Parents have been shamed online for admitting feelings of ‘disappointment’ after finding out the gender of their unborn babies, but researchers claim it’s ‘very normal’.
The conversations around gender disappointment are always awkward and parents like MAFS star Martha Kalifatidis and Australia’s most well-know paramedic Nikki Jurcutz have been publicly shamed for starting them.
But research by antenatal and postnatal psychologists suggest that gender disappointment is a very common feeling.
It is most often experienced by expecting mums when they learn they are not having a daughter, but can be felt by all parents, siblings and people in the babies’ life.
Experts say that as soon as people imagine having a child, narratives of what that child and their lives together would look like start to form.
Martha Kalifatidis (pictured) has revealed she was ‘devastated’ when she found out her unborn child is a boy the star is expecting her first child in March with her husband Michael Brunelli
Paramedic Nikki made her post alongside this heartbreaking picture of her disappointed eldest daughter
It is believed that the expectations are built from a woman’s own experience and relationships.
Those wishing for a girl may have grown up with sisters and no brothers, always identified as a ‘girly girl’ and want to share the feeling or those who had a difficult relationship with their mum and want to repair it.
The feeling of gender disappointment are often intermingled with shame as many people feel judged as they are perceived to not be appreciating their baby, however experts say that feelings of gender disappointment do not negate the gratitude and joy women feel for their child.
Australian paramedic Nikki Jurcutz previously urged people to be more open and honest about gender disappointment after finding out her third child would be a boy.
She has since found out there was an error and the baby is a girl – but her family publicly shared their feelings of grief and loss before the mistake was found.
While MAFS star Martha Kalifatidis also revealed she was disappointed after discovering her baby was a boy after ‘dreaming of a life with a girl’.
But it’s not just high-profile parents who admit to feeling disappointed after finding out the sex of their unborn babies.
In 2021 Ashely Cesare, 21, found out she was pregnant with twin boys.
She was devastated as she had always dreamed of having a little girl and was hoping for a boy and girl when she found out she was expecting two babies in August 2021.
The stay-at-home-mum, from New York, couldn’t hide her disappointment when only blue confetti fell on her and her fiancé, Heath Boyle, 27, who works in construction, during their gender reveal.
Dads can also feel gender disappointment.
One man rose to internet fame after his face dropped when he found out his baby would be a girl, during his backyard gender reveal party.
Martha Kalifatidis revealed she was ‘devastated’ when she found out her unborn child is a boy.
The MAFS star is expecting her first child in March with her husband Michael Brunelli.
She shared a video of herself and Michael discovering the gender of their baby on Instagram this week, and expressed her sadness that the baby would not be a girl.
‘I’ll be so honest with you guys. At the beginning, I was devastated like I was so upset. It took me a few days to like come to terms with it,’ she said.
According to experts, gender disappointment is a very normal and under-discussed feeling for expecting parents.
To reveal the gender of their child, Michael gifted Martha a ring which the couple had requested a jeweller to inlay with blue jewels for a boy and pink for a girl (pictured)
Martha and Michael celebrated their three year marriage after meeting for the first time on Married at First Sight in 2019.
The Sydney-based couple both shared a video compilation of the moments leading up to finding out their child’s gender.
The video played voice recordings of the ultrasound and family and friends guessing the baby would be a boy.
‘I don’t want to know if it is,’ Martha said.
However, when the sex was confirmed both parents and family members were cheering and embracing with joy.
Speaking to KISS FM’s Will & Woody Martha revealed that she was ‘100 per cent sure’ the baby would be a girl, something she had been waiting for her whole life.
The eight-month pregnant influencer had already been searching baby girls clothing and was excited to welcome another girl into the household.
Michael gifted Martha a ring which the couple had requested a jeweller to inlay with blue stones for a boy and pink for a girl.
The blue ring revealed the baby’s sex.
‘It’s a boy,’ Michael could be heard saying in the video when Martha opened the jewellery box.
One father-to-be’s reaction to the revealed gender appears to be less than impressed compared to the other party guests (pictured)
‘Oh my god, it’s a boy,’ Martha gasped.
Paramedic Nikki, who runs the Tiny Hearts social media accounts, found thousands of supporters when she revealed her own gender disappointment.
The results were wrong however, and weeks later she found out she would in fact be having a girl.
At the time she courageously admitted she, her husband and her daughter were all feeling ‘sad’ when they found out the sex of her unborn baby.
The Tiny Hearts Education founder has been very open about her pregnancy journey, including suffering losses, so is no stranger when it comes to embracing ‘taboo’ subjects.
‘It’s a taboo topic for sure but last night 11k people admitted that they experienced it, whether it was a slight ohh or severe disappointment, and another 6k said they only didn’t because they got what they wanted but otherwise would have,’ the mum wrote in a post on Instagram.
She added that the numbers came from her own poll and represented 65 per cent of participants – proving it is ‘very real’.
‘We wanted a little girl, for many reasons and that’s ok, and it’s ok to feel sad that we are saying goodbye to that idea. The sadness you feel can coexist with excitement,’ she wrote in the post alongside a picture of her very disappointed eldest child.
‘We were sad that our little girl didn’t get the dream of a little sister, that we couldn’t give aunties, uncles and grandparents a girl, in a sea of boys.’
Nikki is due to welcome her son in June, and says the gender disappointment ‘absolutely coexists with love, joy and happiness’.
‘Above all, all we truly care about is a healthy baby and we feel blessed.’
She also asked people to be kind.
‘Remember, we all walk life in different shoes, we have different life experiences and this forms the people we are and our perspectives. Some are more privileged than others, I acknowledge that.’
‘So for some it’s completely incomprehensible to have these feelings and that’s ok. I certainly got some heated messages through last night but I’m not about to tell those people not to feel their feelings, because that would be hypocritical of me but what I will say is that just because you didn’t experience it or don’t understand it, doesn’t mean you have the right to minimise how others feel,’ she said.
Nikki has been very open about her pregnancy – and also about experiencing loss in her journey to complete her family
‘We have to stop telling women that we should or shouldn’t feel a certain way. We don’t always feel what we expect or want to feel, that’s life.’
She went on to reveal she learned that most people don’t react in the ‘expected or accepted’ ways.
‘I’ve seen people silent, when you’d expect hysteria, I’ve seen people laugh when you’d expect crying, I’ve seen people disassociate when you’d expect euphoria,’ she said.
‘Humans are complex and if we all aim to be accepting and allow people to feel their feelings without judgement, we are doing important work towards modelling emotional intelligence for our little ones.
She also shared this grab in her stories – showing the raw reality of the situation
‘Gender disappointment is real, it can affect partners and kids, it’s ok and it will pass.’
Nikki’s long post was met with enthusiasm from her followers, many of whom thanked her for her raw honesty.
‘Thank you for sharing this. It’s so hard to put into words sometimes for friends and family to understand, I personally don’t like the word gender disappointment because the stigma of the word ‘disappointment’ makes people think we are disappointed in the babies we are currently pregnant with or the babies we have which is so hard to explain. I like to call it gender grief because it’s grief over mourning a child you may never have’ one woman wrote.
‘Just because you wanted a gender doesn’t necessarily mean you love your baby any less or would trade them. Thanks for being brave,’ said a second.
Others shared their own experiences with gender disappointment.
‘Someone put it to me like this ”I’m not sad to have a boy, I’m grieving the daughter I’ll never have and the dreams l’ve had for her my whole life” it hit the nail on the head for me and made me feel a lot less guilt. I love my boys and I never cared if I had boys. I just really wanted a daughter too,’ one mum wrote.
‘I am a girl mum to two beautiful babes. I absolutely adore them both with everything I have but mourn the fact I’ll never have a boy,’ another added.
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