‘Tell our agents we love them!’ screamed the escapees, as they were crash-tackled to the ground and dragged kicking and screaming back into their toxic relationships.
Welcome to the Married At First Sight commitment ceremony, where you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave if the other person writes ‘stay’.
And what a glorious sight it was to behold, as our cast of job-seekers-turned-fame-seekers learned that the road to Instagram followers is paved with real tears.
I’m an (Instagram) Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! Welcome to the Married At First Sight commitment ceremony, where you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave if the other person writes ‘stay’. Pictured: Natasha Spencer
First, I do apologise for some of the absolute babble below – deciphering this lot is like finding trying to find a Botox needle in a cray-stack.
Second: I’ve only covered the remotely interesting decisions below.
Vanessa and Chris, Stacey and Michael, Aleks and Ivan all voted to ‘stay,’ surprising nobody.
David and Hayley
The issue: None. David and Hayley couldn’t wipe the smiles off their faces as they plopped themselves down on the couch. What a difference a (fetish) week makes. Decision: STAY
David and Hayley couldn’t wipe the smiles off their faces as they plopped themselves down on the couch.
What a difference a (fetish) week makes.
John Aiken: ‘Wow, I’m stunned. Last week, we were ready to enact Nine’s “Lisa Wilkinson protocol” and confiscate your swipe cards. What changed?’
Hayley: ‘Only thing that needs to change is your attitude, Eddie.’
John: ‘Um, It’s John.’
Hayley: ‘Whatever. I said last week I was a good egg and this week my husband finally learned that good eggs love being scrambled.’
(Translation: ‘We like rough sex.’)
David and Hayley: ‘So lock in STAY, thanks Eddie!’
John: ‘For the last time: I am not Eddie McGuire and this is NOT Hot Seat.’
Hayley: ‘Umm, phone a friend?’
Josh and Cathy
The issue: These two had their first fight at the dinner party, after Josh forgot to tell Cathy that Hayley had lightly touched his arm.
Cathy: ‘Josh blinked in another woman’s direction last week and now I’m really triggered because of all the men who have cheated on me before.’
Josh: ‘I’m really triggered because she keeps saying “triggered”.’
This clearly triggered Cathy, because she burst into tears.
This, in turn, triggered Dr. Trisha Stratford to spout some rubbish about how smells are involved in being triggered or something. I wasn’t listening.
Decision: STAY.
Triggered! Cathy’s constant use of ‘TRIGGERED’ triggers everyone else. Decision: STAY
Mikey and Natasha
The issue: Mikey and Natasha 2ent back to the drawing board after nearly leaving last week – but the love fest only lasted about two days – or 1 day, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 50 seconds longer than Mikey lasted in bed
The issue: These two went back to the drawing board after nearly leaving last week, but the love fest only lasted about two days.
That’s one day, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 50 seconds longer than Mikey lasted in bed.
Mikey: ‘Everything was going great until Natasha sex-shamed me over my ten-second misfire at the dinner party.’
Natasha: ‘Far out, it was just a joke!’
Michael Goonan (standing up from his seat holding a megaphone): ‘THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!’
Mikey: Everything was going great until Natasha sex-shamed me over my ten second misfire at the dinner party. Natasha: Far out, it was just a joke!
Michael Goonan (standing up from his seat): That’s what she said!
Mikey votes to leave but Natasha chooses to stay.
John: ‘You know what that means?’
Literally the whole of Australia: ‘Leave before this toxic situation turns nasty?’
John: ‘WRONG. Studies show that the best way to get a ratings spike next Sunday is to strip someone of their human rights this Sunday. So you’re staying another week!’
This really is the craziest, cruelest stunt in the book. Let the bloke leave.
The decision: Mikey votes to LEAVE but Natasha votes to stay. In the real world, that means Mikey gets to leave. On this cruel show, it means Mikey has to STAY another week
Mishel and Steve
The issue: Mishel, 48, is an adrenaline junkie who’s being held captive by a man with a brain that lives in a retirement home and a haircut that lives out the back of an illegally parked station wagon in Byron Bay
The issue: Where do we start?
Mishel, 48, is an adrenaline junkie who’s being held captive by a man with a brain that lives in a retirement home and a haircut that lives out the back of an illegally parked station wagon in Byron Bay.
Mishel: ‘I’ve written a list of all the things that Steve has banned me from doing.’
Steve: ‘Dammit, I forgot to put “lists” on there.’
The BAN list: Mishel reveals she’s written a list of everything Steve’s banned her from. Steve’s ropeable because he forgot to put ‘lists’ on there
Mishel: ‘I hate you, I’m out of here!’ *Votes leave*.
Steve: ‘So if I vote “stay”… that’s like me banning her from leaving for a week, isn’t it?’
John: ‘Effectively, yes.’
Steve: ‘In that case, STAY!’
Mikey: ‘Join the club, Mishel.’
The plan: Mishel votes ‘stay’. Steve realises that he can now vote ‘leave’ and effectively ban her from freedom. Well played Steve, you cruel, cruel man
Amanda and Tash
The issue: Amanda and Tash fell in love at the wedding and fell out of love the next day, after Tash learned Amanda was loud and Amanda learned Tash was vegan. They should have left last week
The issue: They fell in love at the wedding and fell out of love the next day, after Tash learned Amanda was loud and Amanda learned Tash was vegan.
Amanda spent the week trying to convince Tash to stay, and Tash spent the week trying to convince Amanda that soy bacon doesn’t taste like vomit.
Amanda: ‘You haven’t once tried, Tash, you can’t come into an experiment like this and then half-a**e it for the fame!’
Everyone else: ‘Yes, you can!’
What’s changed? Nothing. Amanda spent the week trying to convince Tash to stay, and Tash spent the week trying to convince Amanda that soy bacon doesn’t taste like vomit.
Hayley, who considers herself the Oprah Winfrey of Frankston, then interrupted to offer some advice.
Amanda: ‘Shut the f**k up, Hayley!’
Tash (rolling her eyes): ‘This is what I’m talking about. You’ve caused more damage to my ear drums than the over-farming of cattle has caused to the ozone layer.’
Here comes Hayley! Hayley copped a ‘shut the f**k up! from Amanda, after she tried to chime in with some words of wisdom, but realised she doesn’t have any
Amanda (rolling her eyes): ‘THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.’
Then, in the only moment that felt real all night, Amanda tearfully apologised to the gay and lesbian community.
‘This relationship is not a reflection of all gay relationships. There are a lot of good, functioning gay couples out there,’ she said.
FINALLY: Then, in the only moment that felt real all night, Amanda tearfully apologised to the gay community: ‘I think Married At First Sight were really hoping we were going to do justice for the gay community at large,’ she said
‘I think Married At First Sight were really hoping we were going to work and that were were going to do justice for the gay community at large.
‘But we were just another couple, and it just didn’t work. It’s that simple.’
Well said Amanda. If only the rest of this insane show was as simple as that.
Married At First Sight continues Monday at 7:30pm on Channel Nine
The truth: ‘But at the end of the day, we were just another couple, and it just didn’t work. It’s that simple.’ Well said Amanda. If only the rest of this insane show was as simple as that