It’s a conundrum that authors, sexologists and hack podcast hosts have been trying to solve for decades: What is a suitable punishment for cheating?
Well bad news to the aforementioned, you’re all fired (yes you, Brittany Hockley and Laura Byrne) because Married At First Sight solved the dilemma once and for all on Tuesday night.
So shout out to Hayley Vernon and David Cannon, for teaching us that you can sleep around all you like, as long as you’re willing to quite literally eat s**t for it later.
But before that, let’s get the second half of meet the (neglectful) parents week out of the way.
Solved! On Tuesday night, Married At First Sight solved an age-old dilemma: What is a suitable punishment for cheating? Before that though, meet the parents week continued…
Chris and Vanessa
Steaming: Fuming: We opened with Vanessa, complaining to producers about how Chris has left her to cook lunch for the whole family
We opened with Vanessa, complaining to producers about how Chris has left her to cook lunch for the whole family.
‘Are ya absolutely, 100% sure ya DON’T WANT ME TO HELP?’ Chris asked.
‘No honey-babe, I’m fine. I was going to burst into tears at some point today anyway – thought it was better that it was an onion’s fault for a change.’
Here to help: ‘Are ya absolutely, 100% sure ya DON’T WANT ME TO HELP?’ Chris asked. She said no, so he went to the gym. Will Chris ever learn that ‘no’ means ‘YES’?
‘Okay then, well if ya SURE,’ he said, grabbing his bag of illegal protein powders and ducking off to F45.
Speaking to producers later, he explained: ‘Yeah nah, kitchen is like a release point for Vanessa an’ that. She gets a kick out of it.’
Cut back to Vanessa, using a machete to smash an avo.
Chris brought his sister along to lunch, who talked herself up like a real Michael Goonan, saying how she was going to blow the lid off the couples’ tension.
Sister act: Prior to lunch, Chris’ sister was talking up a big game about how she’d get to the bottom of the tension. All she did though was yell ‘AWKWARD SILENCES’ about two hours into a quiet lunch
But all she did was yell ‘AWKWARD SILENCES’ about two hours into a lunch that had about as much energy as a state funeral.
In fairness it did work. Seconds later, Vanessa finally addressed the elephant in the room.
‘Chris, if you don’t find me attractive, then let’s just leave.’
Is she gone? Chris just closed his eyes and hoped the problem would go away
Inside, Chris thought: ‘Well I don’t, but this is planet earth so I’ll just close my eyes and hope the problem’s gone when I open them again.’
And the problem was gone – not just from lunch, but from the entire show.
There goes the Protein World sponsorship, Chris
It worked!? And it did, for good. There goes the Protein World sponsorship, Chris!
Cathy and Josh
The story of lunch: Cathy: ‘Oh boo-hoo I ignored Josh for three days because he threatened to leave
Cathy was still angry at Josh for daring to have a conversation with Hayley at the dinner party.
Lunch with the family went like this:
Cathy: Oh boo-hoo I ignored Josh for three days because he threatened to leave.
Josh: Oh sook, sook, I already dobbed on you to mum so she knows all about it.
Josh’s scary mum: Listen here, Kate. If you ever ignore my son for three days again, they’ll be your last three days. Got it?
The Mummy Mafia: Josh’s scary mum: Listen here, Kate. If you ever ignore my son for three days again, they’ll be your last three days. Got it? Cathy got it
Cathy: I get it. You’re the Godmother of the Mummy Mafia and I need to hire security.
The second the parents were out the door, Cathy and Josh jumped on the table for some wild makeup sex.
‘Someone’s happy to see me!’ Josh grinned.
‘That’s a potato salad, babe, I’m over here,’ Cathy replied.
Who wants dessert? The second the parents were out the door, Cathy and Josh jumped on the table for some wild makeup sex
Natasha and Mikey
Swipe left: The biggest story here was Natasha turning all of Australia against her by sending a message to Mikey using that insane ‘swipe typing’ method. Disgusting
The biggest story here was Natasha turning all of Australia against her by sending a message to Mikey using that insane ‘swipe typing’ method. Disgusting.
Elsewhere, we learned from Natasha’s mother that ‘Tash is like an onion, except if the first three layers were two-faced liars who make jokes at other’s expense to advance their social status.’
‘You just have to peel back the layers to find the half-decent human being inside.’
I think it’s safe to say 10 seconds is all Natasha is going to get. They’ll be gone by the weekend.
Natasha’s are like onions: Elsewhere, we learned from Natasha’s mother that ‘Tash is like an onion, except if the first three layers were two-faced liars who make jokes at other’s expense to advance their social status’
Aleks and Ivan
Perfect match! John Aiken take a bow. The one couple they threw together for the drama have turned out to be a perfect match
John Aiken take a bow. The one couple they threw together for the drama have turned out to be a perfect match.
Lunch was getting too boring for national TV, so Ivan’s infamous mum went full Kyle Sandilands and started asking them specific questions about their sex life.
‘So who’s banged?’ Lunch was getting too boring for national TV, so Ivan’s infamous mum went full Kyle Sandilands and started asking them specific questions about their sex life
‘Do you find it assists in one’s relationship with each other? I think it’s the key to a healthy relationship’ she said.
‘Intimacy isn’t as important as communication, dear,’ interrupted Ivan’s dad.
Jesus, way to expose your own problems, Ivan’s parents.
Get your own show: ‘Intimacy isn’t as important as communication, dear,’ interrupted Ivan’s dad. Jesus, way to expose your own problems, Ivan’s parents
The cheating scandal
The main event: The highlight of the episode came via a DIY selfie video from David: ‘I’ve just found out that Hayley is in Darling Harbour, making out with Michael,’ he said
The highlight of the episode came via a DIY selfie video from David.
‘I’ve just found out that Hayley is in Darling Harbour, making out with Michael.’
They aired a preview hinting at the shocking twist in the case – but Hayley has been whinging about it in Facebook fan groups for months, so let’s just talk about it.
After David finds out, he enacts revenge by using Hayley’s toothbrush to clean the toilet for the next ‘several days’.
The shock twist: They aired a preview hinting at the shocking twist in the case – but Hayley has been whinging about it on Facebook fan groups for months, so let’s just talk about it
Call it disgusting all you like, but this payback is genius.
‘Gazza, I love you, but so help me God if you ever cheat on me…’
‘You’ll leave? But what about the children?’
Foul taste in Hayley’s mouth: After David finds out, he enacts revenge by using Hayley’s toothbrush to clean the toilet for the next ‘several days’
‘No! I’ll just make you eat your own s**t for three days.’
‘Right, well in that case I’ll just a PornHub premium subscription and some soundproofing for the shed.’
Hayley and David, saving marriages Australia wide.
Married At First Sight continues Wednesday at 7:30pm on Channel Nine
Genius: It’s disgusting, but also genius. Not even Tiger Woods would have cheated if he knew the punishment was ‘eat your own s**t for the next three days’