A man who watched his brother die has swapped his studies in law to become an end of life doula.
Toby Lee-Manning, 25, who hails from the Home Counties, has a love for clubbing and good music like any other young adult, but that’s where the similarities end.
The young care assistant has chosen an unusual career path by training to provide specialist support to those who are approaching the end of their life.
Toby’s journey started with caring for his brother Owen who was born with severe cerebral palsy, which left him confined him to a wheelchair and unable to talk, needing care 24/7.
He died two years ago after suffering breathing difficulties, and Toby said that spending happy times with his brother before he passed away taught him how death can become a more positive experience.
‘A death doula is just somebody that helps somebody die well. To die happy, rather than die in conditions that are not happy with,’ he explained in a BBC Three short film.
Toby Lee-Manning, 25, is training to be a ‘death doula’ which involves training to provide specialist support to those who are approaching the end of their life
Toby’s journey started with caring for his brother Owen (pictured with Toby) who was born with cerebral palsy, a severe life-limiting disability which confined him to a wheelchair and unable to talk
‘Being 25 and a male, I am pretty different to all the other people training to become a doula because like many other work with compassion base, it’s mainly women fulfilling that role.’
Toby’s journey started with caring for his brother Owen who was born with severe cerebral palsy, which left him confined him to a wheelchair and unable to talk, needing care 24/7.
He died peacefully at home in 2016 aged 20 and for Toby, who helped his parents to care for him, it was spending his last few months together that helped him to have a ‘good death’.
‘We had the last three or four months together where we would see him every day and play video games together and hang out.
‘I think that’s a large reason why we had a good death because we could see it was happening and I could really savour the time that I had with him.’
A doula isn’t a doctor and doesn’t provide medical care and are traditionally present at the birth of a child, but End of Life Doulas are individuals who help those who are dying, and their families, to feel safe and supported, as they make the transition from this life to what’s next.
Toby said what he learned from caring for his brother was invaluable: ‘Being able to hold the space and have conversations and support people and have fun. I would say it’s the core to my tool kit.
Toby says in the BBC Three documentary: ‘Being 25 and a male, I am pretty different to all the other people training to become a doula because like many other work with compassion base, it’s mainly women fulfilling that role’
Toby helped his parents care for his brother Owen who needed 24/7 care. Toby said that he was able to ensure Owen had a ‘good death’ by spending time with him in the last few months before he passed away
‘A large part of the doula role is about [the person’s] own relationship with death and feeling comfortable talking about what does come afterwards and their spirituality and their past life experiences.’
Toby said his family were open about death especially as they knew Owen would likely die young due to his condition.
Toby and his mother had been discussing whether they should perform CPR on Owen if he were to stop breathing, it was the same night that he would pass away in his bed.
‘I think people in the west tend to be scared of death, there’s definitely an uncomfortableness around death, which from my experience doesn’t need to be there,’ he said.
Another important person in Toby’s life is his brother’s 23-year-old best friend Matthew, who has been instrumental in helping him to practise how to care for someone during his doula training.
Toby, who is also a care assistant, spends time with Owen’s best friend Matthew, 23 (pictured) who is also confined to a wheelchair but isn’t dying. Toby takes Matthew out to feed the ducks and helps him have fun and enjoy his life
Matthew is also confined to a wheelchair, but is not dying, and Toby spends time with him to make sure he enjoys his life as much as he can.
‘Coming to this role so early in my life is unusual because there are so many experiences that I don’t know anything about or could possibly comprehend’ Toby reflected.
‘But being willing to learn and explore all this about myself and other people is really the driving factor that is important in this sort of work.’
Toby hopes people will be more open and talk about death rather than when it is too late in life.
‘Death isn’t something I feel should be feared the way that it is. Death is something that you can roll out the welcome mat and you can accept and appreciate.’
Toby’s BBC Three short film ‘I’m training to help people die well’ is available to watch on BBC iPlayer now