Psychologist shares tips for dealing with a narcissistic mother

A psychologist has revealed why it is ‘uniquely painful’ to be the child of a narcissistic mother – and shared advice on how to cope with the situation. 

Dr Ruth Ann Harpur, who has a practice based in London, spoke about the issue in a TikTok video with Dr Gurpreet Kaur, a chartered clinical psychologist based in Surrey.

Dr Harpur explained that having a narcissistic mother is especially difficult because children have the expectation that they will be loved unconditionally for who they are as individuals. 

Narcissistic mothers, on the other hand, are likely to view children as extensions of themselves, taking on achievements as their own and seeing ‘failures’ as a reflection of their parenting. 

‘Having a narcissistic mother is uniquely painful,’ Dr Harpur said. 

‘We all hope and expect our parents and maybe especially our mothers are going to love us unconditionally, celebrate us, and launch us into the world with a sense of worthiness and loveability. 

‘That doesn’t always happen. With a narcissistic mother, you might find that your achievements are viewed as an extension of her.

‘She might be highly critical of you. She might be demanding of you, expecting you to basically become the caretaker of her needs.’ 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which individuals are said to have a grandiose sense of their own importance.

However, beneath this facade, individuals with NPD are said to suffer from vulnerable self-esteem; feelings of inferiority, emptiness, and boredom.

In a separate video, Dr Harpur explained that people affected by a narcissist’s behaviour should not take any responsibility. 

‘At the core of a narcissist’s behaviour is deep-rooted shame. It’s a real lack of love and a lack of acceptance of themselves. 

‘People who are high in narcissism have got the message that to be acceptable they have to be extraordinary, and they have to perform in an extraordinary way. 

‘They don’t want to be seen as ordinary, flawed, imperfect human beings with strengths, and weaknesses, and vulnerabilities that they truly are.’ 

It is generally believed that the children of narcissists often suffer from a number of difficulties.

These include having low self-esteem, being a people-pleaser, and having codependent relationships.

While it is difficult to improve a relationship with a narcissistic mother, it is possible. Recovery requires getting to ‘know, love and accept yourself’.  

She explained: ‘I’d like to rephrase that to WHO is going to cope with my narcissistic parent?’

She continued: ‘Is the part of you that sacrifices yourself to take care of them?

‘Is it the part of yourself that’s highly self critical and striving for perfection trying to win their approval?

‘Or is it the part of you that wants to hide for fear of outshining them and being called a show off?

‘If those are the parts of you that come into your relationship with your parents as an adult, nothing’s going to change.’

 Dr Ruth added: ‘If you can nurture yourself as a healthy adult, and you can begin to engage with your parent, adult to adult as possible the relationship will change. 

‘I’m not saying it’s going to change for the better. It may become more distant, but hopefully it will become less fraught for you, and much more manageable.’