SAUCY SECRETS: I haven’t been ‘gifted’ with a large penis. I would say I’m on the small to average size. Do women care?

 Dear Jana,

I haven’t been ‘gifted’ with a large penis. I would say I’m on the small to average size. Do women care?

Oh Tim,

I’m going to say something which might come as a shock, so prepare yourself. Women don’t like big penises. In fact, we fear them. You see, they take breathing exercises, stamina, and a lot of TLC to prepare for. And don’t even get me started on the after care. Not fun.

We women really only care about one thing, ‘the motion in the ocean’. Yes, it’s what you do with it that counts, not the actual size.

To get the most out of your todger you want to come at it from the right angles. May I suggest doggie style? This handy move utilises the entire length of your shaft. Or perhaps sitting in a chair with her on top. Not only does this position feel jolly good for your lady friend, but it also requires less ‘in/out’ action and more wiggling around.

And if all else fails, may I suggest you get particularly good with your tongue. Sex isn’t made up of just one body part. It takes multiple skills to make a woman orgasm.

Why not factor in some solid time on foreplay. Dirty talk, fondling, caressing, teasing – she’ll be so worked up it doesn’t matter what size it is. Honestly.

Jana Hocking shares her best Saucy Secrets – and trademark sassy advice

I want to date a celebrity. It’s on my bucket list before I end my 20s. How do I get their attention?

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. I cannot stress this enough… It’s over-rated. There I said it.

As someone who has briefly swum in this paddling pool before, I would recommend rethinking this bucket list item. You’re going to be up against big egos, plenty of competitors and attention spans that are the equivalent of Dory from Finding Nemo. Short.

Why? Because they’ve got plenty of options.

But if you’re still not deterred, then it’s pretty simple. Get hot. Slide into their DM’s. And shoot your shot.

In the meantime, maybe question why you feel like you need a celebrity to make you feel special. Is something lacking in your own life? There’s plenty of ways to get that lovely serotonin rush. And thirsting after someone who you’ve propped up on a pedestal probably isn’t the best way to get it.

Don’t get me wrong, if Brad Pitt swooped in and said ‘get naked’ then let’s be honest, I’m getting naked. But we can’t be dedicating time to chasing them. That’s just icky.

I struggle to last long ‘in the bedroom’. Any tips for giving my lady friend an enjoyable sleepless night?

Dear John,

You’re giving my flashbacks to a previous lover in my 20s. He too struggled in this department, and can I just say, it’s actually kinda flattering to a gal’s ego.

It makes us think we must be absolute firecrackers in the bedroom – and please don’t tell us otherwise.

However, yes, I can imagine it’s quite frustrating. So let me start by giving you a tip of what NOT to do. My ex used to shout out ‘Grannies, Grannies, Grannies’ to stop himself from climaxing. And like, yay for it halting any form of ‘expulsion’ but I can’t tell you how off-putting it was for me. Sure, it helped him last the distance, but I lost any form of libido in the process.

Jana Hocking shares advice on what to do if you want get your sex life back on track

Jana Hocking shares advice on what to do if you want get your sex life back on track

Nobody should be thinking of grannies whilst making wild, passionate love. Well, unless that’s your thing. In which case, no judgement.

But if you need to think of something off-putting to keep your ol’ fella lasting the distance perhaps just say it in your head, not out loud.

So now for the solution. From personal experience in this department (it happens more than you would think John!) what you really want to do is keep the pace slow and steady. You don’t want to go at it like a bull at the gates. You want to ease into it. Be the tortoise John. Not the hare.

You also want to change positions a couple of times. If you’re stuck in one position and the mind is getting carried away, perhaps add in a plot twist and change positions. This brief pause will help centre you. Bring you back down to Earth.

And here’s a slightly controversial but highly successful tip… consider condoms as an option. I mean, you probably should be already if she’s not using any other form of contraception, but they also have a handy way of slightly desensitising your pecker. Which will help you last longer.

All is not lost John, you’ve just got to slow it right down.