Psychologists reveal biggest relationship deal-breakers

Everyone has their pet peeves and traits they avoid when looking for a potential partner. 

But new analysis of a psychological study has revealed that there are six key ‘red flags’ that most men and women say can end any chance of romance, and surprisinly infidelity was not one of them.

The six traits considered the most serious red flags for the men and women surveyed were being ‘gross’, ‘unmotivated’, ‘apathetic’, ‘promiscuous’, ‘clingy’ and ‘addicted’, meaning someone who had an alcohol or substance problem or a criminal past.

The study of US undergraduates looked at how each of these ranked for long-term and short-term relationships and how it varied between men and women.

Unsurprisingly, apathy – meaning a partner being inattentive or uncaring – is the biggest red flag for a long-term relationship among both men and women.

This was closely followed by someone being ‘gross’ – a term which encompasses poor hygiene and being ‘unattractive’.

In third place is ‘clingy’, which the study described as covering controlling behaviour and being overly-jealous.

Addiction is another big turn-off in long-term relationships, whether that be to alcohol, substance addiction or a history of crime.

Lack of motivation, ambition and limited financial prospects is another deal-breaker for men and women when it comes to looking for a long-term connection.

Apathy slipped to third in the rankings when it came to short-term relationships, with a prospective love interest being ‘gross’ 

This was followed by someone being ‘clingy’ what someone intends to be a shorter fling.

But men and women differ on which they think is more of a turn-off in short-term relationships – promiscuity or lack of motivation.

Women still rated unmotivated as less appealing than promiscuous, while men rated promiscuous as worse than unmotivated.  

People who said they were open to uncommitted sex identified to a lesser extent with all the red flags, apart from clinginess in long-term relationships. 

The participants of the survey, conducted in 2015 and re-analysed in a recent article for Personality and Individual Differences (2023), were 285 undergraduates in the US with an average age of 22.

Discussing the recent findings in an article for Psychology Today, Psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner explains that it can be difficult to detect red flags early on, as people try to portray the best version of themselves.

But, he says, it is obviously preferable to catch them as soon as possible ‘and not after a significant bond is formed’, by weighing the pros and cons of a potential love interest frequently and ‘wisely’.

‘How to do relationships right remains elusive. People often have a list of what they want, which, on one hand – identifying desirable traits – makes sense.

Addiction, for example to alcohol or substances, was another factor which put people off dating someone

‘But it also poses the risk of finding someone who “checks the boxes” without stirring greater attraction or connection,’ he warns.

He suggests that the list of factors could help people ‘facilitate positive change’.

This suggests that the research could help people identify potential red flags in themselves, allowing them to avoid displaying unfavourable traits when trying to attract a partner, as well as when looking for a prospective love interest.

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