows, heiffers and bullocks alike.
Bumbling along: To Mytton’s relief, Melanie shows up. He is a MESS around the girl and it’s actually quite sweet/pathetic