SAUCY SECRETS: I just started dating again and there’s a grim thing I’ve noticed about Aussie women that’s driving me crazy – is this happening to everyone else?

Dear Jana,

I’ve just hit the dating scene again following a long, sexless marriage. Is it okay to just want to play the field for a while or do women expect relationships? I hear everyone talking about how common one-night stands are these days but I keep going on dates with women who want more. How do you let them know you are just looking for a bit of fun without hurting their feelings? Help!

Horny-and-hopeless

Dear Horny-and-hopeless,

First of all, kudos for considering women’s feelings as you navigate this saucy new chapter – we love a thoughtful king!

It sounds like you want to sow your oats for a while, and that’s perfectly normal after a long-term relationship. In fact, it’s why I actively avoid men within the first year of a divorce, because you lot really are horny devils. But there are plenty of ‘Samanthas’ out there looking for the same thing.

The key here is being upfront about your horny intentions and dating apps can be quite handy in this scenario. (Yes, I never thought I would be spruiking dating apps, but here we are). You can clearly state in your bio that you’re looking for something casual and not ready for a serious commitment. Apps like Tinder or Feeld, which are known for their sex-positive approach, are where you want to focus your attention.

If you prefer to meet people in person, be honest but tactful. You might say something like, ‘I’ve just got out of a long term relationship and not looking for a serious relationship’. This way, you’re clear about your intentions without making it sound like a brutal rejection.

Remember, not everyone will be interested in a casual arrangement, and that’s okay. It’s all about finding the right match for your current needs and being honest from the start. No love-bombing in an attempt to get your lady to nude up.

Best of luck and enjoy your adventures. Just don’t forget the condoms – you want a fun time, not an itchy time.

Dear Jana,

I suffer from chronic IBS and it’s getting in the way of dating. It hits whenever I get nerves – which is every first date – and all I can concentrate on is holding in farts whilst trying to get to know the guys I’m dating. I like to think I’m good looking, with a great personality but these nerves (and belly rumbles) are really stifling that. How do I calm my nervous system before a date? There’s only so much probiotics a girl can take. Any tips would be much appreciated. 

Stinky

Oh Stinky,

My heart goes out to you. Just last week, I was stuck on a plane with a man who ‘blessed’ his fellow passengers with a horrendous fluff-bomb every time we hit turbulence. It was torture on the nostrils!

The good news is I’ve got two cracking tips for you that have helped me out in the past:

1. Exposure Therapy 

Yes, you want to throw yourself into as many dates as possible. Just like public speaking, the more you do it, the easier it gets. So, say yes to the blokes you would normally say no to, and treat them like adorable test dummies. Take deep breaths, order a drink (one, not ten!), and watch as the nerves begin to subside. Once you realise dates aren’t as scary as you thought, you’ll be able to take control of those bowels and enjoy yourself.

2. Preparation 

The more prepared you are, the less likely you are to freak out. Plan your outfit the night before, pre-order your Uber, and write down some interesting questions to ask your date ahead of time. That way, you’re not turning up in a tizz and setting off some anxiety-induced toots. I also recommend walking to the date with some calming music in your headphones. It’s the perfect remedy for a state of zen.

Oh, and here’s a tip a friend shared with me before a date: tell yourself that the anxiety energy you feel is actually excitement. You’ll be amazed at how reframing this thought can completely change your outlook.

‘I’ve heard that when you want to have a conversation with a man, it’s better to do it in an environment where you don’t have to look directly at each other,’ Jana says 

Dear Jana,

My husband has started turning down sex. I’ve tried sexy lingerie, toys, sexts in the middle of the day to get him excited but nothing is working. Do you think he has lost his libido due to age? (I’ve heard men’s declines in their 40s) or do you think he is cheating on me? We both lead busy lives, but I long to feel desired again. Is there a way to salvage this or am I doomed?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Ah yes a very common issue. I’m going to give you one very shallow answer, and one that’s a little more insightful. And you see which one fits your man.

The first answer is very simple. He’s watching too much porn. On a recent episode of Steven Bartlett’s ‘Diary of a CEO’ podcast, he was talking to a famous Instagram personal trainer called James Smith about both their masturbation and porn habits. (it was fascinating!)

They were talking about the way porn can interfere with their sex lives with their partners in real life. They both admitted that if they watch it to soon before bedtime, it makes them lose interest in sleeping with their partner.

They also questioned whether the vast array of porn available 24/7 online now made them lose interest in having sex with their partners, knowing that it wouldn’t be as good as what they were watching online. Wild.

I mean, who needs a partner when you can get your rocks off simply by hitting ‘play’?

Both confessed to abstaining from watching porn for brief periods to allow their real-life sex lives a chance and it worked a treat. So there could be one solution.

The second theory is that it’s more likely that he’s dealing with stress or something on his mind, rather than cheating. Turns out stress is the number one killer of testosterone and libido.

So here’s a possible solution, rather than getting out the sexy knickers, how about going on a date night that’s fun? Plan something completely out of the ordinary. Maybe go rock climbing, or golf? I’ll never understand why blokes like golf, but they do. The key is to shake things up and create a fun, stress-free environment where both of you can reconnect and talk openly.

Plus, I’ve heard that when you want to have a conversation with a man, it’s better to do it in an environment where you don’t have to look directly at each other. They aren’t like us women who can chat about thoughts and feelings 24/7. They need to feel relaxed, and not under the spotlight. So perhaps bring it up with him on a car trip when he’s at ease. You’re not doomed, trust me.