Relationship Expert reveals the 8 secrets to getting over a former flame

Still pining over an ex-partner when you know the relationship is already long since over? Here’s one expert’s guide to getting over an old flame for good…  

Relationship guru Tina Wilson, founder of global dating app Wingman, has shared her tips on how to forget  a former love.

She tells Femail the dos and don’ts of getting over someone including enjoying a shopping spree or pamper day to cheer yourself up, and resisting the urge to drink the pain away…which will leave you with nothing but a hangover.  

And if you want to successfully move on to better things, you should avoid stalking your ex’s socials at all cost, face reality of life without them and keep yourself  busy to ensure you don’t dwell. 

She added that it is better to pick one friend to confide in rather than rambling on and on about the break-up and your ex to whoever will listen.  

1. DON’T SWEAR OFF FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS 

In order to move on and find a new partner, Tina says you have to keep the faith a new relationship is just around the corner. 

‘By swearing off all future relationships, you are only hurting yourself by limiting your chances of meeting your dream match. Don’t repeat previous relationship patterns if they never work for you too,’ she adds. 

‘While your ex carries on not thinking about you and living their “best life” post break-up, you are letting future love and life pass you by,’ she explains. 

The expert said the ‘sweetest revenge is your own happiness’. 

‘Stay true to yourself and listen to your heart by not letting the experience put you off dating and potentially meeting someone new.’ 

2. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT CYBER STALKING AN EX, EVEN ONCE!

While it’s very tempting to pick up the phone and check on your ex-partner’s Instagram, Twitter or other social platforms, you should avoid this unhelpful habit at all costs.

‘This is not healthy and it will stop you from moving on,’ Tina says. 

‘It is normal to feel conditioned to see what they are up to but they are not your partner anymore so by “checking in” on them from afar, you’ll only continue the cycle of feelings you have for them.’ 

‘Social media stalking your ex is an unhealthy habit you want to avoid. It is very destructive behaviour that will only do you damage. For example, you won’t be able to stop yourself from comparing yourself to their life now and becoming obsessed with their new relationships.’

And Tina adds that comparing yourself yo your ex’s new partner will damage your self-esteem.  

‘As a newly embraced singleton you want to feel empowered and confident and cyber stalking your ex should not be justified.’ 

The expert said the best way to minimise the urge to stalk your ex’s socials is to simply spend less time on social media. If you are having a particularly tough time, it might be good to hide or delete your ex from your accounts to stop the temptation,’ Tina suggests. 

3. FACE REALITY BY KEEPING BUSY

Don’t romanticise your former relationship and let go of the fantasy of what might have been in order to progress, Tina advises.  

‘Keep reminding yourself it is not reality, and you are daydreaming over a version of your ex that is not real,’ she says. 

‘You are imagining your “dream lover” and that is not your ex – otherwise you’d still be together.’

She adds that until you meet the right person, you should always keep this fact in mind. 

‘It is crucial to stop fantasies in their tracks by breaking the habit. Keep busy by planning a fun trip with friends or take up a hobby to keep your mind occupied.

‘Once you break free from the habit of fantasising about them you will be free to enjoy life and open yourself up to all sorts of possibilities,’ she says.  

‘Fantasy life is no life. Concentrate on the now and the joy you get from laughing with friends and spending time with family. Fantasy wastes your precious time.’ 

4. GET ON A DATING APP

While dating someone new might be the last thing you want to do, getting back on the scene as soon as you feel ready is important, Tina urges. 

The expert explains that it ‘can be a very positive experience as well as fun, spontaneous and it can help you to keep your chin up. 

‘A little light-hearted flirting and banter will do wonders for your self-esteem and soul,’ she says. 

It might also help you move on quicker until you are ready to date seriously.  

5. DON’T DRINK AWAY YOUR EMOTIONS

Tina Wilson, pictured, says you should avoid stalking your ex on social media

While films like Bridget Jones’s Diary have popularised the idea that wine will solve all the heart’s woes, Tina says you really should not reach for the bottle if you’re yearning for an ex. 

‘Firstly, it is almost a guarantee that you will think about or actually text or call them,’ she says. 

‘If you feel there are unresolved issues or things you need to say, saying them in an unannounced spontaneous phone call when you have had one too many will not help the situation. 

‘It will only exaggerate your feelings and keep you stuck on your ex for longer.’

She also explains that it is important to assess whether you want to talk to your former flame because you still love them or because you feel rejected and need validation from them.  

‘This can only be accomplished with a clear head and many people feel emotional when drunk so it’s best not to cloud your mind until you feel over them,’ she says. 

‘You should start focusing on healthy habits instead of anything than can lead to self destruction like partying and drinking to excess.’ 

6. GO ON A SHOPPING SPREE

One of the best things you can do to cheer yourself up and boost your confidence is to pamper yourself, Tina advises.  

‘Post break-up you need to feel confident and sexy. Treat yourself to a pamper day, splurge on a new outfit or some nice cosmetics without feeling guilty.’

The expert says retail therapy could be the best way to take your mind off of your ex.  

‘Your new look can boost your confidence too. Although set yourself a comfortable limit so you don’t excessively spend and you can enjoy what you’ve purchased.’ 

7. PICK JUST ONE FRIEND TO CONFIDE IN 

‘No one wants to be the person always going on and on about their ex,’ the expert notes. 

She says talking about a break-up with whoever will hear it could negatively affect your friendship circles with constant chatter about where and why things went wrong. 

‘It is a wise move to pick one good friend to talk things over with to help you heal,’ Tina says.  ‘They will be there for you and help you navigate your emotions as you get over your former flame.’ 

The expert suggests it gives you a chance to enjoy your night out with friends without getting stuck on the subject of your break-up. 

‘Your friends will have been there before too but also will know there needs to be a time when you move on and talk about other things,’ she adds. 

8. WRITE DOWN YOUR FEELINGS

Writing your feelings down in a letter you never send is a great way to express the feelings that are plaguing you.  

‘This process will help finalise your past relationship and get your heart and head to move on. This is a proven helpful tool to get your emotions out there without having to constantly rely on a friend’s ear,’ Tina says.