Operation Red Meat. It sounds like one of those clandestine missions that changed the course of World War II.
Perhaps Boris Johnson has been inspired by the new movie, Operation Mincemeat, which tells the true story of how British spies deceived Hitler into believing what we would today dismiss as ‘fake news’.
In the spring of 1943, they landed a corpse dressed as an officer in the Royal Marines on the coast of Spain.
The body was carrying a briefcase containing papers which suggested the Allies were about to invade Greece and Sardinia, rather than the intended target, Sicily.
Nazi sympathisers in Spain passed the documents to the Germans, who fell for the elaborate ruse and diverted forces away from Sicily to the Greek islands.
As a consequence, the liberation of Europe began successfully with far fewer casualties than anticipated.
Had the plan failed there would have been a bloodbath.
Today, Boris Johnson finds himself under siege, after a series of clumsy own goals. His political future hangs by a gossamer thread.
He may have won important battles against the Covid-19 doomsayers, but he is in grave danger of losing the war.
If he is to survive, he must take a leaf out of the playbook of his hero Winston Churchill, who signed off personally on Operation Mincemeat, despite the risks.
The fightback has been dubbed Operation Red Meat, a long-overdue blitz of proper Conservative policies and values.
I have visions of Boris prowling the Cabinet War Rooms in siren suit and homburg, puffing on a Romeo y Julieta cigar, briefing his most loyal colleagues (and Rishi Sunak). It might go something like this . . .
Boris Johnson is planning an ‘Operation Red Meat’ policy blitz in a bid to win back his backbenches and dampen anger
Now pay attention everyone. We find ourselves under heavy bombardment from the Labour Party, the BBC, even some Fifth Columnists in our own ranks.
Although I have said previously that I have taken more out of alcohol than it has taken from me, it is time to go on the wagon. From this moment forward, booze is banned from the cloisters of Downing Street.
No more Wine Time Fridays, no more sorties to the Tesco Metro in the Strand for another consignment of Vino Collapso. Raab, I want you to dump that fridge in Green Park, after dark.
We will need a clear head for the existential struggle which stretches out before us. Let us therefore brave ourselves to our duties. If this administration is to last for another three years, men will have to say: This was their dryest hour.
No more following the science. Their predictions have turned out to be an inverted pyramid of piffle. We must take back control. Most people stand about as much chance of dying from Omicron as finding Elvis on Mars, being decapitated by a Frisbee or reincarnated as an olive.
Henceforth, all restrictions will be lifted. No more masks, especially in schools, no vaccine passports, an immediate end to self-isolating.
Working From Home will cease from Monday. Any civil servant still refusing to report to the office will be summarily dismissed, without compensation.
As a gesture of goodwill, and atonement for breaches of lockdown at the heart of government, all criminal convictions for infringements of the rules will be rescinded and fines refunded with interest.
We must take the fight to the real enemy. I have already instructed Nadine to freeze the BBC licence fee for the next two years and abolish it altogether from 2027.
Mr Johnson pictured during Prime Minister’s Questions in the House of Commons last week
Who is running Broadcasting House these days — Lord Haw-Haw?
I have informed the head of the NHS that the health service will not receive another penny until there is a root-and-branch clear-out of the top-heavy bureaucracy and an end to the billions of pounds frittered away every year.
It is the job of the NHS to protect the public, not the other way round.
The UK Health Security Agency — formerly Public Health England — will be abolished. We can’t expect hard-working taxpayers indefinitely to subsidise public sector inefficiency, especially at a time when the country is facing a serious cost of living crisis.
To that end, Rishi, you will prepare an emergency Budget scrapping the proposed increase in corporation tax and National Insurance contributions and abolishing VAT on fuel.
It is preposterous that a nation rich in oil and gas reserves is relying on expensive imported fuel to meet our energy needs. And all in pursuit of an elusive Net Zero.
If the Chinese have no intention of cutting carbon emissions, why the hell should we?
The planned closure of existing coal-fired and nuclear power stations will be halted. North Sea oil and gas extraction will start returning to full capacity as of today, and onshore fracking will commence as soon as licences can be issued.
Drill, baby, drill!
The war on motorists is at an end. All temporary cycle lanes and Low Traffic Neighbourhoods, brought in under cover of Covid, will be ripped out. Smart motorways will be scrapped and hard shoulders restored.
We promised to take back control of our borders and we will. Priti, I have asked the Navy to assume command of the Channel shipping lanes and prevent dinghies full of illegal migrants crossing into British territorial waters. They will be returned to France, whether the French like it or not.
On the economic front, we will keep our pledge to level-up the country. The Govester will announce tomorrow that the entire country, north of the Trent, is being turned into one giant freeport — and to hell with Treasury opposition.
On Northern Ireland, we have tried to negotiate with the EU in good faith but this approach has proved futile. Unless Brussels backs down, we will invoke Article 16 without further delay. We did not vote for Brexit only for part of the United Kingdom to remain a satrapy of a foreign power.
I must confess that after suffering a near-death experience myself, old BoJo did go a bit doolally. Eyes were taken off the ball. And for that, I am truly sorry.
It is time for me to take back control, too. The Two Ronnies of Doom are being put out to pasture. Yes, mistakes have been made. But I have learned there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.
The real disaster would be to let that beer-swilling hypocrite Captain Hindsight prosper from our current predicament.
If the Starmer Chameleon had been in charge these past two years, we’d have been in permanent lockdown.
I still believe that I’m the best man for the job, especially if the choice of successor is between Dishi Rishi and Fizzy Lizzie.
Yes, these are difficult times, and stupid mistakes have been made. But as the Great Man said: If you are going through hell, keep going.
As we adapt to living with Covid, it is imperative that we restate our Conservative values. But I am conscious that may not be enough. The people are crying out for some red meat.
Moggster, we need a futile gesture at this stage. It will raise the whole tone of the Government. Pop over to Westminster Bridge, jump in and don’t come back . . .
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