Psychologist reveals the rules YOU need to remember when trying to give a friend advice

We all have a friend who doubles as our therapist – when we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, or drowning in a sea of misery, we reach out to them for encouragement.

But when it’s our turn to advise them or another loved one, it can be difficult to give equally good guidance – with friendships even sometimes ruined due to the words offered during a tough situation. 

With this in mind, psychologist Dr Carmen Harra, American author of Committed: Finding Love and Loyalty Through the Seven Archetypes, has revealed to FEMAIL the most important ‘golden rules’ to remember when advising the friends closest to you. 

But when is ‘advice’ the right thing to give? What are the limits of the recommendations we’re allowed to make to another person? 

The next time your friend finds themselves in an ordeal, remember these eight golden rules… 

Psychologist Dr Carmen Harra, American author of Committed: Finding Love and Loyalty Through the Seven Archetypes, has revealed to FEMAIL the most important ‘golden rules’ to remember when advising the friends closest to you (stock photo)

NEVER DOWNPLAY THEIR CONCERNS 

‘Even if your friend’s concerns don’t seem significant, recognise that to them they mean a lot,’ said the psychologist.

‘What appears dismissible to one person can cause sleepless nights to another; different people handle things differently.

‘To start, offer verbal acknowledgement to them by saying: “I know how much this means to you” or “I understand this hurt you a lot.”

‘Never invalidate your friend’s feelings or make the issue seem smaller than it is.’ 

PUT MORALS BEFORE YOUR FRIENDSHIP

‘The best answers are ethical in nature; there is no exception to this rule,’ insisted Dr Carmen.

‘If your friend is coming to you with matters that involve wrongdoing on their part (like if they slept with a married person, stole from their boss, betrayed their sister, etc.), gently remind them that such matters never end well.

‘Uphold a sense of morality when counselling your friend; it builds good karma on your end and will save them from more trouble, too. Always offer advice that comes from a clean conscience.’

GIVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION 

The expert explained: ‘If your friend is seeking your advice, chances are they’re in the middle of a crisis and deserve your undivided attention.

‘This means that you should eliminate all distractions as they are explaining the details to you. Put away your phone and turn off the TV; trivial things can wait.

‘Sit and listen to the entire story before you form opinions. For the sake of impartiality, try to put aside your bias of the people involved.

‘For example, if you have a poor opinion of your friend’s boyfriend but he really didn’t do anything wrong this time, don’t place blame on him just because you don’t like him.

‘It’s especially helpful to take time and reflect on all aspects of the story before reaching a conclusion.’

When it's our turn to advise them or another loved one, it can be difficult to give equally good guidance - with friendships even sometimes ruined due to the words offered during a tough situation (stock photo)

When it’s our turn to advise them or another loved one, it can be difficult to give equally good guidance – with friendships even sometimes ruined due to the words offered during a tough situation (stock photo)

PUT COMMON SENSE OVER SENTIMENTS 

‘It’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions when your friend is recounting a dilemma: you might feel angry with them for a mistake they made, irate that they’re suffered an injustice, or deeply empathetic to their pain. You feel this way because you care about them.

‘Even in these moments, it’s important to put common sense over sentiments. As much as you may sympathise with your friend, it will benefit them more to hear the logic of the situation.

REMEMBER YOUR PLACE 

Dr Carmen explained: ‘There is only so much you can do for someone before you exhaust your options. As much as you may care about your friend, you can’t change them (or, indeed, anyone else).

‘As much as it may be obvious to you that their behaviour is detrimental to themselves or others, you cannot force them to behave otherwise. 

‘So if they are choosing to engage in negative or harmful actions that are taking a toll on you, consider taking a step back and letting them learn from their own lessons.

‘Sometimes it’s okay to love people from a distance without implicating yourself in all their matters. At the end of the day, the way we decide to engage our free will is up to us and no one else.’ 

‘In many cases, the answer that leads to the simplest and least convoluted solution is the right one.’

PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR POSITION 

‘The only way to truly understand your friend is to put yourself in their place,’ said Dr Carmen.

‘Before you offer a response, take a moment to think like them: can you see why they said what they said or did what they did?

‘It can be difficult to relate to someone from the outside, which is why it’s imperative to put yourself in their position.’ 

ALWAYS SUPPORT THEIR DECISION (WHETHER THEY TAKE YOUR ADVICE OR NOT)

‘There will be instances when your friend will choose to ignore your insight completely and do the opposite,’ said the psychologist.

‘Understand that their own reasoning led to this decision and respect their personal choices. 

‘Unless it infringes upon your friendship, the ways in which they choose to lead their life should have no bearing on your relationship with them.

‘The mark of a true friend is unconditional acceptance.

ASK QUESTIONS BEFORE GIVING ADVICE 

Dr Carmen suggested: ‘The best kind of advice to give is no advice at all; it is to impart wisdom that leads your friend to their highest truth. Ask questions that can open their eyes to the full spectrum of their problem.

Inquire about prospects they may not have thought of, like, ‘What do you think would happen if…’ and ‘Have you thought of trying to…’.

Asking questions that expand their perception can lead your friend to a version of the truth that most resonates with them. I find that one of the best questions to ask that reaches the core of the issue is, ‘What is it that you really want?’

‘Having friends who come to us for advice is one of the best compliments: it means they trust us with their innermost secrets and place faith in our guidance.

‘The next time your friend seeks your help, keep in mind these eight rules that will lead them to become the best version of themselves under any circumstances.’

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