SAUCY SECRETS: I found my wife amazingly attractive until she did one thing that gave me the instant ick. I feel like I’ve been catfished and don’t know if I can stay…

Dear Jana,

My partner has always had long, blonde hair, which I found incredibly attractive. Recently, though, she came home with a boyish pixie cut dyed brown, and her new look is really butch. She’s also been working out intensely, and her body has changed significantly. 

I’m struggling with these changes and finding myself less attracted to her, which is really bothering me. I want to discuss my feelings with her, but I don’t want to come off as insensitive or sexist. 

How can I approach this conversation in a way that respects her choices but also addresses how I’m feeling? I didn’t sign up to be married to someone who looks more like a man than a woman and I feel like I’ve been catfished by my own wife!

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Oh for the love of god man, do NOT bring up the fact you think she ‘looks more like a man,’ I repeat, do not!

All that will do is bring on carnage, tears, and divorce papers.

However… I’m not going to lie. I feel for you. In fact, I liken it to the time I was ‘fat’fished when my date turned up at least 20kg heavier than his online dating pics.

You go through the motions of feeling duped, outraged and quite frankly, miffed! However, that’s where the similarities end, I’m afraid, because you didn’t get catfished by your wife. When you met her, she looked one way and like all interesting humans, as she aged she pivoted into new interests and ways of expressing herself through her image. Now, bravo on wanting to bring this up with your wife without hurting her feelings, I will certainly give you props for that. So here’s what you want to do – when you talk to her, think of it as sharing a feeling, not a complaint.

I would approach it with curiosity rather than critique (we women are mighty sensitive when it comes to our looks!). I would say something along the lines of ‘Hey, so I noticed you’ve been changing things up a bit, and I’m having a hard time keeping up. Is there anything behind this new look?’ But once again, do NOT say she looks butch. See if you can understand her new vibe.

All long-term relationships will have a few plot-twists during their time, and you’ve just reached one. Who knows, maybe it’s just a phase and she’ll grow it back. All women like to experiment with their looks – I still cringe thinking about my horrific ‘fringe’ stage. It doesn’t mean it’s forever.

Cheers to embracing the unexpected and having a wife who is brave enough to give new looks a go.

Dear Jana,

My brother and his new wife are really affectionate with each other, and it’s giving the whole family the ick at family functions. They make out like teenagers, smack each others bums and use a lot of inuendo when talking to each other in front of everyone. 

I find it highly inappropriate, especially in front of my kids who shouldn’t be exposed to such sexual energy. How do I tell them to cool their jets in public?

Anonymous

‘All long-term relationships will have a few plot-twists during their time,’ Jana said

Dear Anonymous,

Eww! It’s giving Kourtney and Travis and I for one, am not a fan! There’s something so viscerally icky about hearing people make out with all that saliva and lip smacking. It gives no consideration for the people around them, and you are right – it’s highly inappropriate. Unlike the advice I gave the gent before you, I would just tell them outright.

I would say, ‘Guys, give it a break! You’re grossing out everyone around you!’ If they don’t stop, boot them out and retract all family invitations until they get their horny hormones in order. There’s nothing wrong with being all smoochy during your own couple-private time (truth be told, I love it!) but in public is just plain rude.

Tell them to leave their sexy romps at the door.

Dear Jana,

I hope you can help as I don’t know what to do. My husband starting taking Viagra. Just recently, I was away for a night and he had a ‘work function’ on. when I got home I noticed one missing. 

I think he may secretly be seeing someone from his workplace. I don’t know what to do or to say. I know he’s going to deny something happened but my gut instinct is telling me otherwise. We used to spoon every night, now, I get a quick kiss goodnight. There’s no intimacy. I’m devastated. Please help.

Anonymous 

Oh anonymous,

I’m sorry to say the evidence is not in your favour for this one. I completely understand why you’re feeling a little rattled and suspicious.

However, let’s consider some other factors that could be at play. Unlike women, whose sex drives tend to rise with age – hello saucy 40-year-olds – men’s tend to decline. So that could be why the intimacy in your relationship has taken a dive.

Also, perhaps he wanted to try out Viagra on his own to enjoy some ‘alone’ time if you get what I mean.

I can imagine that losing the umm… strength… of your ol’ fella can feel pretty darn deflating (pun intended) when you’re wanting to ‘ease some tension’, so perhaps he used it for a solo venture?

Final question – Did you get a pixie cut like the lady in the previous question? Apparently that’s a real boner-killer. Apologies, I shouldn’t joke.

But before we jump to conclusions, maybe have a chat about your sex drives, and dig a little deeper to see if he still sees himself as a stallion, or more like an old mare that’s been put out to paddock. You would be amazed at what a conversation can uncover.

All else fails, go through his phone. (I joke, I joke, kinda).