Ottoman Empire By Train review: Sorry, Professor Alice, but I’d rather be sharing a carriage with Portillo, writes CHRISTOPHER STEVENS

Ottoman Empire By Train (Channel 4

Rating:

There are rules about trains, and it appears no one has told Professor Alice Roberts. It’s not enough to buy your ticket – there’s a dress code.

The archaeologist had a head start, on Ottoman Empire By Train. Her pink hair would be the envy of any dapper traveller. But as for the rest of her outfit… well, let’s just say you wouldn’t catch Michael Portillo in faded black jeans and a zip-up jacket.

With his trusty Baedeker’s guidebooks, Mr P. has roamed Europe by rail for more than a decade and never once let our nation down. He is impeccably natty, in salmon pink waistcoats, lime slacks, banana-yellow blazers – and that’s just his pyjamas.

The kindest thing we can say about Prof Alice’s kit-out is that, with her mismatched brown fedora, she might have been giving a nod to Indiana Jones. 

But if you want to see a fedora worn properly, turn to the master: Portillo sported a splendid cream one with a silk hatband in Andalucia earlier this year.

Trivia, you may say. Stuff and frivolity, flim-flam and persiflage. We watch the professor for her exemplary knowledge of ancient history and her ability to conjure visions of the past from a heap of dusty stones – not for her sartorial sense.

But if she’s not going to dress the part, we’re left wondering why this journey, from central Turkey to Budapest, has to be made by train at all. Surely the camera crew were following by car? Alice could have ridden with them and saved the rail fare, if she wasn’t going to make an effort to dress up.

For Portillo, the journey is as important as the destination. Not only does he go into raptures over the architectural splendours of the stations, but he befriends all kinds of fellow passengers along the way.

So far, the prof has made only one new chum, a Turkish woman who boiled up a couple of pints of coffee in a kettle and shared it around. 

So far, the prof has made only one new chum, a Turkish woman who boiled up a couple of pints of coffee in a kettle and shared it around (Stock Image) 

Abandoned Hejaz train wrecks from the Ottoman era in the Saudi Arabian desert near Medin (Stock Image) 

Moments like that were too few in this travelogue. The history of the mosques was mildly interesting – we visited one in Adana that was originally a Christian church, and another with six towering minarets, built just 25 years ago.

But details were sparse, and there wasn’t much more said about the cluster of neolithic houses at the world heritage site of Catalhoyuk, an early farming community.

Discovered in the 1950s by British archaeologist James Mellaart, this was once home to 7,000 people and many more of their ancestors, since the custom was to inter their dead inside the building. That was worthy of an entire episode, but our visit lasted only a few minutes.

The prof seemed much more thrilled when she ventured into a sweet shop to taste their fresh tahini, made from ground sesame seeds, and discovered a sweet factory in the back room.

She helped the staff to mix barrels of hazelnuts and pistachios into a vat of sticky goo. Turkish Delightful!