Painful Divorce | How to Avoid It and What to Do

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the most emotionally crushing experiences one can go through. No matter the reason, or whether you wanted it or not, divorce can change your life drastically, leaving you with a lot of pain, doubts, and insecurities.

End of a shared dream

Divorce symbolizes not just the end of a relationship, but also the end of promises and dreams associated with the relationship. It is hard to fight the feeling of profound disappointment and failure that is invoked by a failed relationship. Furthermore, you and your spouse will likely reel from the resulting stress and grief for a long time.

Making the right decisions during a divorce

It is important to keep in mind that you can get through these difficult times and eventually be able to move on with a newfound optimism. Only with such thoughtfulness, will you be able to keep your emotions aside and make the right decisions during your divorce. After all, the choices you make will chart the course of your future life.

Given how the decisions you make during a divorce can reshape your future, both you and your spouse should try and prevent the process from being any more painful than it already is. You should try to minimize the pain and suffering of all parties involved.

How can you stop your divorce from turning toxic and painful?

So what are you supposed to do during a divorce? No matter how heartbroken or disappointed you are, with some effort, you can make your divorce less painful.

To keep your divorce from turning toxic and causing lasting hurt, you should try and follow the below-mentioned roadmap. It will prepare you for the hard times ahead and keep you afloat during this tumultuous period.

  1. Be extremely careful while taking the first step

The first conversation you have with your spouse about divorce will lay the foundation for the rest of the process. Therefore, you should be extremely cautious during your initial interaction.

No one decides on divorce out of the blue. There must be things that have led you to this point. However, for your spouse, it may come as a shock. That is why you should tread lightly in the manner in which you broach the subject. Make sure not to bring up divorce in the middle of a fight or an argument. It will only deepen the resentment, and you will be starting the process on the wrong foot.

  1. Remain calm and level-headed

It is easier said than done, but you must not allow your emotions to get the best of you. Even though it is hard to distance yourself from the process emotionally, this is precisely what is required for a less painful divorce. Level-headedness throughout the process will help you avoid conflicts, maximizing the chances for a more cordial divorce.

  1. Be honest with yourself

People often prefer to point fingers at others instead of taking a good hard look at their own worst traits. To avoid pain in the divorce process, you must fight the urge to blame your spouse for everything that went wrong with your relationship. You will have to accept that it takes two people to have a relationship, and thus, two to break it up.

Acknowledge that you both have your fair share of the blame. To pursue the divorce amicably, you will have to focus on the present and the future instead of dwelling on past mistakes. Remember, if you operate with integrity and honesty, you will be able to walk away without any regrets, even if the process doesn’t turn out the way you wanted.

  1. Resolve disputes out of court

It is highly unlikely that you and your spouse are in perfect agreement on all the aspects of the separation. However, if you try hard enough, you can come to a consensus on major issues such as custody, child support, alimony, and distribution of assets. It is particularly important to strive for an out-of-court settlement if there are children involved. Going the traditional route, and putting your children through the mess of legal proceedings could scar them for life. Hence, by avoiding a trial, you can keep your divorce from becoming messy and convoluted.

It’s also a good idea to have an uncontested divorce. This type of divorce is much easier and cheaper than a contested one. You can find more information here:

  1. Figure out what you can’t do without

People often get confused about what they are trying to achieve through a divorce. It is because they don’t introspect and pinpoint what they want. To figure out what you are pursuing in a divorce, you must ask yourself, what are the things that you can’t do without, and where are you willing to compromise. The same introspection is required on the part of your spouse.

This will help you better understand the motivation behind the terms laid out by your spouse and vice versa. Hence, it will position you better to decide the issues you must not budge, and areas where you should compromise and reach a middle ground.

  1. Strive for an uncontested divorce

Your primary aim should be to file for an uncontested divorce. You will also be saving time, money, and energy, making the process a lot less painful. An uncontested divorce is a much more amicable way of separating because the process is shorter and more affordable. By striving for an uncontested divorce, you would be saving your hard-earned money from going down the drain. This money could help you start fresh once you are through with the divorce.

Also, with an uncontested divorce, the process is not prolonged as often occurs in cases involving litigation. But an uncontested divorce can only be pursued if you and your spouse are on the same page about all the key issues. Hence, you must try your best to cooperate with your spouse so that you can have an affordable divorce that causes less pain and anguish to all concerned parties.

  1. Focus on personal healing and recovery

You might think that during such tumultuous times in your life, you should probably put aside everything. However, that is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. To cope with the emotional toll of divorce, you must take care of your physical and mental well being.

By dedicating all your energy and time to what is ultimately a disappointing and draining event in your life, you might rob yourself of the recovery and healing necessary to move on. Therefore, make sure you do not let your life spiral out of control by neglecting essential things such as personal grooming, fitness, and other relationships.

  1. Seek the support of friends and family

Do not isolate yourself from friends and family. Instead of burning bridges, you should try and build new ones. The best way towards recovery and healing from an estranged relationship is to reconnect with loved ones. Share your grief with your parents, siblings, and friends. Rely on them for emotional support and advice. You can pour your heart out to your friends or even seek professional help. Either way, releasing pent-up aggressions will help you avoid a meltdown.

  1. Look at it as a brand new start

You may not attain complete recovery from a divorce until long after the court issues the order. It is likely to take some time for your wounds to finish healing. However, a lot depends on your outlook towards the divorce. By looking at it as an opportunity to start fresh, you can dedicate your mind to figuring out how the next phase of your life should look.

Life is long and unpredictable. You may encounter things that may interest and motivate you to move on and strive for happiness once again. But you will have to give yourself that chance. Instead of focusing on what you lost, try to concentrate on things that you can achieve. Try to think ahead, and imagine how your life could be better in the future. Start working towards that vision. It will provide you with a purpose that will engage your mind and keep it from focusing on negative thoughts.


No one wants to experience pain, but it often is the part-n-parcel of the divorce process. Despite that, you should do your level best to make it as painless as possible. Even though the bitter experience of a divorce may make you feel otherwise, most people are rational individuals deep down. People might act or behave irrationally sometimes, due to emotional insecurities, grudges, or baggage. However, a little perspective can turn things around. For every bitter estrangement, there are at least a 100 cordial separations for you to model. Thus, don’t lose heart or hope.