Oh dear, could someone get a neighbour to pop round and check on Madonna? It’s now been five long months since the start of lockdown, and while most 62-year-olds have settled into a routine of gardening, napping and a daily grapple with the Countdown conundrum, it seems the grand dame of pop has other ideas on how to keep herself amused.
Her briefings, from her £6 million house in Lisbon, to her 15.4 million followers on Instagram have included naked soliloquies delivered from a rose-strewn bath, to stripping down to her underwear for medical updates and posing with a joint on holiday in Jamaica.
Should we be worried? JULIA LAWRENCE takes a look at the increasingly whacky world of ‘Me-Donna’, who won’t let a piffling pandemic and a dodgy hip get in the way of incessant attention-seeking.
A vague version of vogue at 3am: March 20. Stay safe! Be creative! urged the queen of pop, as we skidded towards lockdown. Did she mean get your watercolours out of the garage or start writing a novel? Not quite. Just take your mobile to the bathroom at 3am to sing a bizarre version of Vogue — about fried fish and pasta — into your hairbrush
Pop star does preach: March 22. As the world panic-bought toilet roll, where was Madonna? In a bath, rose petals covering her modesty, giving a sermon on Covid-19. ‘It doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how funny you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are, what amazing stories you can tell,’ she said. ‘It’s the great equaliser and what’s terrible about it is what’s great about it.’ The rest of us just worried who’d clear up the soggy petals afterwards
It’d be car-azy for you to go driving! April 30. Tapping away on an old manual typewriter — in her favourite black lacy bra — she announced she’d tested positive for the virus. It’s been a year of medical dramas: her Madame X tour was cancelled due to hip, knee, then Covid concerns. But you can’t stop her. ‘I’m just going to go for a long drive in the car. I’m going to . . . breathe in the COVID-19 air,’ she announced. Hide her keys
I’m still top of the bots! May 12. Good news! Madonna has got a date for the ‘regenerative treatment for her missing cartilage’ that’s been giving her serious grief for the past eight months. And what better way to share this exciting news than to strip down to her see-through knickers and black corset and post a few pictures of her extremely pert derriere on Instagram? Surely a doctor’s note would have sufficed
American pie-eyed with a quarantini: May 14. A cheeky gin in a tin after a hard day home schooling? Not if you’re Madonna, she turned booze o’clock into a global event (attracting 258,000 ‘likes’) by donning a coquettishly tipped hat and full make-up to enjoy a quarantine cocktail — an elegant, extra dry martini — complete with three olives. Cheers
Madame X-rated strikes a pose: May 23. Lockdown has been a great time for sorting out old photo albums. There’s been some truly heart-warming finds: christenings, weddings, nostalgic black and whites of long-departed relatives — and, if you’re Madge, X-rated throwbacks of yourself posing with your legs akimbo in a translucent bra and thong. ‘If anyone is offended in any way by this photo, then I want to let you know that I have successfully graduated from the University of Zero F**** Given,’ she wrote gleefully
Moves to get into the groove: May 26. Every night is party night in Madonna’s lockdown house. Dicky hip and knee be damned, our favourite sexagenarian donned leather cap and voluminous satin disco trousers to deliver a one-legged dance — and still managed to look more agile than most women half her age — even those who love to get Into The Groove in the kitchen
Lourde-ing it over her ex Carlos: June 22: What better way to send an inspirational message to single mothers everywhere — and take a swipe at your ex while you’re at it around Father’s Day. Posting a picture of herself and daughter Lourdes, 23, (whose dad is Cuban personal trainer turned actor Carlos Leon) Madonna wrote: Happy Father’s Day to Me and to every parent out there doing their best to Nurture, Guide, Inspire and Teach.’ Ouch
Material not important to this girl: July 7: Another day, another semi-naked photo opportunity. Madonna decided to show the world how well she is coping walking with crutches, by putting on a sparkly black hat and a pair of gym knickers, to glower seductively into the mirror for a selfie. Her pins may be out of action, but she’s still determined to be seen as a pin-up
A stretch too far with her physio? July 16. Madonna puts her 26-year-boyfriend Ahlamalik Williams through his paces as she practises some physiotherapy stretches (at least we hope that’s what they’re doing). By the look on the youngster’s face, however, we’re not the only ones finding this display somewhat cringeworthy
Pink roses… and grey roots! August 9: Her birthday is only a week away but Madonna cannot wait to share her special day with the world — saying that, from today, ‘every day is my birthday’ as she tucks into pink roses — and shows the grey of light under the blonde
Holiday – taking time to celebrate: August 16. After months in lockdown, Madonna escaped to Jamaica for a 62nd birthday blow-out with her family. With a giant fan and floral dress, images show her celebrating with Ahlamalik and her twin seven-year-old daughters, Stella and Estere. The singer was then presented with a birthday cake by son David Banda, 14, and daughter Lourdes, 23. However, son Rocco, 20, whom she shares with ex-husband Guy Ritchie, was nowhere to be seen
Is she up to hanky panky in Jamaica? August 17: Is that what we think it is? Never one to shy away from controversy, Madonna posed with a suspicious-looking hand-rolled cigarette, some green herbs and large cigarette papers the day after her birthday celebrations in Jamaica — just in case anyone might be thinking she was considering maturing gracefully. This is Madonna remember, not a chance