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OLD OBORNE offers an Almanac imagining 2018 

It’s been a year of turmoil, with the Conservatives losing their majority in Parliament, and Brexit negotiations descending into mud-slinging and threats. What might the next 12 months hold? Here, the Mail’s political seer, Old Oborne, offers a very tongue-in-cheek Almanac imagining the political twists and turns of 2018. 

January

Fed up with coalition politics in Germany, Angela Merkel accepts an offer to become President of the EU Commission, allowing the bibulous Jean-Claude Juncker to try to clear his name over a spy scandal in his native Luxembourg.

Jeremy Corbyn launches a new Labour Brexit policy, in which the UK will remain part of the European Single Allotment.

When his speech is greeted with a large raspberry, he performs a U-turn, adding that heartless Tory austerity is leaving allotment owners homeless and hungry.

The Guardian newspaper makes its first appearance as a tabloid after spending tens of millions on presses it now deems surplus to requirements.

Doyenne of the Left Polly Toynbee appears on Page Three, but only to celebrate the victory for feminism that saw The Sun scrapping its own Page Three. The Guardian maintains its full quota of misprints. On day three it apologises for an error in the apologies on day two.

February

Numerous Brussels wine merchants petition for bankruptcy following Juncker’s hasty departure. Meanwhile, after Theresa May is not seen in public for three days, the police receive a tip-off to search George Osborne’s freezer.

They find only several dozen frozen pasties donated by Greggs as thanks after he scrapped the ‘pasty tax’ following his 2012 ‘omnishambles’ Budget.

The same month, Osborne is replaced as London Evening Standard editor by Hannibal Lecter, and the paper’s Brexit coverage becomes more balanced.

The BBC publishes a post-Brexit forecast from the King Lear Institute, which predicts that leaving the EU will lead to ‘such things what they are yet I know not, but they shall be the terrors of the earth’.

March

Surprise appointment of Herr Juncker as BBC Chairman. He promptly stars in a three-hour TV special in which he comes clean on EU plans for a multi-national army, new Brussels power-grabs and a Single European Cheese.

The Bitcoin bubble bursts, with the price for one Bitcoin crashing from $14,000 to $1.25 in a week. Speculators turn to a new ‘strong and stable’ currency, the tulip.

The Oscars are delayed by the search for a male presenter not accused of sexual harassment by a woman tweeting under the ‘MeToo’ hashtag. Paddington Bear is chosen, but the ceremony is derailed when a winners’ envelope is found to contain a marmalade sandwich.

The Oscars are delayed by the search for a male presenter not accused of sexual harassment by a woman tweeting under the ‘MeToo’ hashtag. Paddington Bear is chosen, but the ceremony is derailed when a winners’ envelope is found to contain a marmalade sandwich

April

The Hubble Telescope discovers intelligent life on Planet Zarg, 25 million light-years away. Donald Trump proclaims Jerusalem the capital of Zarg.

The Economist, C4 and Financial Times jointly interview a fiscal expert from the University of Broadstairs, Sir Wilkins Micawber, who warns that ‘post-Brexit, nothing will ever turn up again’. All three media outlets argue that Brexit must now be reversed.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin wins a new term of office against the United Unknown Opposition candidate, Marshal Musik (deceased). Putin’s majority slumps to 98 per cent, causing him to complain of Western interference.

May

STUNG by complaints that their wedding clashes with the FA Cup Final, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle move it to Wembley Stadium — with guests arriving in a fleet of coaches — and exchange vows to the strains of Abide With Me.

A racy limerick from Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson (‘There was a young android from Zarg, whose **** was remarkably large …’) wrecks plans for a post-Brexit trade deal with Zarg. The Economist, C4 and Financial Times denounce Boris, and publish a post-Brexit forecast by the new Apocalypse think-tank. Johnson suggests the promised ‘lake of fire’ could actually solve Britain’s energy problems.

Word seeps out of record profits for wine merchants near the BBC HQ in Portland Place.

The North Korea crisis is solved after President Trump orders a ‘shock-and-awe’ bombardment of Pyongyang with Giant Big Macs and obese dictator Kim Jong-un (below) eats himself to death.

The North Korea crisis is solved after President Trump orders a ‘shock-and-awe’ bombardment of Pyongyang with Giant Big Macs and obese dictator Kim Jong-un (below) eats himself to death

The North Korea crisis is solved after President Trump orders a ‘shock-and-awe’ bombardment of Pyongyang with Giant Big Macs and obese dictator Kim Jong-un (below) eats himself to death

He is swiftly replaced by another egomaniac Kim — Ms Kardashian, who signs a friendship treaty with Trump on their reality TV shows.

Kim Kardashian adds North Korea to her commercial franchises, but some citizens complain that her cult of personality is even worse than what went before.

June

TO SECURE his Middle Eastern legacy, Trump proclaims Jerusalem capital of Palestine, Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, Egypt and Iran. Riots break out in all those nations.

In Britain, Momentum activists take over many local Labour parties, and Labour moderate Gloria Righton, Shadow Secretary for Safe Spaces, is ousted in favour of Corbyn favourite Rita Gaddafi.

England’s World Cup hopes are blighted in the first match against Tunisia by four red cards doled out by Russian ref Sendimoff.

The match is replayed when he fails a drug test, but England again suffer at the hands of new referee Vladimir Putin (relation).

July

MRS MAY sacks Chancellor Philip Hammond, who rushes out his autobiography. His publisher titles it Fifty-One Shades Of Grey and on the cover uses the Mail’s quote that it is ‘sheer torture’. Readers buy the book in droves but instead of Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain, they find Hammond’s Red Box of Sorrow.

Panama win the World Cup after it is discovered that all the world’s best footballers have moved there as a tax dodge.

August

Trump proclaims that America’s National Vegetable will be the Jerusalem Artichoke.

There’s a state visit to Britain by reforming anti-corruption zealot Prince Salman of Saudi Arabia.

He signs a new £10 billion deal with an aerospace firm for the supply of ‘ethical weapons’ for his war in neighbouring Yemen.

Mrs May assures Jeremy Corbyn that Britain has delivered a strong protest against Saudi actions in Yemen: it is discovered on a Post-it note in the downstairs servants’ loo in the royal palace in Riyadh.

September

EUROVISION is won by Russia’s entry, Vlad All Over, by the Dave Clarksi Five Hundred Thousand, but votes cast in many countries are traced to a computer algorithm in Nizhny Novgorod.

On Zarg, astronomers are sacked when they claim to have found intelligent life in the White House.

October

Mrs MAY triumphs at the Tory conference, which attracts record sponsorship from the makers of Strepsils and Benylin. More shock deselections of Labour moderates — Animal Rights spokesperson Peta Fakefur is replaced by Corbyn favourite Rosa Klebb.

November

Trump’s tweets win him the Nobel Prize for Literature. The committee praises ‘his ability to create and sustain a magic realist world of total fantasy in the shortest number of words’. He accepts the award, but mistakenly flies to Jerusalem to receive it.

Princess Meghan is pregnant. The couple say they intend to raise the first ‘gender-fluid’ member of the Royal Family.

December

After months of referendums, Catalonia secedes from Spain. Flanders leaves Belgium, Gozo leaves Malta, Avignon leaves France and rejoins the Papacy. Lapland leaves Finland and makes Santa Claus its President.

Mrs Merkel keeps them all in the EU by giving them their own commissioner and job quotas.

She also announces that everyone in the EU will work for the EU — their wages paid by British taxpayers. Brussels abandons the euro in favour of the tulip. Greece soon crashes out of the tulip, but regains prosperity under an online crypto-currency, Virtual Olive.

Momentum claims another scalp: Jeremy Corbyn is sacked after being photographed popping into Pret a Manger for a cappuccino. ‘He’s become just another capitalist lackey in a suit,’ says activist leader Mark Cyst.

Mrs May asks David Davis to step aside as Brexit Minister. His replacement is Anne Robinson. She totally outwits Brussels chief negotiator Michel Barnier — who becomes known as ‘Le weakest link’ — and even the Financial Times admits the final exit terms are a triumph.

Mrs May asks David Davis to step aside as Brexit Minister. His replacement is Anne Robinson. She totally outwits Brussels chief negotiator Michel Barnier — who becomes known as ‘Le weakest link’ — and even the Financial Times admits the final exit terms are a triumph

Michel Barnier will be completely outwitted by Anne Robinson

Mrs May asks David Davis to step aside as Brexit Minister. His replacement is Anne Robinson. She totally outwits Brussels chief negotiator Michel Barnier — who becomes known as ‘Le weakest link’ — and even the Financial Times admits the final exit terms are a triumph

 



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