My father is a wonderful grandfather to six – all little ones under the age of 10 – shared between me and my elder brother.
Dad is great at playing with the children, but never buys them any gifts – he has set them all up with pensions!
We’ve got a very open relationship so I’ve mentioned that he might want to see them happily playing with toys he’s bought them, but he says no, it would mean more to him to know they are settled for life long after he’s gone.
He is a widower and I know my mother would have just loved to spoil grandkids with gifts at Christmas and birthdays and enjoyed seeing their little delighted faces.
How can I persuade him to treat them now?
It is important to respect grandparents’ freedom to be generous in their own way
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I think it’s important to acknowledge the incredibly positive things before we turn to your concerns. You have a father who you have a good relationship with, who has a good relationship with his grandchildren. He plays with them, it sounds like he gives them time, attention, love and money. Your father is showing a great deal of generosity to you and your brother in more ways than just the financial.
So, I think we need to be curious about why a part of you is upset about him not spoiling the kids.
Could this be about you wanting to reconnect with memories of receiving presents from your grandparents? Or maybe you never did receive presents from grandparents and want your children to have a different experience?
Ask yourself if you are upset by this because of your own longings rather than looking at it from your father and your children’s point of view. Or is this about your longing for your mother, missing her and what she would have ‘brought’ to your children (beyond the toys)?
It’s important that you respect your father’s freedom to be generous in his own way, because he could perceive you as controlling if you dictate how he should be generous. His generosity has a good intention – it is done in the spirit of giving something valuable to his grandkids (and him pleasure) when done in this way.
It isn’t unusual for grandparents to be thinking about the legacy they want to leave, and so his giving in this way is not only good for the children, but may be addressing his own anxieties, worries or even simply desires about the legacy he’ll leave behind. Your mother might have expressed her altruism through presents, which is generous in a different way.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal recommends asking yourself if you are upset because of your own longings rather than looking at it from your father and your children’s point of view
He is giving them the gift of financial security rather than toys. They will value the pension (later in life) much more
You have already approached him and discussed this, which means he knows what you want, but he is of a different opinion. He is giving them the gift of financial security rather than toys (which I am guessing they are not deprived of).
Children will remember and value their grandfather playing with them more than the toys they received or played with, and they will value the pension (later in life) much more than the toys that are long gone.
What matters is that he isn’t substituting money for showing love: he is giving them both.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
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